Tag Archives: dysfertility

I Will Fight till I’m Dead

“I will fight till I’m Dead”, said Jason Patric who fathered a child through IVF. It’s the bond that people create. I never give up till deathLOVE MY SON and there is NOT a MOMENT I do not think about him or miss him.

If Mr. Patric is a “sperm donor” even though he has a biological link to the child but has NO rights, what about a person who has NO biological link with an IVF child, no sperm, no egg, no womb, can they have a parent-child relationship with an IVF child? Can they keep the IVF child away from a biological parent and siblings and family against his wishes?

Even though physically there is always a mother and father for a child, legally in this case the LAW says there is “NO LEGAL FATHER” and denied parental rights. If an absence of an IVF contract deems no parental rights for a father, is the same true for a mother? What if an IVF child exists with “NO LEGAL MOTHER”? What are the rights of the innocent, voiceless IVF child? In this case the father has a biological link to the IVF child. It is one thing to LIE under oath and cheat adults and the court and use FALSE MEDICAL RECORDS. But it is totally different to DENY rights to innocent, voiceless IVF children using to the same LIES. The innocent children may be voiceless but have RIGHTS and have TRUTH on their side – its just a matter of time. When health professionals make false medical claims, it has reverberating effects on innocents including not getting justice they deserve.

If you can find something that you’re really passionate about, whether you’re a man or a woman comes a lot less into play. Passion is a gender-neutralizing force.” – said Ms. Marissa Mayer. As an IVF father, I am completely passionate about IVF, however, my gender of MALE was used against me and my IVF children to SPLIT them. We are still waiting for a gender-neutralizing force in parenting rights at home.

The fundamental issue here is that like any other technology, there is always a few bad apples who misuse technology. Do we have an appropriate legal framework to both harness this wonderful IVF technology AND provide proper safeguards in the best interest of the IVF child and all others involved in an IVF procedure? Socially, people may want to believe that its the “LOVE” that counts and NOT the “biological link”. However, the LAWS do NOT see it that way. Prevailing laws (or rather lack thereof) place more responsibility and accountability on “biological parents” than non-biological parents when it comes to IVF children.

While there is lot of talk about “intended parents” in IVF terminology (where one intended parent may have NO biological link with IVF child), should we ALSO be discussing “intended residence” of the IVF child in case of international IVF? This is important in international IVF because again IMMIGRATION LAWS work based on “biological link” and not the social structure. This separates IVF children away from their biological families. Has anyone asked what does the IVF child want? Are IVF children human beings?

Are we starting a NEW ERA of baby scoop era now for IVF children by taking them away from their biological families? It’s IRONIC because single motherhood has its roots in the baby scoop era. The HOPE is that most women who have learnt the facts of this case have sided with Mr. Patric because it shows he was always willing to SHARE and is a GOOD PARENT and is not a deadbeat father. If a parent truly loves their child more than themselves, they will allow the child to have both parents.  Of course the SON, also a MALE, will be wondering where his father is while growing up and when he finds out that his father fought till his death to be a part of his life to SHARE, what will his feelings be for his father, also a MALE? What will his feelings be when HE becomes a father?

Equal rights for IVF children and families is a fight till I am dead or someone plans to have me killed.

The IVF Movement

Infertility or dysfertility is very traumatic. And as we move into the 21st century, it is time to HARNESS the IVF movement equal rightstechnology. IVF is a wonderful technology that assists infertile or dysfertile people to have children. And just like any other technology, it can be misused. In this case, IVF produces “human babies” and somehow we are of the opinion that “human babies” have MORE rights than other animals or material things. IVF children are NOT to be treated like “property” but rather as their own individual human beings with their own rights. The IVF ecosystem is bigger than the traditional two parents and rights of all need to be considered including IVF children and families, donors, surrogates.

There are other medical conditions with far FEWER incidence rates but have a lot more awareness and LAWS to help families cope with this. Medical conditions like cystic fibrosis, autism, certain forms of cancer, and so on have FAR FEWER incidence rates than infertility as per CDC data. Then why the DIFFERENCE in the legal treatment? Why are there NO CONSISTENT LAWS for protecting IVF children and families dealing with infertility? Maybe because it is dealt with secrecy, lies, and lack of awareness and TRUTH is TWISTED. How is UNTRUTH going to solve a problem? Dealing with facts and promulgating EQUAL laws will. If you agree, join us in an IVF Movement.

BANNING the technology may be a knee-jerk reaction but not a permanent one and it stifles innovation. Multiple factors are calling for urgent action for the IVF Movement and to pass laws. With increasing globalization, international IVF is more prevalent mainly due to affordability. As gay marriages are being legalized, there will be a greater demand to have children through IVF. If there are international laws for child abduction and child adoption, why are there NO international laws for IVF children and families? There are citizenship issues and IVF children are inadvertently placed in LEGAL LIMBO. How do you protect the rights of an innocent, voiceless IVF child whose own LEGAL STATUS is in LIMBO? Do IVF children have any rights or are the “property”?

In the IVF movement, there are several participants. Certain scientific facts CANNOT be unchanged. To have a baby, one needs sperm, egg and a womb. It is NOT OFFENSIVE, it is a FACT. Most citizenship laws are based on “BIOLOGICAL LINK” even though non-biological parental rights are promoted. The reality of international IVF and immigration is NOT IN SYNC with social realities of non-biological parental rights. First, we need a consistent set of terminology in the IVF movement independent of GENDER or SEXUAL ORIENTATION. We need to recognize that the IVF child is a HUMAN BEING with their own individual human rights and not “property” to be traded.

Infertility – Any individual with fertility issues.

Dysfertility – Any individual or couple who are fertile but need help of someone else to have a child. For example, a gay or lesbian or intersex couple, or a single parent.

