Tag Archives: custody

Family Case or IVF Rights Case? Fertility 2.0 or 4.0?

Most people including authorities see this as a “family dispute” case rather than what it is which is it is an IVF rights case. Fact is laws have not caught up with IVF-Human-Rights-Child-Rightstechnology, does that mean adults can break laws and impose cruelty against innocent, voiceless IVF children? As a humanity, is the right answer to shove it under the carpet and victimize more or address the issue? Is it time?

  1. Can an individual be separated from an ideology? If the war on fertility is an ideology, who are its players and how is it being fought?
  2. It is a fact that US laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Then how do infertile (no genetic link possible) Americans legally bring an IVF child born outside the US?
  3. Isn’t technology like IVF there to help infertility? But with archaic laws which are remnants of the 20th century, is it helping or hurting the war on fertility?
  4. IVF and infertility are very emotional and compassionate issues. Neither would exist without these. While archaic laws are also part of our lives and thus are forced to speak up against the anti-IVF laws. The technology exists to help humans fight the war on fertility but the means (laws) are lagging behind.
  5. It is one thing to have archaic laws but what are the implications of this on innocent IVF children and families? Is the lack of laws forcing people to lie, cheat, fraud, break laws? Worse is it placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo inadvertently or deliberately?
  6. If you are infertile and laws do not support you, would you rather stand up for your rights or lie, cheat, fraud, break laws? What will you teach the child you got by doing this?
  7. Is infertility so traumatic that the only way to get a child is to split him from his sister he wanted and alienate him from his loving biological family?
  8. And is infertility so traumatic that only way to get a child is by abandoning his innocent infant sister after having consented to?
  9. And is infertility so traumatic that only way to get a child is by using his sister, also a human being, to be used as leverage in a twisted legal game of fait accompli knowing fully well the anti-IVF laws.
  10. Is there any trauma for two innocent IVF siblings? Is their trauma more or less than the trauma of the adult?
  11. Rather than lie, defame, break laws, fraud, etc. just to gain custody of innocent child, isn’t it better to state the facts and fight for equal fertility rights? Would you rather be Rosa Parks or Edie Windsor or Ariel Castro?
  12. If the US courts can issue a globally enforceable decree, shouldn’t it consider the global facts of the case? Hiding behind lack of laws is cowardice especially when innocent children lives are involved. Just like Brown V. Education, Virginia V. Or Edie V. DOMA, where is the case for anti-IVF laws? Instead of suppressing the facts by officers of the court, isn’t it better to allow the facts and then impart justice in the best interest of the children?
  13. Rather than using fear mongering and stereotypes, isn’t it better to work based on truth and facts? Since 2010, an innocent son has been alienated from his primary care provider, his biological father,  but the authorities are worried in future the same son may be alienated from his non-biological caretaker.
  14. The same child has been alienated from his sister he wanted but the authorities are worried the non-biological caretaker may be alienated.
  15. The same child is an Indian citizen and under UN Declaration on Human Rights to which US is a signatory, it allows every citizen to return to their home country, but the US courts deem it is better suited to violate an innocent, voiceless IVF child’s rights and human rights.
  16. Rather than vilifying a fertile spouse who tried to help a fellow human who happens to be infertile, why not ask the US to change its anti-IVF laws? Or should all fertile spouses be persecuted, threatened, vilified who help infertile Americans? Worse the IVF children should also be punished for crimes they did not commit because their fertile parent dared to help an infertile person where laws itself fall short? Who will protect the rights of an unsuspecting, innocent victim?
  17. Every parent has a breaking point. A parent of a child with physical or mental disability or autism or a gay child or an intersex child or an IVF child. As an immigrant, IVF father and a member of an intersex family, failure and injustice are common to us but cannot have a repeat of that on our innocent IVF children.
  18. As per laws (sadly dating back to English law from 16th century), when a man has an IVF child with help of an egg donor and surrogate (neither women are his wife), the children are “born out of wedlock”. Meaning, helping an infertile woman in a marriage is basically SOL for the father and children. It is not that she does not deserve to be a “mother” or being “infertile is wrong BUT laws make it a CRIME. And if anyone dares to challenge this centuries old archaic laws, they shall be silenced, persecuted and worse, their innocent children shall deserve no justice either just like their innocent father. Is this where our moral compass, human compass, legal compass is in 2014? Or is it time for an update?
  19. What is the best interest of the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings. They want to be together, who is listening?

