Tag Archives: dysfertility

Why We Need IVF Crisis Centers and What Is Their Impact?

IVF-Crisis-CenterWould the same children have got justice if a husband had abandoned them? Would the cry of a helpless intersex, immigrant, IVF father for his children be heard if crisis centers existed?  There is nothing stereotypical about an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent. What is worse is their children cannot get justice? Is that right? If there are rape crisis centers, why are there no IVF crisis centers? Rape is a terrible crime and for decades if not centuries has been either shoved under the carpet and worse no justice for the survivors who instead are re-victimized using a “blame the victim” approach. We can take some learning lessons on how we have dealt with this? Rape can also include sexual, emotional, financial and social rape. If IVF crisis centers existed, would innocent IVF children  and families get justice they deserve? What is the impact of crisis centers?

  1. Legally, an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent cannot exist without violating some laws. This means when you approach a court for relief, you will first be intimidated, threatened with dire consequences because laws have been violated and are complicit to the crimes, the result is the parent is denied justice and implicitly are the innocent children. Slavery was legal but still wrong, “Jim Crow” laws were legal but Rosa Parks was right for taking a stand against the prevailing laws. What should an intersex, immigrant, IVF father do because cheating, lying, abuse, abandoning an innocent child will always remain a crime regardless of decade or century.
  2. In any war, the innocent and children are spared. Then why aren’t innocent children spared in the war on fertility? With complex international case of IVF severely lacking laws, what if someone with full knowledge of laws (or lack thereof) misuses them for personal benefit while denying rights to innocent children. Who protects them? A crisis center can help separate facts from fiction and help innocent.
  3. If a person is raped, a heinous act, they cannot change that but crisis centers can provide moral, emotional, legal, financial support. They get to meet other survivors of rape. They also get an opportunity to seek justice through proper channels with access to proper tools. Courts, police, evidence, justice system, etc. They also have a support group including medical professionals, lawyers, police, other survivors who encourage them to share the truth and not doubt OR ask them to be hushed and forget the heinous crime ( as was 100 years ago).
  4. Now imagine a repeat of this for an IVF parent. Worse, imagine not getting justice for innocent IVF children? Without a crisis center, all the tools are absent and inaccessible and justice is denied and a survivor is victimized again using a “blame the victim” approach. Is helping an infertile person a crime and will it be so forever?
  5. If a rape survivor is not given proper support, that does not mean the rape did not occur and they still want justice. Without proper tools, they will try to collect evidence, testimony, etc on their own just so that they can file a legal case. A rapist is neither a good person nor void of other crimes meaning when a rape survivor tries to collect evidence on their own, they may be exposed to other bad elements of society including more crimes and possibly risking their life and worse exposing them to be raped again. But the thirst for justice is so high that these risks seem miniscule.
  6. Now imagine an IVF parent trying to seek justice for his IVF children. They are also exposed to criminals who are white collar criminals and more dangerous because they use education as the weapon of choice to lie. How is that justice for abandoned IVF child and an alienated IVF child?
  7. People want to believe we live in an “equal” world. The reality is we would like to live in an “equal” world but are working towards it. This is a fact and acceptance of the problem is the first step towards a solution. If world was equal, intersex marriages would be legal. If world was equal, parents could immigrate with children without a genetic link (highly relevant legal criteria in international IVF). If world was equal, breastfeeding an infant would require one to have milk and not whether you are male or female, mother or father. In IVF or adoption cases, it is not uncommon for the intended parent to breastfeed even though the birth mother is a different individual.
  8. The idea is simple – truth can only help, denying it can only create more victims. And justice often is synchronous with truth as it seeks facts. When truth is denied, justice is denied and the future is not helped because no change occurs as we are still in denial.
  9. As the recent medical report about Adam Lanza revealed that it was the “appeasement approach” including the mother and the so called “experts” which led to his demise and other innocent. The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun“, it can also be false records with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims. When the “experts”/ “system” teaches a person to lie whether through appeasement or directly, it can have disastrous consequences creating innocent victims including children just like for intersex, immigrant, IVF families.
  10. Change is constant and its often encountered with opposition at first leading to secrecy, lies, false allegations, persecution, etc. As it stands today, an intersex, immigrant, IVF person cannot take an IVF child born in India to the US if all laws are followed, does that mean one should lie, cheat, fraud and deny rights of others including innocent children? The right answer is accepting facts, changing laws and moving forward. Denial is not a solution.

Its ONLY 2014 for IVF and NOT 2114 so wait for your IVF Rights

If an HIV person is court ordered to not spread HIV to unsuspecting victims, what should be the rights of unsuspecting spouses of intersex whose rights are snatched ivf-is-the-new-black-gayaway? Whatever lack of rights intersex people have, its the same lack of rights experienced by spouse of an intersex just like an unsuspecting victim of HIV infection. The difference is truth vs lying.

If an Italian marine in India can be allowed to go to Italy on humanitarian grounds, why cant an innocent Indian IVF child be allowed to see his loving family is in India?

If a Jordanian terrorist who is now a UK citizen can be sent back to his home country to allow due process and then denied access back to UK, his newly naturalized country of citizenship, why can’t an IVF terrorist who is now a US citizen be sent back to their home country in India to allow due process? Or should they be allowed to run from laws while innocent children who they victimized and continue to suffer the injustice? Do innocent IVF children have rights?

Where is the moral compass? Its not that the moral compass is missing but it seems that it is easier to break laws for personal benefit including abusing innocent children and using them as commodity. It seems that in 2014, people who lie and break laws will be rewarded rather than changing the laws like Rosa Parks or Edie Windsor did by standing up for truth. There is a pride about being American, is it still true for innocent, unsuspecting IVF children and families? As per CDC, about 1% of births in US were through IVF meaning on an empirical scale, IVF and its issues affect about 1% of the population who want children. It also means that the other 99% if made aware of the severe lack in laws for IVF children and families, most would support the right thing to do and therefore education and awareness is key to securing IVF rights. If you know, you will care. You may disagree but that means you cared enough to even disagree rather than being oblivious.