Intended parent – Any parent – male or female wanting to be responsible and accountable for an IVF child starting with birth, raising, and their growth and development.

Donor – Any compassionate human willing to donate their egg or sperm.

Surrogate – Any compassionate woman willing to offer their womb for gestation, sometimes could be the mother herself depending on the fertility issues.

IVFphile – An intended parent who abandons an IVF pregnancy midway with no responsibility or accountability for the IVF child and the left-behind IVF parent. Sometimes leading to a case of LEGAL LIMBO or STATELESSNESS for the IVF child and IVF parent causing severe harm and damage. Much like a pedophile where the innocent, voiceless victims have no say. Who pays the surrogate if an IVFphile abandons an IVF pregnancy?

IVFphobe – People who are opposed to IVF for moral, religious or personal reasons and thats to be respected. Some choose to remain silent about their opposition, while some are vocal and while some are offensive and abusive. Any opposition should pre-date the birth of the IVF child, once the IVF child is born, why abuse and punish innocent IVF children and give them LESS rights (even if inadvertent) than any other human child?

IVF parent – Socially, same as the intended parent. But legally, a “biological link” is required with the child for immigration purposes which creates a legal entity called “IVF parent” as the parent with the “biological link” to the child for legal purposes.

Intended Residence – Because of international IVF, immigration laws of resident countries need to be followed. Just like it is important to identify intended parents of an IVF child, it is equally important to identify the intended residence of the IVF child and ensuring the IVF child can PASS the prevailing immigration laws to get to the intended residence. Much like the substantial presence test used for immigration and tax purposes.

Any parent who has been through IVF can tell you that IVF is a journey. Not to take anything away from a parent who gave birth naturally but if infertility or dysfertility is a medical condition, it has to be treated as such. Education, spreading awareness is going to get us to a stage of EQUAL laws. It maybe a while and takes time BUT is the right path. As one can see the IVF ecosystem is huge and it takes more than the “two traditional parents” to make a child. Do the LAWS reflect this reality? Is everyone’s best interest in an IVF procedure accounted for? Just like IVF is a journey and a roller-coaster ride of emotions, finances, unequal laws, etc., the IVF Movement is to eradicate or soften the blow of these issues.

What is Worse – DENIAL of rights or VIOLATION of rights?

Rights are always an evolving subject and sadly have to be demanded. Rights of one person maybe oppressive for others. And as time progresses,Human Rights we move forward and have social justice for people. It is difficult to talk about EQUAL rights. Because what may be unequal TODAY, may become equal TOMORROW. So EQUAL RIGHTS are a transient subject. Whether it is women suffrage, civil rights, gay rights or what have you. Now we are at brink of IVF rights. First, does infertility ONLY affect women? Does infertility affect women MORE? IVF is a journey and not just a point in time. IVF affects the parents deeply regardless of the gender – male, female or third gender if you live in progressive countries where third gender is legally recognized. It is safe to assume anyone whose rights have been violated, they want justice, again regardless of gender. What about people whose rights are DENIED?

A person whose rights are violated MEANS they have some rights. Now they can approach a justice system, present the FACTS, and have rights to a DUE PROCESS. Regardless of the result, at least RIGHTS exist for a human being which have been violated and they can seek justice. What happens when your rights are DENIED? What happens when your LEGAL STATUS is in LEGAL LIMBO? What are the rights of the person? Who do they go to for DUE PROCESS? Where do they present the FACTS? Regardless of the outcome, we need to have RIGHTS for every human being.

As a proud IVF parent of two lovely IVF children – a son and a daughter – on two separate CONTINENTS who are in LEGAL LIMBO, who do we turn to for justice? Who do we turn to for relief as victims? It is very easy for the so-called “experts” to make a cursory remark to say, “One has to move on”. EXACTLY. One needs a LEGAL IDENTITY to move on. Getting out of being STATELESS and having a LEGAL IDENTITY is moving on. Having the freedom not to be land-locked is MOVING ON. These are existential issues of an IVF family who are immigrants and are forced into silence and made INVISIBLE. How do we move on?

If a woman is raped, decades ago and sadly still occurs, the victim is forced into silence under threats. It takes great courage to stand up for yourself and DEMAND rights and justice and to show other rape victims and survivors that one must MOVE ON. Rape is RAPE – heinous and criminal – both for the ones who report it and the ones who suffer in silence. But there is a law for rape, there is a place for justice. The wheels of justice may find the accused guilty or innocent but there is some avenue to seek justice.

If a girl IVF child is abandoned and placed in a LEGAL LIMBO and thus denying their basic human dignity and respect, where and who we go to for RELIEF as VICTIMS? We are not even asking for justice, we are only asking for an opportunity to a LEGAL IDENTITY so we can MOVE ON. What do you answer to a young child who wonders why they cannot get a passport to travel? Why should their education, exposure, freedom be curtailed for actions or inactions of other criminals? Should we stay silent and NOT report the CRIME? Should we suffer in SILENCE? TRUTH, education, awareness are far greater tools. Infertility is traumatic, an IVF child is a technological answer to infertility BUT to have no respect and dignity for a HUMAN LIFE – an innocent, voiceless IVF child is heinous and criminal. If female foeticide is a crime, if female infanticide is a crime, if abandoning a natural birth child is a crime, why is abandoning an IVF girl child NOT a crime? Is the VALUE of an IVF girl child LESS than a natural born child? We have heard statements like, “IVF is not natural and thats what you get for trying IVF”…really? Take a look at our innocent IVF daughter and then have the GUTS to say that. She is a FULL BLOODED HUMAN BEING and as a parent we will defend her rights and DEMAND for her RIGHTS if they DO NOT EXIST. She and other IVF children like her deserve basic human dignity and respect. We CANNOT punish innocent, voiceless children for criminal intent of adults. Why are IVFphiles walking around freely while the victims are being punished in silence without any justice?