National Fatherless Day – Absentee Parent or an Abused IVF Family?

I love my son very much. I cannot participate in my son’s life because raising his sister he wanted is equally important. Both my son and daughter are ivf-smileborn through IVF and as an IVF parent, I am married to IVF for life because the anti-IVF laws are hurting innocent IVF children and families like mine and so many more. IVF is dealt with secrecy and lies and so not many people speak up when there are issues with it, that does not mean it did not occur. When one parent is living in exile to raise an IVF child while being forced to be separated from his other IVF child, is he an absentee parent or an abused parent? Is the child fatherless or been alienated? More importantly, the two innocent IVF siblings have never met, is that abuse against the children? The innocent children are in legal limbo, is that abuse against the innocent IVF family? This is the Abu Ghraib of IVF, it has occurred due to anti-IVF laws. Speaking the truth is not being unpatriotic nor inhumane. Asking for basic human rights and child rights for IVF children and families is the right way forward. Showing basic human decency to the most vulnerable is the right answer, abandoning them or alienating them from their biological family is not. IVF is the new black, the new gay, the new orange. When will it be time for IVF rights? My lovely children are not fatherless, he has been made fatherless due to lack of laws and secrecy and lies. I have faith that the US will correct the course and fix its IVF laws, in the meantime, what about people who manipulate the IVF laws for personal advantage that places innocent IVF children at risk and in legal limbo? It makes them FATHERLESS knowingly. 

Its not what you say, but its action that counts. Had I not gone for IVF, there would have been no IVF children. Had there been equal laws for IVF children and families than a person could not have taken advantage of it by lying, suppression of facts to SPLIT innocent siblings. There would have been NO case of fait accompli in a heinous act of the perfect child abduction AND the perfect child abandonment. An individual can choose to become a Rosa Parks or Edie Windsor or Ariel Castro or Ann Pettway, that is ACTION, not words. If you are infertile, join us, because if equal laws existed then innocent IVF siblings would not have been SPLIT.

In the ancient Indian culture, there are several references to women having a child “magically”. But none ever abandoned a child to have another child. But none was successful in splitting siblings. Maiyya Yashoda raised two lovely brothers together and despite not being a biological mother is revered even today with heaps of praises for doing the “right thing”. While Kaikeyi, a biological mother, tried to SPLIT his son from his brother and take over the kingdom in her son’s “best interest”. The son neither took the kingdom he was given nor did he get along with his biological mother. So it is NOT about the “genetic link” as US laws demand to define good parenting, it is about LOVE and CHARACTER and time always supports TRUTH.

Dearly Beloved….

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate IVF. We are gathered here to celebrate the goodness in humanity like the compassionate donors and surrogates and the “village” which helps create IVF children and care for them when IVF parents are not around. Had it not been for the compassion of egg donors and surrogates, I would never have had two lovely IVF children. Regardless of how they are born, they are my children and I love them.

Is there  a difference between a sperm donor Vs. father? Is there a difference between an egg donor and mother? Is there a difference between gestational carrier and mother? Is there a difference between no sperm, no egg, no womb and being a parent because of your love towards the child?

The beauty of the US is we can openly discuss and petition our government for change without the fear or threats of being persecuted. Change may take time like abolishment of slavery, women suffrage, civil rights, gay rights, transgender rights, maybe someday IVF rights.

If a woman who uses her own eggs but due to medical reasons, uses a surrogate, is she a mother? As per US laws, yes. If a man uses his sperm but due to medical reasons, his wife can neither provide eggs or womb, is he a father? As per US laws, NO. As per US laws, the innocent child is deemed “born out of wedlock” and thereby stealing all the rights of the innocent IVF child afforded to “children of marriage”. If a woman becomes a “gestational carrier” but uses donor eggs due to medical reasons, is she a mother? Until January 2014, as per US laws, NO. Is this the US we dream of?