  1. When a mother has multiple miscarriages, only she know how she feels. When an IVF father has multiple failed IVF attempts, how does/should he feel. He knows, do others know?
  2. When a mother is kicked in the stomach while pregnant, only she knows whats at risk for her and the child. When an ongoing IVF pregnancy with joint consent is abandoned by an intended “mother”, how should the IVF father and the IVF brother who wanted a sibling feel? They know, do others know?
  3. When a mother has to give up a child under duress and coercion, only she knows how it feels. When an IVF father is coerced under severe trauma and under duress is forced to agree to lies, only he knows how that feels.
  4. When a mother is helpless and both her children need help, who does she save? When an IVF father is helpless and forced to choose between two innocent IVF children who he loves equally, how should he feel?
  5. Only a woman can understand the pain of a fellow woman being abused and who has no rights. And she would help a fellow woman. even if it meant going against her own family because its the right thing to do. Only an IVF parent can understand the pain of an IVF child who are both victims of abuse, negligence and finally both abandoned and stranded left in legal limbo to survive on their own.
  6. Commodifying women is not just wrong but inhumane. Commodifying IVF parent and their IVF children only to be discarded is not just wrong but inhumane.

As humans, we are a sum of our experiences. Asking a rape victim to forget about the facts is not justice, not in 1814, not in 1914, and not in 2014. Asking an IVF father to forget about the facts of the criminal conspiracy against him and his innocent IVF children including shutting him up to hide facts is not justice in 2004, 2009, 2014. Sadly there are some people in the world today who claim the Holocaust did not occur – there are two lessons from that. One is there is no justice for the innocent victims and continued victimization for the left-behind family if you believe the lies and second the chance of reoccurrence with more victims. Same is true for an immigrant, intersex, IVF family. Lies are wrong and truth is real and the right way forward in everyone’s best interest and innocent victims deserve due process and justice rather than shoving issues under the carpet.

Laws choose to discriminate which maybe well-intentioned but sadly are manipulated and laws are broken by people for personal benefit. Innocent children only recognize love and truth. There is no love in abandoning innocent children or splitting innocent siblings. Infertility is not a crime, lying about infertility is a crime as per laws. More importantly, do lies that break laws and place innocent children in legal limbo deserve action and justice in the proverbial “best interest of child”  or should criminals who are childless be let go? Whose trauma is more – the adult who lies or innocent children who are voiceless?

There is no way to gauge the real impact of the trauma unless you have experienced it yourself. And sometimes the heinousness is so abrasive that even without going through it, as a human being we realize the difference between right and wrong. Being an immigrant, intersex, IVF family is illegal in 2000s both in India and the US as per laws, hiding and lying about it is NOT going to help anyone, especially the unsuspecting, innocent victims.

Happy World Embryology Day

Thirty six years ago, he world’s first IVF child was born. Wishing everyone a Happy World Embryology day if you care. Some famous people born in IVF-Cruelty1978 as well are Ashton Kutcher, Zoe Saldana, Tia and Tamera Mowry, Usher, Kobe Bryant, Katie Holmes, first IVF baby in the world – Louise Brown, India’s first IVF baby – Durga. Sadly, we still do not have equal rights for IVF children and families.

Technology is wonderful when used correctly and thanks to the hard work of scientists, researchers for doing their part for the progress of humanity. Whose job is it to have laws that keep pace with technology? Have they done their job? What happens when the laws fall short and innocent IVF children are victimized with no justice? Whose responsibility and accountability is that?

In 1978, there were about 4.3 billion people and 2 IVF children.

In 2012, there were about 7.1 billion people and the 5 millionth IVF child was delivered.

In 2012, the CDC estimated 1% of all births in US were through IVF and expect all births to be about 5% soon.

By 2020, the population is estimated to be about 7.7 billion and the IVF industry is expected to double (maybe the number of IVF children born will also double as a conservative estimate?)

When will IVF be a “big enough” issue to start caring? And it is about the innocent, voiceless IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable. When will we as a society wake up? What will it take for us as a society to wake up? 

If “IVF” is an “industry”, then what is it “product” and who is protecting their rights? Should any industry be regulated especially where billions of dollars are involved? Especially where innocent children’s lives may be at risk? Especially where innocent children’s welfare may be endangered?

If “IVF” is to help infertile or dysfertile people, who helps the IVF children? What are the rights of IVF children when born during a divorce? Do they deserve a legal identity or should they be shoved under the carpet and make them invisible? Does that solve the problem?

When a straight couple who is dealing with infertility, are both spouses impacted with the lack of laws for IVF children and families? When gay couples, lesbian couples, single men, single women, infertile couples attempt to solve their “dysfertility” with help of other compassionate human beings, should there also be laws to help them and the IVF children? Or should such people be discriminated and falsely persecuted for daring to dream to have a child through help of technology? Worse their innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit and for the actions of their parents.

Every IVF journey is unique. Some result in not having a IVF child at all despite multiple attempts which sadly failed. The worst is having an IVF child who is born into legal limbo and not having any rights as a living, breathing human being. Sadly, pets have more rights in some cases. 

This year on World Embryology Day, let us pledge for equal rights for IVF children and families. This includes the entire IVF fraternity – the donors, the surrogates, the IVF clinics and medical professionals, the intended parents, and most importantly the IVF child. If there are laws for international child adoption, if there are laws for international child abduction, why are there no laws for international IVF children? More importantly, in absence of these laws, how do innocent victims get justice? 

The cornerstone of any IVF cycle is compassion of a fellow human being. It is the essence of our humanity. Let us hope that is NOT lost.

The Fertility Wars

To the ones who pontificate on infertility or dysfertility, if you have done the deeds then you will know the needs of an infertile or honesty-lies-ivfdysfertile family.

Wars have always been fought amongst humans. There is a fertility war going on right now where lack of laws leads people to do things which is hurting innocent children. What is better – to give a life or diminish a life? By placing innocent children in legal limbo it is attacking their basic human dignity and respect. It is a crime against humanity from the innocent child’s perspective because people with no legal identity have no legal rights – they are legally invisible yet have to survive physically in this same world.

Just like any other war, there are wounds, scars, destruction of lives, innocent children who are voiceless victims, the fertility wars of immigrant, IVF, intersex family in 2000s. Is it time for a change?

There are lot of ways to solve infertility but to create an IVF child and then to abandon the child is NOT a solution to fertility issues. The innocent child deserves equal respect as a human being. The compassionate surrogate who agreed to help and carry the child deserves equal respect as a human being and not to be left stranded with a child she agreed to carry for someone else.