LGBT – Yeah in 2013, Next Frontier – Intersex

Its a great year in 2013 if you are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT). When will it be turn for Intersex –IVF-Spouse Rights Updated the “I” in LGBTI? When will it be turn for “I” as in IVF children and families? When will it be turn for spouse of Intersex? When will it be turn for not “I” but “F” for family caregivers? Is it all about the “individual” and NOT the family then why all the big ruckus over “EQUAL” rights for marriage?

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court

Only people with a sense of sincerity who will take time to understand the facts of the case will see the number of social injustices involved in just this one case. The worst is the innocent siblings are being punished for crimes they did not commit. Ironically, history is repeating itself. The strategy of secrecy and lies used with intersex children is now being repeated with IVF children. The lesson learnt is do NOT try to give human rights inside the four walls of your home. If Gandhiji would have gone on Satyagraha inside the four walls of his own home, would India have got its independence? Probably yes but not through Gandhian means.

Lying, cheating, and using fraud to break the laws is selfish. Instead saying the truth and fighting for your own rights and others like you is a better option. Change may not be INSTANT unlike when one lies, they get what they want even if it breaks the laws. But one can have the satisfaction of standing up for truth. They are more of a role model for their children because they stood up for truth. Just ask the gay and lesbian parents or Edie Windsor or Tony Briffa.

How does an intersex couple build a family in 2000s when you are immigrants in the US?

Understand facts so we can CHANGE the future:

1) One has to live in secrecy and lies which creates a multitude of other issues including fraud in a love marriage. Secrecy and lies are the biggest culprits and we need to provide an environment including equal laws so that intersex people can be truthful to their non-intersex spouses to have a meaningful relationship.

2) Intersex is the cause for infertility. Adoption is great but NOT an option for immigrants because of the laws.

3) IVF is around but as first-generation immigrants, it is NOT affordable. Insurance does NOT cover it. In 2013, there is political favor, there are bills in progress, there are insurance companies who will cover all or part of IVF treatments. This was unavailable in early 2000s.

4) In 2002, countries like India offer commercial surrogacy in an unregulated industry. If intersex is traumatic, wait till you meet infertility. More secrecy, more lies, more breaking the laws, more violations of human rights of others. If you violate someone’s human rights in a “closed loop system” where everyone lies, did you violate anyone’s human rights? We can all pontificate on morals, ethics, laws but the reality is in our hearts we all know the “right thing to do” and will justify the behavior as we see fit. The “behavior” is about the “INFERTILITY” of an ADULT. What about other adults in the IVF process? What about the IVF children and their RIGHTS?

5) Without MONEY, there is NO IVF – bitter but true. Without LOVE and COMPASSION of donors, surrogates (depending on each individual case), there is NO IVF. The latter can be overcome if you have MORE MONEY. Sad but true, are we in the business of treating HUMANS as property? As a proud IVF parent, the lack of laws and controls is more REPULSIVE because of the few bad apples.

As long as a marriage has been performed in the jurisdiction that recognizes it, then that marriage is valid under U.S. immigration laws” – announced US Secretary of State John Kerry in August 2013.

6) In 2013, what is the official legal stance of intersex in the US? Other countries like India, Nepal, several other Asian countries, Australia, New Zealand legally recognize the “third gender”. Does the US believe it is appropriate to recognize MORE than two genders? Or must everyone FIT into binary gender causing an environment of secrecy, lies, stigma and breaking of the laws?

7) Is intersex marriage LEGAL in the US and India in 2013? The question is NOT whether an intersex marriage in 1999 in India is valid or not and the resulting US Immigration? The question is do OTHER intersex people have the EQUAL rights to marry and have children? “Shoving under the carpet” attitude is why this case exists, the LIES have caught up. It may not be very “appropriate” or “valuable” to others but for us, it is about OUR TWO INNOCENT CHILDREN and that’s OUR WORLD. It is VERY APPROPRIATE and VALUABLE. And we are just tired of living in secrecy and lies. Are we humans too with human rights? If we do NOT get equal rights for intersex families AND equal rights for IVF children and families, we RISK more victims. And these are DUAL or TRIPLE victims – first a VICTIM of intersex OR INFERTILITY or BOTH.

8) US is a world leader and we expect nothing less than leadership and support to get to the next frontier. Intersex rights and rights for IVF children and families. After all, if these rights existed then two innocent, voiceless siblings would NOT be growing up separately for crimes they did not commit.

Any LOVE based on a foundation of LIES is NOT LOVE. As a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex, this is a lesson very well learnt. The hope is this is NOT REPEATED upon innocent, voiceless IVF siblings.

Discrimination exists in all forms, it was Rosa Parks who refused to move to back of the bus to gay couples asked to move to back of the bus in 2013 to lesbians getting thrown out of a cab on a highway. There are immigrant IVF fathers who are SEPARATED from their IVF children. When will IVF children and families get equal rights? There are spouse caregivers of intersex who are DENIED truth. When will family caregivers get equal rights? The hope is to rise above all kinds of discrimination and put children AHEAD.