As an IVF father forced into exile to raise a daughter rather than abandon her and in the process losing effective custody of his IVF son is nothing short of Abu Ghraib, perhaps worse since innocent children are involved. It is torture. It is not short of an intersex person having to go through a senseless intersex surgery which the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP since it is torture. Was it wrong to help a fellow infertile human being? If the US courts give a decree which is globally enforceable, shouldn’t they consider the global facts of the case at least in the best interest of innocent children?

If the US courts are so concerned about best interest of the child and justice, then if they can consider a person a parent with no genetic link, why don’t US Courts petition the US Government to change the laws to reflect their social activism instead of splitting innocent siblings? Or if a person is a parent  by virtue of giving consent to an IVF child then given the same logic shouldn’t the person be held accountable and responsible when they abandon an IVF child AFTER consenting to it? Do the benefits of IVF go to the infertile parent but the abandonment and its consequences is the responsibility of the left-behind fertile parent? Let us be very clear, the fertile parent wanted to HELP a fellow human being who happens to be infertile and having his innocent IVF children being used as “property” or rendering them in legal limbo IS NOT part of any deal. Children must have rights including IVF children, including innocent children in Thailand who have been victims of US citizens who have been prosecuted an convicted or same for Afghan child victims or Iraq child victims. Then why is there NO JUSTICE for IVF child victims in India from US citizens who have abandoned the innocent child for selfish motives with no responsibility or accountability? Do innocent IVF children in India who have been abandoned have any rights?

Corollaries Between IVF and Travesty of Justice

There are several current events which bring attention to the travesty of justice and the plight of innocent IVF children who were born ahead of their times. Do we as humanity ivf-travesty-of-justiceincluding the compassionate egg donors, the surrogates, the IVF clinic who all had their compassionate hands in bringing these innocent children into the world simply stand on the side as atrocious crimes are occurring against the innocent IVF children or do we raise our voice and say the truth? Here are some corollaries to the plight of innocent, voiceless IVF children and the travesty of justice. The American Way is to maintain transparency, find a corrective action for the benefit of others and move forward. Shoving the issues of intersex, immigrant, IVF family under the carpet is not a solution.