It is one thing to have an IVF child as an infertile person but what is it to use anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-intersex laws to use against an IVF family and children who are IVF siblings?

During the baby scoop era in the US, children were taken away from their “biological mothers” because their only fault was to be born to a “single mother” which was socially unacceptable at the time. Is the same philosophy and stereotypes being repeated with IVF parents, families are being discriminated based on biology and gender of a parent to a child? Or do we have the strength and courage as a society to face the facts if not for the adults sake then at least for the sake of innocent, voiceless IVF children?

Are only women allowed to grieve and have sympathy for infertility? Or is wanting to have a child a “human” trait and a man may also want a child just as dearly? Stereotypes are just that stereotypes but they ruin lives in so many ways because laws reflect stereotypes.

What if an interracial couple in the US had a child together pre-1967, does that mean the child deserves no legal identity? Or does that mean the child deserves the love of only one parent? What if gay parents had a child pre-2013, does that mean the child deserves no legal identity? Or does that mean the child deserves the love of only one parent?

What if a gay couple have a child together in 2014 born outside the US and there is a DNA mismatch, does that mean the child deserves to be abandoned? Or does that mean the gay parents should have to give up their life in the US and live in exile with their child outside the US?

What if an infertile person wants to have a child but is born outside the US in 2014, how can they legally bring the child to the US with no genetic link?

In an infertile marriage, is it only the infertile spouse who is suffering the trauma of being childless or does it affect both spouses? Surely the fertile spouse could just leave but then given the prevailing laws, how would the left-behind infertile spouse legally have a child?

If an IVF child was born using the father’s sperm, anonymous egg donor and surrogate, and the father was the primary care provider for the child during the tender years due to ongoing medical treatment of the spouse, who is the stereotypical traditional “mother”. Between gay parents, who is the “mother”? Or do we talk about “primary care provider” to convey the same message?

Is infertility so shameful and secretive that the fertile spouse has to be forced into silence from the joy and celebration of his first born child because no one can know about the infertility in the marriage? We have to pretend that the child born is the “biological child” of both parents? If infertility is so shameful and secretive, what is it doing to the fertile spouse and their emotions? Are they humans also? Is it a crime to be born fertile?

If it is the love and character of a parent which counts and not the biology or gender than why lie or suppress facts to the courts and legal authorities? Is it because laws have not caught up yet? And is it wrong to use the inadequacy in the laws to split a primary care provider and a child?

Is the only way to have a child is to abandon another child?

Infertility is very traumatic – both for the infertile person AND the fertile spouse when infertility is dealt jointly in a marriage. The lack of laws are remnants of decades, centuries if not millenias of stereotypes. Certainly not something which can change overnight but in the meantime innocent children are being hurt. Gays will continue to have children even if laws have not caught up. Intersex families will continue to have children even if laws have not caught up. As a society, how do we address the needs of such children who may be placed in legal limbo? Is their welfare being endangered without a valid legal identity? Are the innocent children being made “legally invisible”? Is shoving them under the carpet and pretending they do not exist valuing their “human life”? As a parent, no one wants their child to be called ugly. But as an IVF parent, thats what is happening to my IVF children due to lack of laws. How dare as a fertile person I thought of having an IVF child as an immigrant, intersex spouse? Now my IVF children must be condemned and punished for this horrific crimes…really, thats our reality but is it the right reality? The right answer is to change the laws and not break the laws. The right answer is to save children and not abandon them.

IVF Parent Wish List…

The lack of laws is creating an impossible mountain to overcome for IVF children and families much like a staircase for a person in a wheelchair. Help us to self-help ourselves. We don’t want pity, just laws for protecting our basic human rights and have an opportunity to be treated equally.

An IVF parent never tires, its ingrained in their DNA. Most people who become an IVF parent have experienced failure before success of  birth of a lovelyIVF-Wish-List IVF child. Every IVF parent’s journey is unique and not giving up is in their DNA. Even after multiple rounds of IVF treatment and failure, an IVF parent continues to find innovative ways to have a child. In every IVF parent is a very strong person overcoming several challenges, sadly, sometimes in silence and isolation due to the secrecy and stigma with infertility or dysfertility. The discrimination against IVF parent based on gender and biology is causing discrimination against IVF children and its time to begin to petition for a change. Stop dehumanizing children for personal benefit and rise above for the greater good. Currently, asking for basic if not equal rights for IVF children and families is the wake before the Brown V. Board of Education or Roe V. Wade or [Interracial marriage] V State of Virginia or the civil rights movement or the latest being DOMA’s revocation. We are beginning an IVF Movement for future rights of IVF children and families.

Theodore Roosevelt’s quote, “Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those timid spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live In the grey twilight that knows nether victory nor defeat.

Most people DO NOT know or understand what an IVF parent goes through. Statistically as per CDC data, about 1% of all child births are through IVF. Statistically, only 1 in 3 IVF attempts are successful. By conservative estimate, that would mean about 3% of the parents have experienced and attempted IVF resulting in success or failure. When you extend the number to the general population, the number is even smaller because not everyone is a parent in the general population. So we are talking about a very small minority of total population who actually have the experience of IVF. The medical doctors, the supporting medical staff help with IVF and are integral part of the IVF journey but do not go through the same roller coaster rides of emotions, finance, immigration, laws, etc. The IVF ecosystem is large – donors, surrogates, intended parents, and yes, most importantly the IVF child who physically go through the roller coaster rides of emotions, anxiety, sleepless nights, silence, isolation, keeping a happy face outside but crying on the inside, financial issues, legal issues, immigration issues, etc. Statistically, most people DON’T know or understand what an IVF parent goes through unless truth is allowed to be shared. Is silencing an IVF parent a sophisticated form of white collar crime and advanced child abduction and/or retention for personal benefit? What is the best interest of the child?

We begin the IVF Parent Wish List AFTER the Birth of an IVF child and in the best interest of the IVF child. Its been 35 years since the first IVF child was born, is it time to come out of secrecy and start asking for scientific information and legal rights for IVF children and families. If I had enough money as an IVF parent, I wish to…

1) Move Forward for Change – Advocate and donate huge sums for medical research on IVF children’s health, well-being and long-term needs like Michael J. Fox advocates about Parkinson’s disease.