Steel Magnolias – Before The Dawn

2013 has been a great year of changes. Especially if you are someone living a life of secrecy and lies as an lonely treeimmigrant, IVF parent, and as an intersex family – a lonely survival. And we are NOT even done with the year yet, so looking forward to this year. Let us have an open discussion about intersex families, the legal issues, the social issues, the financial issues, the international issues, the immigration issues that they face in 2013 and before that. Its the Steel Magnolias for infertile families where we can have an open discussion to get to a solution. Some issues are coming out in the open and so there is no need to LIE any longer and some are unresolved and so LYING continues with a secretive past – before the dawn. Dealing with infertility and lack of laws in 2013 is the night before the dawn for infertile families. After going through the trauma of infertility, multiple failed attempts, financial losses, social losses, job losses, and so many emotive and humanity issues, the least we expect from the government is EQUAL laws. Whether that requires classifying infertility as a “disease” or classifying it as a “disability” or classifying it as a “special need”, thats not the point. The point is a minority can only get EQUAL laws with support of the majority in a democracy. The current status of lack of laws is a long night of darkness and trauma for some infertile people.

1) In February 2013, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture (SRT) called for a STOP to unnecessary surgeries on intersex people. So if someone is lying about such an intersex surgery, will we have to wait another few decades for the truth? And is it torture on the person who knows the truth but is being defamed as the liar? And the UN decision shows there was torture and are dealing with the issues of the intersex people, when will we start understanding and addressing the issues of the caregiver of the intersex? If second-hand smoke is banned in public places after all these decades, what about the “second-hand effects” of this unnecessary surgery?

2) In June 2013, the US Supreme Court struck down DOMA paving the way for thousands of federal benefits to LGBTI (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex) spouses and families including immigration rights. Does this mean if immigration rights were granted before 2013 based on a LGBTI marriage are valid or were laws broken? More importantly, does this mean that other LGBTI immigrants have the SAME access or should they also be taught to lie, cheat, and fraud? Campaign to change the laws or break the laws – what is the message we want to send?

3) There are still NO laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families. We still have a lot of work to do ahead. In the interim, what about the rights of the innocent, voiceless victims – the IVF children?

4) If there was no second IVF child on the way – a SIBLING, the entire case would NOT have happened. But there is a SECOND IVF child – what about their rights? Again, what is the message we want to send to other IVF families – change the laws or break the laws?

5) The International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission (IGLHRC) launched the Yogyakarta Principles including Intersex in 2010. If this was done a decade ago, would a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex who PRACTICED the Yogyakarta Principles before their existence get any help and support for his human rights?

6) The lesson learnt from people like Edie Windsor, Tony Briffa and several other LGBTI people is say the TRUTH. They may be inadvertent activists but it first starts out as a PERSONAL case. With TRUTH, they help themselves and others and future generations. It is about freedom from slavery to secrecy and lies.

If you think dealing with issues like

being a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex for an unnecessary surgery AND

being an IVF parent AND

being an immigrant AND

forced to SPLIT the IVF siblings AND

being a minority within a minority AND

living in secrecy and lies AND,

AND, AND is too complicated, try living it!

Even though left for DEAD, we are still alive and here to say the TRUTH…the only thing that prevails. Being intersex is very traumatic and we have witnessed and experienced it, what about other members of an intersex family? The issue here is NOT intersex, the issue is relentless, incessant lying including breaking laws. The secrecy, abuse, torture, inhumanity, breaking of the laws. It is one thing to do these to an adult, it is totally separate to do this to innocent children.

We cannot wait to see what rest of 2013 and the future ahead brings? Because if all these laws existed BEFORE, innocent brother and sister would NOT be growing up separately.

The irony is that the medical community provided non-circumspect care for decades labeling it as the best gandhi-father day-truthinterest of the intersex child as the UNSRT has called for a STOP to the torturous unnecessary surgery. NOW, does anyone care about the best interest of the IVF child and others in an IVF process or is about the “PAYING ADULT”? By REPEATING the lies, the RESULTS will not change – try TRUTH. Maybe in a few decades, we will have a REPORT from some “QUALIFIED” agency which will CLAIM the heinous and torturous condition of IVF children and others in an IVF process should be REGULATED so there is an opportunity for JUSTICE and RELIEF for VICTIMS. Alas, the innocent childhoods will have been lost by then and all we will have are apologies.

Unregulated IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a wonderful technology and like any other technology that humankind has invented, if it is misused or placed in love-compassion the wrong hands, it can create havoc. The product of a successful IVF is a wonderful IVF child – a HUMAN LIFE born. What are the RIGHTS of the innocent IVF child – a symbol of love and compassion?

Few Bad Apples

Out of a world of 7 billion, not all of us are murderers but we still have LAWS for the few bad apples. There are lobbies which are pro-IVF and others who want to ban IVF outright to some who are in the middle. Some comparing it to Frankenstein experiment to others confusing between IUI and IVF to others creating an industry out of solely run for the “paying adults”. What is indisputable is IVF should be regulated like any other technology because of a few bad apples. We cannot sit IDLE and RISK innocent lives. If IVF can be utilized for personal whims of a few bad apples, then should we allow HUMAN CLONING for the personal whims of a affluent human wanting an extra kidney or heart or liver or a child? IVF is also a technology used by infertile or dysfertile people. Most people either adopt or remain childless. That was the norm for centuries. In the last 35 years, this wonderful IVF technology came along and changed people’s perceptions, expectations, and hope. Infertility is traumatic and some people do desperate and terrible things like kidnapping or hurting or murder just to have a child. Their needs are satisfied but what about the needs of the CHILD?

Adoption has laws. Child Abduction has laws. There are NO laws for IVF/surrogacy children. Even if its inadvertent, this interim period provides a greenfield for some people who want an IVF child at any and all costs even if it violates the rights of other human beings like the surrogates or donors or the IVF child and discriminates. While rare, it is important to have a regulated industry just for those few bad apples. As a citizen, we can bring this to the attention of the government and they are listening and will take action. What happens to the IVF children in the meantime and do they have rights as human beings? Or since they are children and voiceless, is it OK to shun them or deprive them of their basic human dignity and rights?