Travesty of Justice – Need to Move Forward with Truth

1) Its not 1958, its 2014
If men were having babies, we’d have different policies.” – said US President Obama on March 20, 2014
If gay men or single men or intersex men who have babies through IVF with help from compassionate egg donors and surrogates, do they have equal rights as parents? More importantly do their IVF children have equal rights? US President Obama is a LGBTI rights supporter but still does not grasp the fact that US laws are archaic when it comes to lifestyles of LGBTI families. In 2014 and before, men are already having babies through IVF  and are the primary caregivers for their IVF babies, where are the EQUAL rights if not for the parents sake then at least for the sake of innocent, voiceless IVF children, Or do we have to wait till 2058? It is not that Obama would NOT support equal rights for IVF children and families, it is more so that most people are oblivious to the state of affairs relating to IVF and the implicit injustice.
2) Russia, Crimea and the West
‪Russia‬ prevented adoption of a resolution today. But it cannot change the aspirations and destiny of the Ukrainian people. And it cannot deny the truth displayed today that there is overwhelming international opposition to its dangerous actions.” — Ambassador Samantha Power after a ‪UN‬ Security Council Vote on a Resolution on ‪‎Ukraine‬, March 15, 2014
Replace “Russia” with “US Justice System” and “Ukraine” with “IVF Children” and you will get the gist of our case. As an intersex, immigrant, IVF family, we may be ahead of our times but are not wrong. The status quo states only way for an IVF parent to enjoy custody of his IVF son is by abandoning his IVF daughter, the sister that his son wanted and implicitly SPLITTING innocent siblings. It will take time to sink in and when it does, everyone will realize that saving an abandoned child and uniting the innocent children is the only right answer. It is a fact that US laws have separated the innocent siblings, although inadvertently, because the perpetrators and her co-conspirators manipulated the US justice system. Now that the truth is known, now that IVF brother wants to be with his IVF sister, is the US Justice system listening to the victims or is in denial about having been manipulated? It is time to move forward and the simplest answer is in uniting the innocent siblings. Punishing innocent for crimes they did not commit is not justice. Especially punishing innocent, voiceless victims who are children who have been exploited is not the right answer.
3) Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
“The international aviation legal system does not anticipate the complete disappearance of an aircraft,” said Brian Havel, a law professor and director of the International Aviation Law Institute at DePaul University in Chicago. “We just don’t have the tools for that at present.” – March 19, 2014
Similarly, the international legal system does not anticipate dealing with an intersex, immigrant, IVF family in the 2000s. There simply are NO tools for this scenario. So SPLITTING the innocent IVF siblings is the best answer we can offer. By the time the “powers-to-be” figure it all out, the innocent childhoods will have been expired and they will have grown up into adults. All we will have left is a “SORRY” like saying sorry to an exonerated man who has been convicted for a crime he NEVER committed. The irony of course is that while exonerated convicts are mostly freed and proven right based on DNA evidence, the same DNA evidence is NOT utilized in the best interest of innocent children. Instead the GENDER of the male IVF father is used against the innocent children. Abuse a male all you want but can you please leave his innocent children alone? And what about gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers, fathers in a straight relationship but have an infertile spouse, what about the IVF children of such fathers, should they also be similarly persecuted or spared? The only right answer to this complex situation is uniting the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings.
4) Change in treatment of IVF mothers and IVF immigration laws.
In January 2014, US Secretary of State John Kerry released a directive which would allow IVF mothers who only carried their IVF children to term “at par” for immigration purposes. Current US laws require a “genetic link” between US parent and a child born outside the US. As a result, if an IVF mother had used donor eggs but carried the IVF children to term and physically gave birth to the IVF children outside the US, the innocent IVF children would NOT be considered US citizens because the IVF mother had “NO Genetic Link”.
We applaud this move and it is a step in the right direction, especially from the perspective of the innocent IVF children. When will IVF children of IVF fathers get similar EQUAL laws? If an immigrant IVF father has an IVF child outside the US then the IVF child must be born to a “US Citizen mother” OR “US green card mother”. If the IVF father used donor eggs and surrogate in a foreign country then without a “US mother” he cannot get his IVF child to the US even though he has a “genetic link”. Or should IVF be banned for gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers, fathers in a straight relationship but where the woman is infertile?
Why is there discrimination onto the innocent IVF children based on a parent’s biology and gender? When will justice arrive and when will the laws catch up with technology?

Law of the Land for IVF Children and Families

If you do the deeds (love, compassion, humanity, IVF), you will know the needs (equal laws for IVF).

In a recent story, a sperm donor was ordered by a US court to pay child support for a child he had donated his sperm for out of compassion for a lesbiantruth-shake couple. He had no intent to raise the child. Another IVF father in a US court is DENIED effective custody of his IVF son even though he is the biological parent in an intersex marriage where both spouses are genetic males. What gives? And what is the “best interest of the child”? And what message do we send to the children? Should they grow up to be compassionate? Do we lead by example or by laws?

What is evident is that gays, lesbians and intersex people cannot have children by themselves. They will need “compassion” of others because science demands it. As the sperm donor put it  when asked given what he knows today, will he think of donating sperm again, he said , “Probably not”. If this is the way “compassionate” people get treated, how will future lesbians, gays, intersex people have children? What will be the rights of the child? Should we punish innocent IVF children because their infertile parents rushed and broke the laws?