2) Get a Celebrity Endorsement To Raise Awareness – Advocate for equal laws for IVF children and families by speaking the truth like Magic Johnson did by talking about HIV and changing the course of history in terms of medical funds and research for HIV/AIDS. What we need is more scientific data and research and not secrecy and lies.

3) Human Rights and Child Rights – Expose the inhumane conditions and fraud in the IVF industry where some rogue people have converted into a “baby making factory” with no respect for basic human dignity of an IVF child and others. Children need protection from a new brand of criminal –  IVFphiles. Erin Brockovich, Rosa Parks, Susan Anthony come to mind as inspiration in taking on a flawed system.

4) Scientific Research – Seek to understand the behavioral issues and any other health issues experienced by IVF children due to their unique birth circumstances as studies are now reporting. We need more studies in to help IVF parents and children not more silence and fraud. By accepting the truth and understanding issues if any, we can help innocent children better adjust to life and be all they can be.

5) Better Health – New studies claim that because of the IVF procedure, IVF children maybe at a higher risk of cancer like leukemia. In case an IVF child needs a bone marrow, will the “biological link” help save his life or will the fraud birth documents falsely claiming an intended parent as the biological parent? What is needed is more scientific evidence and not furtherance of secrecy, lies and fraud as it hurts innocent IVF children apart from it also breaking the laws.

6) Best Interest of the Child – There are several parents with children of Down’s Syndrome, ADHD, ADD, cystic fibrosis, Tay-Sachs Syndrome and other medical conditions. As any parent, they are looking for a normal if not better future for their children. They are looking for an environment of basic rights if not equal. Same is true of an IVF parent who wants protection of basic human decency and respect for the IVF children and not to be treated like “property” even if inadvertent. Only sharing of facts and truth can reveal this, silence and secrecy only further victimizes innocents and worse it does not benefit in getting laws changed or passed creating more innocent victims possibly in the future. 

There are several other issues specific to the health and well-being of an IVF child far too complex to go into in 2013. The ethos of USA has been to say the truth to seek change and justice even if spread across decades. Maybe we need to wait a few more years or decades before we are allowed to come out as proud IVF parents facing real issues and challenges instead of being deemed offensive. The bill of rights for IVF children and family has neither been thought of yet nor a priority because it affects a very small minority. Is it OK to continue to victimize the most vulnerable of the vulnerable? For others, a victimized IVF child and denial of their rights and respect as a human being may just be a “statistic”, for an IVF parent the child is their LIFE who deserves basic human dignity if not equal.

Minority Report

This is a unique minority report, however we do not have the “precogs” available like in the movie, Minority Report. In a few years, looking back, the minority reportright thing will have been to unite the innocent IVF brother and sister instead of splitting them. Of course, it will be nice to also have equal rights for IVF children and families in the future so that these inhumane situations are not created. Sadly, infertility and IVF are dealt with lot of secrecy and stigma which means not too many people speak up and suffer in silence. Due to lack of laws and lengthy legal battles, they may even abandon the IVF child unwantingly. What are the rights of the IVF child – whether forcefully abandoned or not? As a human race, why are we “manufacturing” human babies without adequate laws protecting the rights of IVF children and families? Can we do better?

If two IVF siblings are born the same way from a legal perspective, then should both have them have the same legal status? Is it fair to show compassion to one and not the other?

It is a fact that laws have been broken and IVF children have been created who are in legal limbo and land-locked and our only solution as humans is inaction? Should the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister be united?

If child trafficking is a crime against humanity, is creating IVF children and placing them in legal limbo thereby denying their rights a crime?

If human trafficking is a crime whereby their basic human rights are violated, is creating IVF children and making them stateless and land-locked a crime?

There are several Nazi guards and soldiers sheltering in the US who may have never committed any crime on US land. However, because of the crime against humanity, they are still prosecuted and deported and brought to justice. Is creating stateless IVF children deliberately a crime against humanity? Do IVF children have rights and do they deserve equal rights as humans?

Nazis created situations where a parent had to pick between innocent children on who to send to the gas chamber. Is creating situation and manipulating the anti-gay, anti-IVF laws to place an IVF parent in a situation to pick between two IVF children on two separate continents?

Minority within Minority

The other minority is intersex people and families. Is the secrecy and stigma only felt by the intersex person or also by the spouse of intersex and children? Are the effects of intersex surgery only felt by the intersex person or also the spouse and children when the intersex surgery is performed during a marriage? Is infertility and lack of laws for intersex families only felt by the intersex person or also by the spouse of intersex and children?

First, we have to get past the “shame and secrecy”. If gays are proud and open, they achieve equal rights. Why can’t intersex families also hope for the same? So are intersex male or female or “third gender”? If intersex are female then why are governments passing laws to have a legal “third gender”? If intersex are female then why are they removing male testes and lying and creating fraud documents about the surgery? If this surgery is “torture” and traumatic for the intersex patient, what are the effects on the spouse of intersex and children of intersex when the surgery is performed during a marriage? Is gay family rights same as intersex family rights?

If an intersex person has a “right to feel female”, does a spouse of intersex have an equal “right to feel” also? Does the spouse of intersex have the “right to feel” what governments and honest intersex people around the world are feeling, the need for “third gender”? This is a specialized “spouse of intersex” who has witnessed the transition of an intersex person in every way possible when they had the intersex surgery during the marriage – an event that does not occur for most intersex marriages. The spouse is as much of a victim and in severe trauma of a different kind as much as the intersex person. Only by recognizing the facts can we move to a solution. We are genuinely missing the “precogs” to offer insight into the future. The spouse and children in an intersex marriage are the minority within a minority and have equal rights too or not?

The issue is not intersex, infertility (IVF) or immigration, these are just the mechanisms used to expose the lack of laws. The issue is secrecy, lying and relentless breaking of the laws with no respect for basic human dignity and respect including innocent children. The silence is offensive and hurting innocent, voiceless IVF children.