Love and Compassion Or Losers?

In an unregulated industry, everyone loses in the long-term. In IVF, the biggest loser is the IVF child – a HUMAN LIFE. Sometimes LIES are harmless and sometimes LIES include breaking the laws. It is one thing to be infertile and it is another to LIE about it. It is one thing to be intersex and it is another to LIE about it. It is one thing to consent to IVF and it is another to ABANDON the IVF child with no help or support for the IVF child or the surrogate who carried the child to term. If an adult utilizes IVF for their personal amusement and changes their decision midway, what are the RIGHTS of the other loving and compassionate people in the process? What if there are medical complications at birth, who will pay for the surrogate and the IVF child? Who will pay for welfare and support of the IVF child? Can a mother of a natural born child have an ABORTION at 26 weeks term with NO threat to her life? Are the SAME things allowed in a natural pregnancy where a woman with NO threat to her life at 26 weeks term can ABORT the child? Why is the IVF child LESS of a child even if inadvertent? Who pays the surrogate on successful birth of an IVF child? Why is the surrogate mother LESS of a woman? What are the rights of the left-behind parent? Where is the basic human dignity and respect for a human life?

Regulations and Laws

Laws provide consistency, standards and relief for victims. We may not agree with the laws (like the ongoing equal marriage rights) and in that case it is better to campaign and get laws changed but NOT break the laws. There are international laws for child abduction and international laws for child adoption, where are the international laws for IVF/surrogacy children? In the interim are any rights being violated? Are the standards used for international adoption ALSO used for international IVF/surrogacy? What about IVF children who become STATELESS due to being ABANDONED by the “paying parent”? Do STATELESS children have rights? How do they go about moving on in life and starting to lead a decent life? For them, it is more about relief as victims rather than justice. Where is the relief for victims?

It does NOT matter how the relief comes. In the US, there is the American with Disabilities Act (ADA), do IVF children and families qualify for ADA? There are children with special needs, are we CREATING IVF children with special needs where the “special need” is lack of laws?

Two 9 year old boys, Dramatic Different Realities

Inspired by a news story about growing up as a black or white kid in the USA. How social perceptions train notFather-Son-Daughter only innocent children but ALSO adults and effectively the LEGAL FRAMEWORK. Social perceptions translate into LAWS like equal marriage rights and before then it was interracial marriage and civil rights before then and so on. Is it time for equal rights for IVF children and families? To put it into perspective, July 25th, 1978, 35 years ago was the birth of the FIRST IVF child. Are the laws for international IVF/surrogacy children EQUAL yet?

Story 1

This is about a US citizen child taken away from his biological father who was reunited at age 9 WHILE another child, an Indian citizen, taken away from his biological father and is now 9 years old but still SEPARATED from his only known biological family including parent, siblings, and grandparents.

Sean Goldman was an innocent American child who was taken away from his father in 2004 to Brazil. After over 5 years in 2009 with intervention from the people in the highest offices like then US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and US President Obama, Sean Goldman in Brazil was UNITED with his US father David Goldman in the US. At the time Sean Goldman was being raised by his maternal biological grandparents. There were NO reports of abuse or lack of food, shelter, clothes, education and such things that LEGAL COURTS look for in deciding child custody cases. As then US Secretary of State Clinton said, “A child belongs with his [biological] family.” It was a Republican Congressman who highlighted this issue to a Democratic Executive regarding this case, and a great bipartisan effort came together for the sake of the innocent child.

David Goldman, the biological father, had NOT seen his son or participated in his life during this abducted period. It is NOT like the father did not want to or did not try to be part of his son’s life BUT was always refused access to become an active participant in his son’s life. Despite a field day that “experts” or sociologists or whoever would maintain “status quo” and the EFFECTS on an innocent child in SEPARATING him from his primary care providers (the maternal biological grandparents) and the DISRUPTION it MAY cause, etc etc. After a couple years the father and son were UNITED, a news story reported that both got along great and were having a blast doing what father-sons do. Seems US Secretary of State Clinton was right after all. It was the RIGHT thing to do and let TRUTH prevail.

Story 2

Compare this to a stark difference in dealing with IVF and Immigration of a minority. 

Vedant Modi is an IVF (in vitro fertilization) child who is an Indian citizen and his only known biological family is in India. Maulik Modi, his father, was his primary care provider while they were together. Maulik is an immigrant to the US and is an IVF father. More importantly, because children “inherit” rights from their parents, IVF children like that of fathers like Maulik also do not have EQUAL rights. Vedant wanted a sibling and Maulik tried over 3 years and several failed IVF attempts and finally was successful and blessed with a second IVF child in 2009 again in India. Due to the FACT that immigration for gay families was NOT yet allowed in 2009, Maulik could NOT get his second IVF child to the US. The US government had NO intent to SPLIT the two innocent siblings or FORCE Maulik to choose over one child over the other because in 2013, the US government started allowing immigration for gay families. What about someone taking advantage of the LAWS for personal benefit? Is this a case of fait accompli?

Maulik has requested several times to allow Vedant to visit his sibling and family in India BECAUSE his sibling cannot travel outside India due to the direct consequence of the circumstances created in 2009 when she was born. These requests have been DENIED. Vedant cannot travel outside the US. How will the two siblings meet? Vedant has an entire family for him in India, a biological family, siblings, and his primary care provider until he was FORCIBLY separated from them. As per Universal Declaration of Human Rights, every citizen has a right to return to their own country. What are Vedant’s rights as an Indian citizen? What does child abduction feel like? Alienation from biological family?