What is also evident is there are no proper laws to reflect the realities of a society and laws for the diversity. How do we address the rights of the IVF children and families? A donor is a compassionate human being who wants to help others have children while taking no responsibility for the child. An IVF parent is a human being who is trying to create a family and wants to take responsibility and accountability for the children. What if an IVF father was the primary care provider for his IVF son in his tender years because of a spouse under severe medical treatment. Now the question is; are only “females” considered to be IVF parents? Is there “I” in infertility when dealing with it during marriage or both spouses get affected due to infertility? Or should the fertile spouse leave an infertile marriage because the laws have not caught up with the “compassionate” nature of humans? You see problem solved, no compassion, no child, no stealing children, no child support. However, the infertile person would remain childless. Isn’t it better to say the truth and be inclusive and have laws instead of secrecy, lies, fraud and breaking the laws?

What if a person gives consent to IVF and treats it like a “drive-thru” with no accountability or responsibility towards the IVF child? What if an adult consents to IVF in a foreign country, a lovely IVF child is conceived, and then changes their mind and abandons the IVF pregnancy never going to pick up the IVF child in a foreign country when born. An adult can do what they want but where is the responsibility and accountability towards the innocent, voiceless IVF child? Did they ask to be born? If its a crime to abandon a natural born child, why is it not a crime to abandon an IVF child? Or do we allow people to place an “order” for an IVF child at a foreign “IVF drive-thru” and abandon the IVF child with NO responsibility or accountability? A child is a child is a child. Every child deserves basic human dignity and respect just like every human has a right to have a child.

The lack of laws for IVF children and families is like placing a staircase in front of a wheelchair bound person. Is it a crime to want to make a family? Is it a crime to be compassionate? What is the bigger message especially to these unwanted IVF children – should humans be compassionate and respect the laws? Or should people be allowed to violate the laws for the sake of having a child due to their infertility even if it means violating rights of a child?

Neither Here, Nor There

Most people may not understand this statement at first, some may claim it as offensive because it does not fit their purpose, and some may get the gist third-culture-kids-IVFthe article is attempting to make. Living a life in adversity and discrimination takes its toll. Surviving and coming out of it and living to tell the truth is a blessing in itself. The primary purpose to share the truth is to help the NEXT in social justice. Secrecy and stigma are the real culprits which creates both ignorance and lack of awareness and the continued lack of laws which victimizes innocents including children. Throughout history of humankind, social justice issues at first are not welcomed with open arms, faced stiff opposition, needless victims, state derived persecution, defamation, false criminal charges, secrecy, lies, conspiracies, etc. only to finally succumb to eventuality of TRUTH. And that’s where the journey of IVF children and families is today in 2014 – ugly truth that no one wants to address. Needless child victims are created held in purgatory of legal limbo and along with them are their IVF parents who may have suffered and struggled for years in silence before being blessed with an IVF child. Is the state of inaction a message to instead abandon IVF children instead of fighting for their basic human rights if not equal rights? The extended purgatory in legal limbo places innocent IVF children and families “neither here, nor there“.

For those who question the legitimacy of an immigrant Eunuch having legal custody of an immigrant IVF child in the US in 2009 – here is a simple question – Could this have been accomplished without abandoning an IVF child – a sibling in India and thus leaving no legal defense or chance to present the facts for the biological IVF parent to get due process? More importantly, can another immigrant Eunuch repeat this based on prevailing laws? The right answer is to pass laws. Even more importantly, has due process and justice been served to the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister? Can we “de-couple” the lack of rights of the immigrant IVF father from the “rights of IVF children”? The abuse suffered by the spouse and the innocent IVF child and the crimes to break the laws went unreported the first time, why should it be unreported again?

For those who question the love of the biological parent – a father of his IVF children can go through the site and understand that it is lack of basic human respect and dignity of his IVF children which is the center here. A parent’s love comes in various ways but to have a parent’s gender used as a tool to discriminate against children is dispeccable. It is one thing to have anti-gay laws, anti-IVF laws, anti-intersex laws but to actually use them to split innocent brother and sister is heinous. Just like being a spouse caregiver of an Eunuch and then again an immigrant IVF parent showed patience and resilience, that is the correct path – a path to become the change one wants to see in this world. Don’t judge before comprehending or listening. We have all they sympathy for Eunuchs, where is the sympathy for Eunuch families – spouses and children? Or are they LESS of a human being…? There is a learning and a teaching opportunity and an opportunity to allow the love of siblings to grow and prosper – which one we take? A parent’s love is endless (who happens to be a father) and it is the love for the children which is why he managed to stay alive – the abuse, the torture, the secrecy, the lies would have killed a person a long time ago.