Pay It Forward – Living in the 22nd Century

Maybe pigs will fly in the 22nd century, maybe humans will have a stomach belt or something to make individual flying possible like “one-person pay it forward living 22nd centuryhelicopters” or maybe characters in TV will come flying out and have holograms sitting next to us and have a “chat” with us or maybe we can all just get along. This article is not about the technological advancements of humans in the 22nd century, it is about social justice landscape in the 22nd century. Our story in the 21st century begins after LGBTI rights have become equal; still not there in 2013. Whether it is slavery, women suffrage, end to colonialism, independence and freedom, civil rights, apartheid, interracial marriages, gay rights, etc; life goes on. What legacy do we want to leave behind for children? Is it wrong to want to raise your children based on truth with compassion and independence with love? There is every sympathy for intersex people which has been shown more by action than in words; there are other victims too. Let truth prevail and certainly continuing to lie and live in secrecy is a failed approach. Why remain “invisible” in the eyes of the law? It is better to die trying to become “visible” in the eyes of the law and make a “dent” in the social justice fabric if not for us personally, maybe for future generations yet to come – pay it forward. After surviving death, the truth has to be heard as the silence is victimizing innocent children.

Truth with Compassion and Independence with Love

Welcome to the landmark case of the century – we are dealing with four Is – intersex, infertility (IVF), immigration, invisibility. If we were dealing with only one of these issues, it is a challenge to overcome but dealing all together is just lucky to be alive.

A dysfunctional intersex family who is infertile or dysfertile and are also immigrants. All three subjects are very sensitive and complicated to be talking about it in 2013. There is a veil of taboo, secrecy, stigma, lies. For our situation, the laws do NOT exist. Basically, we are “invisible” in the eyes of the law and are not a critical mass to make up any electoral votes. It seems cats and dogs have better “human rights” than us in the 21st century. At least, the cats and dogs are “visible” in the eyes of law, we do not even exist, so how can there be “human rights” for binational immigrant IVF parent and his IVF children?

We see a future where there are equal intersex rights to be able to marry legally and able to adopt children legally so intersex families do not have to lie, cheat, and fraud unsuspecting innocent victims. Being intersex is a genetic condition and is not in a person’s control but being honest or lie about is in their control. Every marriage has varying degrees of lies but what if the lies break the laws?

We see a future where there are equal rights for IVF children and families so that IVF parents no longer need to lie or make fraud documents just to have a child. As a human being, every person has the right to want to become a parent, it is human. But NOT at the cost of innocent children’s rights or victimizing them who may be too young and voiceless to know or fight for their rights.

We see a future where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex (LGBTI) will have equal marriage and immigration rights so that people who love each other do not have to be separated from each other. More than that, it is about respecting basic human decency. That way people DO NOT have to lie about their sexual orientation or gender when asking for equal rights.

The common thread in all this is becoming “visible” from “invisible” – first socially and then legally.

Indirect Laws by 22nd Century

As a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex and an IVF male parent in the 21st century, no laws exist to protect our human rights or our caregiver rights or our parental rights and so on. The reality is we will get “indirect” laws.

  • If gay rights existed, there would also be laws for domestic violence and abuse against men.
  • If gay rights existed in 2009, an IVF father can ride on the coattails of such laws to bring their IVF child with them.
  • If equal rights for IVF children and families existed, an IVF father can ride on the coattails of such laws and get “legal status” for the innocent, voiceless IVF children. Current status of legal limbo for IVF children is a violation of their human rights.
  • Maybe there will be equal rights for intersex and thus there is less or no lying when an intersex divorce occurs. And that way there is a practical solution where the child is in a practical shared custody – the best interest of the child.
  • There are people who are vocal about their breast cancer or ovarian cancer or testicular cancer and other traumatic conditions. That way they are getting the help they need and if they have a caregiver, he or she is also allowed to share the truth with others and get the help and support they need. It will take more than a century to understand the abuse, trauma, violence, fraud, lies perpetrated on a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex and a binational immigrant IVF father.

Familypreneur

The definition for “entrepreneur” as provided by the dictionary is : one who organizes, manages, and takes on UglyHeart-PrettyFacethe risks of a business or enterprise. Then what is a “familypreneur“? Is it ” one who organizes, manages, and takes on the risks of a family”? Typically, this is a role that women have taken on traditionally or naturally. There are women who may take offense to have it “expected” out of them Vs. there are women who may take offense if its not mentioned. As in other things in life, one cannot make everyone happy. But you start a discussion somewhere, silence is the worst form of abuse. From first hand accounts from victims of rape, domestic violence and abuse, it has come to realization that staying SILENT is wrong and allows the abuser to abuse more. TRUTH is the only way forward.

Mothers are great, the traditional familypreneur. They have multiple roles as primary caregiver, primary healer, primary forgiver, primary compassionate and loving person and keeps the “family” glued together just to name a few. It is not that a mother makes you a meal or whatever else but how she does it with tender love and care that makes a mother different in ALL regards. When there are two genetic males in a relationship, who is the “traditional familypreneur”? When a child arrives (technology is amazing!), who is the “traditional familypreneur” between two genetic males? Do we have the laws and resources and social organizations to help relationships between two genetic males like domestic violence, abuse, equal rights, etc? For those who believe its time to move on, we welcome you to know the TRUTH and FACTS and you will understand that the young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND an IVF father is not someone who GIVES UP. Had he given up, the intersex person would have been devastated long time ago, the IVF children would NEVER have been born and more than likely, his life would have ended a long time ago if giving up is the cause. So, GIVING UP is not the answer, TRUTH with COMPASSION is. The spouse always showed compassion but was missing the TRUTH part and its never too late to start speaking the truth, especially when INNOCENT children are involved. The lion inside the IVF father has woken up for the sake of his CHILDREN. The issue is neither intersex nor infertility, the issue is LYING and BREAKING the LAWS including abusing innocent infants and denying them their rights.

I Have A Dream…

I have a dream that someday IVF children and families will have EQUAL rights and NOT be a slave or hostage to infertility, secrecy and stigma. Infertility is very traumatic, why continue the burden onto innocent, voiceless IVF children after they are born due to unequal laws?

I have a dream that someday a child’s rights is NOT based on their parent’s gender.

I have a dream that someday what will matter MOST is the love for the child as a parent and NOT a parent’s gender.

I have a dream that someday IVF parents are able to say the TRUTH to their IVF children without any stigma or REQUIRING a court order to say the TRUTH.

I have a dream that someday IVF families will be allowed to CELEBRATE IVF with their IVF children instead of SUPPRESSING the FACTS and LYING and CENSORSHIP.

I have a dream that someday the ONLY thing that matters is TRUTH.