Just like there is a stark difference in the story of Preston and Latarian, there is a stark difference in the story of Sean and Vedant.  It is a FACT that while there are international laws on child abduction, there are international laws on child adoption, there are NO international laws on IVF/surrogacy children. Why? Vedant and his IVF sister are both VICTIMS of this indecency and inhumane conditions of infancy in IVF/surrogacy laws. There is NO doubt that in the future there will be international IVF/Surrogacy laws so we can have a consistent and standard way of dealing with such issues. In the interim, why DESTROY and ROB from innocent IVF siblings their childhood? Vedant and his sibling are SEPARATED because they are born through IVF, if they were born naturally, they would be growing up together. Or if a mother had used her egg and with help of a sperm donor and surrogate had IVF children, would the two IVF siblings be SEPARATED?

Latarian is a minority. Vedant being an immigrant AND an IVF child is a minority. Maulik is NOT a donor, he is a father and wants to be treated as a FATHER and NOT a DONOR including EQUAL rights for fathers and their children with NO LEGAL MOTHER. Similar issues exist for gay parents and single male parents. Are we LESS of a parent? Implicitly are OUR children LESS of a child? The lack of laws even if inadvertent is causing this REALITY for us. MOVE FORWARD and UNITE the IVF siblings and SAVE their childhood.

Are the perceptions AGAINST fatherhood the cause for SPLITTING the innocent IVF siblings? Are the perceptions AGAINST IVF and Immigration the cause for SPLITTING the innocent IVF siblings? Social perceptions TRANSLATE into laws, where are the equal LAWS for IVF children and families? Let there be NO doubt that other IVF families are NOT impacted by the lack of laws for IVF children and families. IVF is dealt with secrecy and so lot of people may NOT speak up AGAINST the inequality or injustice.

Robbing From a Child

What possible point can an adult be wanting to prove by robbing from a child? What possible virtue could an rob children of tomorrowadult want to instill in a child by showing them how to rob from an innocent child? What possible lesson an adult may want to show an innocent child by robbing them of a sibling, a parent, a biological family?

“This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – Judge P. Kevin Castel in the case of Carlina White

Carlina White was kidnapped when she was merely a few days old and SEPARATED from her biological family. Decades later, she figured out on her own the truth and facts. She outed the very caretaker who had raised her for ALL these years despite the brainwashing and alienation against her BIOLOGICAL FAMILY. Today as per news reports, she is removed both from her biological family AND the woman who raised her. Is this the future of separated IVF children or do we have time to SAVE them?

During the baby scoop era, BIOLOGICAL children were SEPARATED from their mothers because their only fault was being born to “single mothers”. Whether the adoptive parents knew the truth or not, today the same children and the “single mothers” are getting apologies from the government for its actions. However, they are UNABLE to restore the LOST childhoods and siblings and the love of a biological parent. Why rob from a child?

Sean Goldman in Brazil was reunited with his biological father in the US in 2009 after 5 years because as US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said at the time, “A child belongs with his [biological] family”. Was Sean being abused, or not being given food, clothes, toys, education, nurture for his growth and development by his biological grandparents raising him? Its the “right thing” to do, why rob from a child?

In an immigrant, international IVF case, the RESULT is the same. An innocent IVF child SEPARATED from his only known BIOLOGICAL FAMILY and his PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER. Except he is too young to have a voice that can be heard, so its OK to ROB him of his rights. In 2009, immigrant gay rights DID NOT EXIST in the US. However, the intention of the US government was NEVER to separate families as they started allowing gay families to immigrate to the US in 2013. A spouse of intersex is NOT gay but from a legal perspective, the same laws (or lack thereof) are applicable. Only someone with intimate knowledge of the immigration laws for IVF children of US immigrant father (or rather lack thereof) could have used the loophole in the law in 2009 for their personal benefit. The RESULT is STATELESS IVF children. People who are STATELESS do not have EQUAL rights. For example, the right to get a passport and travel freely in the world to meet a SIBLING. Why rob from a child? The not being able to play catch with him or read him the night time stories or helping him with his school projects and the intermittent hugs and kisses is what I miss the most – active participation in your child’s life.

Beyond Traditional Abuse

It will take a few years or even decades for the case facts to sink in and to connect the dots. But even over time, the FACTS will remain the same and intact. This is NOT about intersex family rights or IVF rights OR gay rights or caregiver rights or immigration rights. This is about someone knowingly and deliberately breaking the laws and preying on innocent, unsuspecting victims. People with CAIS will continue to be born as its naturally occurring, they will continue to be born with male testes even though someone with CAIS may have a medical record from a doctor stating they had “ovaries”. Just like that is a LIE and in fact, lying on medical records is a crime, it only goes to show how widespread the CONSPIRACY is. When highly educated and learned people begin to commit crimes, is there any hope, are there other inadvertent VICTIMS? Is teaching children to lie and live in secret the FUTURE strategy of dealing with CAIS and intersex? Why rob from a child?

Effects of a FALSE medical record

The issue is NOT whether a genetic male should be allowed to breastfeed, the question is after how many cries of a hungry infant is it ABUSE due to LACK of milk when a genetic male attempts to breastfeed? Just like the medical record stating “ovaries” in a CAIS patient is FALSE, breastfeeding by a genetic male due to lack of milk is FALSE. It may be wishful thinking but still FALSE and underscores the ABUSE upon the infant and the partner FORCED into SILENCE. It underscores the OTHER VICTIMS of the secrecy and lies. Why rob from a child? To put into perspective, how many mothers asked the father of their infant to breastfeed? Is it a natural instinct?

Similarly, if a patient is under severe trauma and is under ongoing medical treatment, how can they be a PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for an infant at the same time? It’s wishful thinking BUT still FALSE. Why rob from a child?