Relentless Servitude and Repeated Lying and Breaking the Laws

Intersex marriage is illegal just like same-sex marriage is illegal. So if you are in love with a same-sex person, do you convince them to commit fraud and break the laws? Or do you both UNITE as a family and fight for equal rights so that you can marry legally? Falling in love with same-sex person is “Personal” while “legal marriage” is a public policy issue. If you lie, cheat, and fraud into an intersex marriage, does that mean the marriage is legal? Does that mean that other intersex people can ALSO marry legally? Isn’t it better to fight for equal rights and the greater good than just thinking selfishly for yourself? This is about living on the EDGE of medical science and on the EDGE of social justice. Take a journey into why a DECADE of secrecy and lies is a failed approach and why TRUTH with compassion is the right answer. While the Asian cultures recognize the “third gender” legally, the western culture forces everyone into a “binary gender” and regardless the laws in the west also consider intersex marriage illegal.

Maybe if you lied, cheated, and frauded into a marriage, if you truly love the person, you apologize, ask for forgiveness and move on. If there is compassion, there will be life after that. The secrecy helps NO ONE. There are several intersex people who have intersex surgery either in childhood, or in puberty or as an adult but NOT DURING MARRIAGE. When a spouse of intersex experiences intersex surgery DURING MARRIAGE, he is not only taking RISK for the family but it is UNKNOWN RISK. The spouse becomes a caregiver overnight due to the medications, the treatment. There are several marriages where a spouse may have a “life-changing” health condition like a young war veteran amputee or a breast cancer treatment and so on. Several spouses STAY and help out as a caregiver. More importantly, the spouses are allowed to share the TRUTH and seek HELP. The young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex is FORCED into SILENCE and thereby DENIED any HELP. Is that abuse? The intersex person and their health providers thought ONLY about the intersex patient, NOT the caregiver, NOT the FAMILY. Because the health providers ONLY have protocols for helping intersex people and their parents, NONE for spouse of intersex. The spouse of intersex takes on UNKNOWN RISK for the family, manages and organizes everything in SILENCE. The intersex surgery is NOT abuse but the effects of it are including violence abuse and threats. Creating FRAUD LEGAL DOCUMENTS is a CRIME regardless of justifications. The way it is being dealt with DURING A MARRIAGE is abuse and a gross violation of human rights. Since the marriage is ILLEGAL, can there be any charges of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE? Technically, the marriage is between two genetic males, are there any LAWS for violence and abuse of male Vs. male? The spouse is rendered into the land of invisible in the eyes of law. As the old addage goes, till death do us apart. The spouse witnessed the WORST possible stages that an individual can go through…a transition that affects you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, in EVERY WAY possible. The spouse managed, organized the family in SILENCE, STOOD BY the intersex SPOUSE, DID NOT LEAVE THE MARRIAGE. In all these times, the spouse did not even care for himself, something most family caregivers are guilty of. Does that mean we can ABUSE them?

Then came the child. Biologically, two genetic males cannot have a child. However, medical technology like in vitro fertilization (IVF) is amazing and helps infertile or dysfertile couples. It is expensive. As a YOUNG couple, we did not have the FINANCIAL resources to have an IVF child in the US. India, our country of citizenship, had just opened up commercial surrogacy. Sadly, there were NO agencies or subject matter experts to help us organize and manage IVF in India while we live in the US. Plus we were dealing with infertility in secrecy as the intersex spouse in NO WAY wanted anyone to know about the infertility just like intersex. ROUND 2 of failed approach of SECRECY and LIES. As a result, we had NO access to bioethicists, women’s organizations, proper counseling for IVF – the pros and cons from a neutral partner. We were young, foolish and desperate for a child. Had the TRUTH been known, most people would have asked us to WAIT to have a child. We LIED, we kept SECRETS and got a lovely IVF child. During those times as the biological parent, the fertile spouse spent sleepless nights talking to the IVF clinic in India and gathering information about his soon to be born FIRST CHILD. For any parent, thats a MOMENT of great JOY. However because the IVF procedure was SECRET, because we could NOT tell our family and friends, the fertile spouse was NOT allowed to SHARE the JOY of having a child. Is that CRUEL? Wouldn’t have been better to just say the TRUTH? Just like the ongoing caregiving experience was in silence, the becoming a PARENT was experienced in SILENCE. The IVF child was born, fraud LEGAL documents were CREATED AGAIN just like the intersex surgery, and the IVF child was illegally brought to the US. This was probably the single BIGGEST RISK taken for the family. Instead of celebrating the FIRST IVF CHILD of an Eunuch marriage in India or known as intersex elsewhere, why should we be silenced? It is a SYMBOL of everything that intersex or Eunuchs are fighting for worldwide – EQUALITY.

Raising The First IVF Child of an Eunuch Marriage

Mothers are great and I love my mother. Who is the “mother” for a child between two genetic males? Unless you are opposed to gay marriage and we can stop the discussion. Who is the “mother” for a child in a gay couple? In an IVF child case, who is the “legal mother”? the anonymous egg donor or the surrogate or the two genetic males? Rather than focusing on “mother”, we can discuss about the “primary care provider”. One spouse was under medical treatment for intersex surgery and still coming to terms with the ongoing hormonal treatment. Also, they had a broken leg making it physically impractical to carry an infant, change the diapers on the infant, taking the infant out for a walk with their broken leg, and so many other things that a “primary care provider” does. While it is very TRAUMATIC for the intersex spouse, who DID the “primary care provider” duties for the INFANT? Did his diaper get changed automatically? Did someone pick him up automatically? Did someone take him out for walks, to the park, look after his development while one spouse was recovering from multiple tragedies? Could it be the young, male, spouse caregiver who also DOUBLED up as the biological parent who had already spend several sleepless nights waiting in SILENCE for this bundle of love to arrive? Could he manage and organize and take the RISK for the family, his own son? Could he be the primary care provider for his own son for whom he had struggled so hard?