Just like CAIS people do not have ovaries even though a medical record may state otherwise, an IVF child does not become a natural born child even though a document may state so. Lies remain lies and TRUTH remains TRUTH. How many LIES to hide one LIE? Truth is easier. Rather than teaching children to LIE and live in secrecy and abusing and victimizing others, it is BETTER to teach them the truth and celebrate who they are, how they are. As a parent, thats what I want for my IVF children, celebrate the TRUTH and celebrate the HUMANITY of all responsible for bringing them into this world and raising them.

If you are a great parent, why would you ABANDON an IVF child after placing an order WITH NO respect for the IVF child’s rights or basic human dignity. IVF creates unique situations. An order can be placed for an IVF child as long as you have MONEY. No egg, no womb, no sperm REQUIRED, just MONEY. Then if you change your mind during the IVF pregnancy, WHAT are the RIGHTS of the IVF child, the RIGHTS of the SURROGATE, the rights of left-behind parent? Do they have RIGHTS TO move forward in LIFE as they begin to assemble a life from the broken pieces and STATELESSNESS and LEGAL LIMBO? Did STATELESS refugees from Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Sudan, Rwanda, South America, Europe, etc. have RIGHTS to MOVE forward if they survived? Why rob from a child?

Just like the medical community and parents of intersex have taught their intersex children to LIE and live in secrecy, it is a FAILED approach. Teaching IVF children they are NOT IVF and somehow making “IVF” a taboo subject is WRONG. Being who they are and being PROUD of who they are is the right approach. Especially in cases of IVF children like Vedant and Medhavi, so many people CAME TOGETHER to bring them into this world and raise them, it is a PROUD moment to celebrate the contributions of others and NOT HIDE it. It would be DISRESPECTING the humanity around us. Why ROB from a child? What is the “greatness” in trying to inculcate children by teaching them to rob from a child?

IVF Holocaust – A Thorough Destruction

In a Hollywood movie, Sophie’s Choice, Meryl Streep won an Oscar. The enactment and the storyIVF Holocaust were so heart wrenching and made an impact on the HUMAN life that it deserved Oscar worthiness. Spoiler Alert : In the movie, the CHOICE that the character Sophie had to make was which one of her children will she SEND to the gas chamber as ordered by the Nazis OR which one of her children will she SAVE from the Nazis? How does a PARENT begin to even CONTEMPLATE? Among the millions of others killed and who suffered heinous crimes, their ONLY FAULT was they were “Jewish”. Sadly, there are still people in this world who DENY the holocaust as ever happening thus denying the basic human respect to ALL the victims and survivors. Due to prevailing laws (or rather lack thereof), an immigrant US father in an international IVF is left with some PAINFUL choices of picking one IVF child over the other. There are other IVF families left with SIMILAR choices of either living in EXILE or ABANDON the IVF child or BREAK THE LAWS. Is there an IVF HOLOCAUST (a thorough destruction as per definition in dictionary) going on currently? Is the ONLY FAULT of IVF children they are born as “IVF”? Do IVF children have their own individual rights as a HUMAN? What is the FUTURE of rights for IVF children and families? It takes great strength and courage to affect a change to traditionally set beliefs. We are asking for the “PROCESS for change” to start if NOT CREATE any more victims of prevailing laws for IVF families.

ONE man, TWO IVF children, SIX women, who is the MOTHER? or should it be about the BEST INTEREST of the CHILDREN?

Due to the conspiracy to use loophole in the laws for personal gains, an IVF child is rendered STATELESS. There are MILLIONS of children who are rendered STATELESS every year be it the NAZI war time or the wars in South America or Rwanda or Liberia or Sudan or Libya or Iraq or Afghanistan or Syria. There are people who stand criminal trials even TODAY for crimes against humanity. Is abandoning an IVF child and making her stateless and denying her basic human rights a crime against humanity and endangering the welfare of the child? Are IVF children needs/rights SAME as traditional children’s needs/rights? Today an IVF father CANNOT actively participate in his son’s life even though he has legal custody, a son cannot enjoy the love of a sibling he dreamt of, or the love and hugs of fast-aging grandparents who raised him, and is completely ISOLATED from his biological family. What is the definition of child abduction?

There are courts who will use the TRADITIONAL meaning of a “child born of a marriage”. For example, a husband while being married to woman A has a child with a woman B who he is NOT married to. In that case, the child from woman B is NOT a “child of the marriage” with woman A. In a TRADITIONAL sense, the husband “cheated” on his wife. In a TRADITIONAL sense, the husband or the father probably did NOT plan on having a child with the other woman B? In a TRADITIONAL sense, the husband or the father did NOT get his child from woman A excited about having a child from woman B because he was not planning it. Because of the lack of laws, innocent IVF children are placed in a LEGAL LIMBO. Do IVF children have LEGAL RIGHTS? Is it an IVF Holocaust when innocent IVF children are deliberately placed into LEGAL LIMBO for personal benefit of adult? How does an IVF child travel internationally to meet their sibling and family without proper travel documents?

An IVF father in an infertile marriage may use an egg donor and a surrogate to have an IVF child. Is the “IVF child of the marriage”? Is the IVF father “cheating” on his partner by having an IVF child through an egg donor and surrogate because the partner is infertile? Is the IVF father helping or cheating the infertile partner? If the IVF father shared dreams and promises to his IVF son that he will have a sibling soon, made plans and went baby shopping, made plans on caring for an infant sibling, does the innocent IVF child have ANY rights to fulfill those DREAMS of a sibling? If the IVF father tried MULTIPLE times despite the failures of IVF cycles and over a period of three years, does the IVF father and the IVF son have ANY right to enjoy the IVF sibling together?