Years Passed

The intersex spouse gradually kept getting better at the cost of silence of the fertile spouse caregiver and the innocent infant. If she is a butterfly today, we have both experienced and witnessed the ugly stage of larvae. The  silence and abuse was unbearable and the fertile spouse asked for a divorce. This shook the foundation of the intersex spouse. One, the marriage was illegal, second there was NO biological connection with the IVF child, a DNA test would prove that, and third and probably the most important one, who else and how else would she get ANOTHER child in this lifetime? Sadly, the LAWS for intersex are unequal and living as a binational immigrant in the US, makes it only WORSE for IVF families and children. Does that mean its OK to SPLIT a child from his primary care provider, his father? Does that mean its OK to SPLIT an IVF child from his only knownn biological family? We have shown our sympathy, empathy, compassion more in ACTION than in words for the traumatic case of intersex, but we are humans too, we have human rights too, or do we? More importantly, our IVF children deserve EQUAL rights and should not be INVISIBLE in the eyes of the law. We need a LEGAL IDENTITY for our IVF children. SECRECY AND LIES is NOT the answer. The abuse, violence, threats perpetrated upon us CANNOT BE ALLOWED to be perpetrated on innocent children in the name of “compassion”. Say the TRUTH. The spouse caregiver of intersex and IVF father is LUCKY to be alive. There are several other fertile people who have been murdered or killed or other such things so that an infertile person can take their child away. This is DIFFERENT. This is more like the “baby scoop era” of the 1940s to 1970s when children were taken away from their biological mothers because they were “single” and it was “socially unacceptable” at the time. There were forced adoptions which were LEGALIZED then only for the governments to be APOLOGIZING now. Can the childhoods be RESTORED? Is this case of “LEGAL KIDNAPPING” by suppression of FACTS? What we want is RESPECT the LAWS. If the LAWS are unEQUAL then fight for EQUAL LAWS but BREAKING the LAWS while abusing someone else is NOT the right approach.

This case is AHEAD of its times. Thats OK. If I were to be murdered or be silenced somehow, let TRUTH prevail.

 

Future Rights of IVF Children

I have a dream that in the future all IVF children and families will have equal rights including donors and surrogates. Single parents or gay parents or infertile heterosexual parents Martin-Luther-King-I-have-a-dreamwho opt for IVF will have equal rights. “Accidents” in the IVF clinics where samples are swapped accidentally and hence “no biological link” with a parent will not be the reason to separate IVF children from parents. Innocent IVF children will not be placed inadvertently in legal limbo. Are the laws addressing these issues? Sadly infertility is dealt with secrecy and lies and it becomes difficult to ascertain how many people are affected. The same secrecy and lies are hurting innocent IVF children and their rights. In the future, this will be common knowledge and as a result, such children will also have EQUAL rights and not remain INVISIBLE. The campaign to educate and spread awareness starts now. We need to advocate on rights of infertile or dysfertile people and their IVF children. Will you join us?

As a left-behind parent of an abandoned IVF daughter and watching her turn 4 years, every moment has been worth it. We celebrate her existence and learn from the sacrifices why every human life deserves equal respect and dignity including her. There are no winners here but to punish innocent IVF children who are the most undeserving victims for the crimes they did not commit are the biggest losers. As adults, we must bring their rights as an individual to the forefront. I have a dream that one day it will not be the gender of a parent but the love and character of a parent which will define parenthood. More importantly, innocent siblings will not be judged or discriminated based on the gender of their parent.

What circumstances creates a situation where children have “no legal mother”?

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a medical technology which is great for infertile or dysfertile people. In the early decades since IVF’s finding in 1978, in most cultures it was “reserved” only for “infertile couples”. Suppose thats a remnant of the “baby scoop era” when innocent children were forced into adoption because their only fault was to be born to a “single mother” which was “socially unacceptable” at the time. As time moved on, IVF expanded to single parents, gays, lesbians and so on. This represents the growing tolerance in our society as a whole. However, the LAWS have not caught up with this social tolerance. Specifically, in a “closed environment” where IVF occurs within the boundaries of the same country, there is NO immigration requirement for the IVF child. However, as soon as an IVF parent wants to engage in international IVF, immigration laws and multiple “legal jurisdictions” are engaged which are lagging in laws when it comes to equality.  While people are sympathetic to the situation, the laws are non-existent which places innocent IVF children in a legal limbo. I have a dream that someday in the future we will have EQUAL rights for IVF children in their best interest and not a mere statistic as a “manufactured” human being.

This is NOT just an individual case but affects a lot of IVF families and immigration. Due to secrecy around infertility, very few cases get publicized and an already traumatized infertile or dysfertile families remain silent and continue to bear more trauma in silence. The innocent IVF children suffer and its a gross violation of everyone’s basic human rights. If my IVF children were NOT split, I also may not have spoken up. Please let me know if this would be of interest to you or someone who can help us. There are several US prospective parents who are engaging in IVF/Surrogacy in other countries like India, Thailand and so on as reported in the news media. It is traumatic enough to deal with infertility, should there be added burden of continued trauma due to lack of laws for EQUAL rights for IVF children and families? Let us examine some international IVF cases and its outcome. The common thread among these cases is there is “NO LEGAL MOTHER” as per laws even though physically a mother exists who gives birth.

1) In a recent IVF case in Texas, a court ruled that a woman who had given birth to lovely IVF children was the “mother” who had used donor eggs. In another recent case, US citizenship was DENIED to a set of IVF children based on prevailing US Immigration laws who were also born to a US Citizen mother using donor eggs but outside the US. Why the difference? Its confusing, is she a mother or not? The two IVF siblings are growing up together although in Israel. A US diplomat spokesperson said at the time of denial of US citizenship to the children that while they sympathize with the US citizen mother and children, they are following the laws.

2) In another horror case of a US couple trying to have an IVF child in India, the sperm samples were swapped accidentally by the IVF clinic in India and thus NO biological link exists between the innocent IVF child and the US parents. Because of no biological link to the parents, the innocent IVF child cannot legally come to the US. The choice was to leave the innocent child in an orphanage or try to bring the child to the US on humanitarian grounds. Is it the innocent child’s fault or the parent’s fault? Should there be a legal recourse for medical “accidents” outside the parent’s control?

3) In another case, a father on US green card was left stranded with an IVF daughter in India with no “legal US mother” and is living in EXILE in India raising the innocent IVF child. Even worse, the little girl has an IVF sibling, a brother, in the US who she has NEVER met and it was the IVF brother’s wish to have a sibling and why she is born. What is the innocent IVF siblings fault?

4) In 2005, Canadian parents could NOT bring one of their IVF children back to Canada immediately because as per Canadian immigration laws, a “biological link” is required for a Canadian citizen parent to have their IVF child born outside Canada to legally immigrate to Canada. It seems there was a medical accident and the sperm samples got swapped at the clinic resulting in a failed DNA test between the parents and the IVF child. Is this a FAULT of the parents or accidents of science and technology? Most scientific innovations in history of the world have come from “accidents” – its how we learn, ask Madam Curie. Even though there is NO law for the facts that occurred, the Canadian government relented in the end and after 6 years allowed the family to live together in Canada. The non-biological IVF parents gave up 6 years of their lives showing that it is NOT the biology but the LOVE of a parent. The “biology” needs to be discussed because of the LAWS.

It is important to note that infertility and IVF are often dealt with secrecy. As a result, very few cases are made public. These cases are just tip of the iceberg. A lot of victims may choose to abandon or not go public for their own personal reasons.

Into The Future

Recently, the “father of IVF”, Dr. Robert Edwards who helped bring the FIRST IVF child into the world in 1978 and was awarded a Nobel Prize for his work passed away. We still have a long way to go to concretize his legacy which is ensuring equal rights for IVF children and families including donors, surrogates and the entire IVF fraternity and ecosystem. The 21st century is upon us and calling us.

As more countries are legalizing same-sex marriages, incidents of IVF including international IVF will only grow and having effective international laws protecting the best interest of the child first is of paramount importance. IVF is here to stay and we need laws to catch up with the technology and avoid inadvertent victims, sometimes the most vulnerable, the voiceless, innocent IVF children. This is first a humanitarian crisis and a child rights issue. The Hague has worked multilaterally on laws for International Child Abduction and International Adoption and we need International laws on IVF/Surrogacy in the best interest of the children. The Hague is rightfully working on international laws for IVF/Surrogacy and issues that arise from it and you can find more information here.

As per a June 2011 US government report, the right answer is for the laws to catch up with IVF technology. This is the right answer and we need support to translate the vision into execution and save innocent IVF children and families lives’ before it’s too late. US is a world leader when it comes to advocating and protecting human rights and child rights. It is time to step up and show leadership when it comes to EQUAL rights for IVF children and families and work multilaterally or bilaterally to advocate and spread awareness on this sensitive issue. The current state of “non-existent laws” at an international level is a “wild west” approach which is inadvertently victimizing innocent IVF children and families.

Because What’s Right is Right and What’s Wrong is Wrong

Should we lie to our children or should we teach them to lie or are children smart and learn from our lying? Therise-fall conventional wisdom is one should not lie to children, say the truth but in an age appropriate manner and most certainly without breaking any laws. However, do all parents adhere to this? By lying to children we are creating a whole new generation of WRONG.

1) Trauma or No Trauma?

An intersex person is born this way naturally but yet the secrecy and lying make it some “unnormal” condition. One intersex person may claim their situation is very traumatic, another may take offense to the word, “trauma” and would rather see it as just is. What about someone who has to DEAL with all the issues of intersex in secrecy and lying while breaking the laws? If its NOT TRAUMATIC, then what would be the need to create false and fraudulent medical records?

Some people may try to play a spin on it and claim, well that’s just the way we have dealt with the condition for decades – with secrecy, lying and fraud medical records. Right, and ask the intersex person who was the victim how they feel about it? Just because we have been committing crimes as an institution for decades, it still remains a CRIME. Even if the “institution” claims it is not a crime, how does robbing from a child using lies make it “right”? In a first of its kind case, a court in the US recently admitted a case that claims the intersex surgery on innocent children is unconstitutional. Lying to children, lying to parents, is WRONG. Times are changing…is it WRONG to lie to spouses of intersex also?

2) Lessons learnt – TRUTH or LIES?

The lesson learnt is CLEAR. Lying to children in WRONG. Parents of intersex children who were either lied to or were forced to lie to their intersex children is also WRONG. Empowering with TRUTH is the right answer. The right answer is to get equal rights for intersex and discuss the issues that face intersex families and get laws. As canaries in the coal mine who miraculously survived, lying to children does not help the child. When the child grows up into an adult, they may NOT like their parents who lied to them. Worse, they may also LIE and hurt others. It’s a vicious circle.

Should we LIE to IVF children? Should an IVF parent be forced to LIE to his IVF child? The society, the doctors, the laws all want the IVF parent to LIE to his IVF son. Should these LIES be used against the innocent, voiceless IVF child to separate him from his siblings and family? And how exactly will that HELP the innocent, voiceless IVF child? The right answer is to discuss the issues of international IVF children and families and get laws. It maybe a lifelong fight but its the right fight.

3) The Right Fight for a Parent

Just like an intersex person will always have close ties to intersex issues, IVF children and families will always have close ties to IVF issues. We are BORN THIS WAY. What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. Understanding and sympathizing with desperation of an intersex person is one thing but to REPEAT the secrecy and lies with a whole new class of children and creating new victims due to secrecy and lying is different.

An intersex parent may have been lied to or were taught to lie to their intersex child. How has that helped? Why REPEAT the same with another class of minority – IVF children and parents? How will that help? How do you get justice and relief as victims using secrecy? For a parent, it is one thing to be slapped BUT to have your innocent child SLAPPED is more than a school yard fight. Because this SLAP is about dignity and respect for basic human rights and NOT treat innocent, voiceless IVF children like “property”. Its a SLAP that NO other IVF child or parent should have to endure or experience. Having experienced intersex, IVF, immigration, lies, breaking laws, secrecy and beyond, it is time to STOP and place children FIRST.

A Canadian couple had opted for IVF in India but due to an accident at the IVF clinic in India, the sample got swapped and thus there was a DNA mismatch. As per prevailing immigration laws, the IVF child could NOT immigrate to Canada without a “biological link”. The non-biological IVF parents gave up everything in Canada and moved to India for 6 years and fought for 6 years to have the IVF child legally taken to Canada. It is NOT about the biology, it is about LOVE and TRUTH and while they had 6 horrific years they never planned or imagined, their prayers were answered because they spoke the TRUTH. In the end, what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong.

In another IVF case in India, the non-biological parent from the US never came to India on an IVF child’s birth and thus abandoning her. The IVF child is still languishing in LEGAL LIMBO and STATELESS after 4 years of innocent life. Why bother commissioning IVF if this is the horror to level on an innocent, voiceless child? Where was the non-biological US parent?