The VICTIMS in Rwanda or in Nazi Europe or so many other human-made tragedies have got justice after years or even decades. When do VICTIMS of a dysfunctional intersex marriage and its effects get relief? Even in International adoption, there is a concept of the Subsidiarity Principle where siblings are allowed to grow up together, where is a similar notion in international IVF/Surrogacy children? Is this an IVF holocaust?

This is NOT about intersex rights or non-biological parent rights or so many other LAWS which have been violated. This is about the best interest of the children. This is about TRUTH Vs. LIES. This is about RELIEF for VICTIMS who showed HUMAN RIGHTS to someone where the LAWS itself fell short. This is about STOP living in secrecy and lies and start living with truth. Secrecy and lies are a failed approach especially when the punishment is meted out to innocent, voiceless children for crimes they did not commit.

Good Things Happen to Good People

Is it true? I was left for dead but miraculously survived due to the love and support of my family. So I for oneDomestic-Violence-Abuse-Against-Men believe in this statement. Question is are my IVF children “good people”? Will “good things” happen to them? Will my innocent, voiceless IVF children be silenced?

The Taliban failed to silence us” – Malala Yousafzai

As per a recent study in the US, there are 65.7 Million family caregivers in the US. Out of which about 33% are male, about 13% are spouse caregivers and less than 4% of the caregivers are below the age of 35. As a young, male, spouse caregiver, I thought I was doing something “good”. In another study, women are 6 times more likely to be divorced or be left alone by their spouses or partners when diagnosed with a traumatic condition. As a spouse caregiver by staying in a marriage, I thought I was doing something “good”.  I was working on “feelings”, something I have been since taught that for men to have “feelings” is like fake jewelry. We are only supposed to show “feelings”, no one actually cares if we have “real feelings”. We will delve on “feelings” and “gender” a little later.

What Lies Underneath

What started out as something simply following your heart and being “good” to fellow human beings turned intoUglyHeart-PrettyFace a massive learning experience. Worse, it has turned into a punishment for my IVF children who are innocent and voiceless. Every marriage has issues, it is the ability to come through it. As a family caregiver, I put my education on hold. As a direct consequence, certain career paths became non-existent especially in the line of finance and business. Money is not everything in life, love is…right, I tried that. The entire relationship became about servitude and slavery to secrecy and lies. You see the “traumatic medical condition” is intersex, something still TABOO and not to be talked about openly. Then how do we DEAL with EFFECTS of INTERSEX to people like us? As victims, how do we get relief without being able to voice our concerns?

1) Because the spouse is intersex, an intersex surgery was needed which was based on a concealment based approach using lies, secrecy, coercion and misinformation. While we had NO evidence until 2013 that the surgery was unnecessary and was torture when the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP. Apparently, we are one of the several “guinea pigs” in medical experimentation of intersex without our knowledge.

2) Because of intersex in the family, there is infertility. Infertility has several solutions but as immigrants to the US, the solutions become limited. International IVF is one of those solutions but immigration rights are still NOT equal for intersex families. While gay and intersex families are different, from a legal perspective, they are treated the same especially when it comes to immigration and marital rights. Till recently, gay marriage was illegal in the US and so was immigration of gay spouses. What is the status for intersex marriage and immigration based on intersex marriage?

LOVE – Have Some Compassion

We have every sympathy for an intersex person and let our actions speak for themselves. What we also have is sympathy for EFFECTS of intersex on families when it comes to infertility, immigration and marital rights. It is a LACK of these rights for intersex families is why the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister arePushing the Envelope SEPARATED. Maulik became an inadvertent familypreuneur in dealing with intersex issues and effects of an intersex marriage. Family means LOVE and TRUST and RESPECT for each other. There is no room for LIES, SECRECY, and FRAUD. Regardless of whether it is a heterosexual, gay, lesbian, intersex marriage or relationship, LOVE IS defined the SAME way.

If an intersex person has EVERY right to “feel” how they want, does the spouse have a right to “feel” how they want based on the discrimination faced as a member of the intersex family? Are both EQUAL humans? Being intersex is natural and something not in a person’s control but secrecy and lying about it is in a person’s control including STRIPPING rights from an unsuspecting, unknowing spouse.

Certain things ALWAYS remain true even though it may be SHOCKING when they first are revealed and there is a huge resistance to CHANGE. Galileo’s observation that earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around. Even though Galileo was defamed, tortured and humiliated at the time, today we all KNOW he was saying the TRUTH.

In the future, there will be people born with CAIS with male testes and NO ovaries or uterus and have a genetic makeup of “XY”. Just because some doctor chose to LIE and create a FRAUD medical record (a crime) does not make a CAIS person have “ovaries”.  There is a severe traumatic phase when one undergoes this surgery and treatment, a caregiver would know intimately. Can the person be a PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for an infant at the same time? Because the spouse was being “good” with the secrecy and lies, somehow it is OK to separate his son from him now? or to SEPARATE a brother from his sister?

People like Tony Briffa and Edie Windsor are the true faces of LGBTI because they are being HONEST. They are leading the way on how to get EQUAL rights. If gender is based on how someone “feels” and NOT chromosomal makeup like “XX” or “XY” or any other variation, the only thing we “feel” is honesty and respect for LAWS is needed especially in a sacred relationship like LOVE – truth is paramount. If someone’s HUMAN RIGHTS are violated, say the truth and fight for EQUAL rights but do not trample on other people’s human rights by victimizing innocent, unsuspecting people.

Had there been NO intent to lie, cheat, fraud the spouse in an illegal marriage, there would be NO continuation of LIES and FRAUD to separate an innocent son from his sibling and only known biological family at any and all costs.

Do good things happen to good people? Let us hope children are counted as people and not a trophy for infertility and something good does happen to them.