It is difficult to make sense of what to feel worse about – a decade of secrecy, lies, crimes, abuse, torture OR one’s gender being used to discriminate against innocent children? If the love of a father is somehow less than that of a mother who neither gave birth nor has any biological connection to the child, how does one explain the love of a single father, the love of gay fathers or love of a father who is both caring for a spouse and a child? If you are a parent, you would want the best for your child regardless and that’s what this is about – no more secrecy, no more lies, no more crimes, just the truth.

IVF Children and Family – Neither Here, Nor There

An Indian citizen IVF brother wants to come to India but is disallowed his wish, neither here nor there.

A US citizen IVF father is living in India because his IVF daughter – the sibling his IVF son wanted cannot travel outside India – neither here, nor there.

International Adoption laws allow for subsidiarity where biological siblings are allowed to grow up together, immigration laws require a “biological link” between children and parent, but land of no laws exists for IVF brother and sister forced to grow up separately – neither here, nor there.

“Neither here, nor there” has been used before. In India and several other Asian countries, the “third gender” or legally defined as Eunuch has existed for a long time. Western countries are waking up to the “natural reality” and also passing similar laws recognizing the “third gender” and moving away from “binary gender” legal definitions like Australia, New Zealand, and Germany. It is ironic that western media reports that Germany is the “first country in the world in 2013” to recognize the third gender legally. Are the rest of 4 billion people living outside North America and Europe not part of the “world”? More importantly, it is this ignorance and lack of awareness which creates the “neither here, nor there” syndrome universally for everyone in the world who legally defines them as Eunuch. Being a Eunuch in itself is traumatic but also is accompanied by other real-life situations like infertility. And if laws require a “biological link” for immigration of IVF children, how will Eunuchs ever get legal custody of children? Similarly, the lack of awareness and ignorance about IVF and the real life situations it creates for IVF children and families is placing IVF children in legal limbo (even if inadvertently) in a case of “neither here, nor there“.

Secrecy and Stigma are the biggest culprits for Neither Here, Nor There

For an immigrant, Eunuch, IVF family in 2000s, the lack of laws, lack of human rights, lack of basic human decency and respect is DOUBLED – once as a Eunuch family forced to live in secrecy and lies and second as an IVF family again forced to live in secrecy and lies and ultimately punishing the most innocent of the innocent – the innocent, voiceless IVF children in legal limbo. It is tiring to live “neither here, nor there”. People who are Eunuchs are born this way naturally, others are made this way – living neither here, nor there. Is a spouse of Eunuch having the effects of neither here, nor there? Are children of an Eunuch marriage having the effects of neither here, nor there? The important point here is the need for laws so every human being can have an equal right to live freely. Some are born Eunuchs, some are living the effects of Eunuchs, how?

  • A Eunuch may be living in secrecy and lies with stigma. When a spouse marries an Eunuch, are they also forced to live in secrecy and stigma knowingly or unknowingly? What are the effects of living in secrecy and lies on any human being? The loss of freedom is disrecpectful to any human being regardless of being a Eunuch or not.
  • A Eunuch may need surgery to identify themselves better. What if the surgery is performed during the marriage without proper support or information? It is traumatic for an Eunuch to have to undergo this, what is it like to go through this as a spouse of an Eunuch with no support and in silence? Did the experience occur or should the spouse continue to lie and live in secrecy like Eunuchs have and how will this exactly help anyone?
  • A Eunuch is infertile. A spouse of a Eunuch does not leave the marriage, has children through IVF, continues the lies and secrecy while raising the IVF child, the laws are broken because Eunuchs have lived in secrecy and lies. Infertility is very traumatic, the roller coaster ride experiences are unique to each person going through it, do these experiences affect ONLY the infertile person or does it affect BOTH spouses in an infertile marriage? Should the fertile spouse have left the Eunuch marriage instead?
  • IVF is a great medical technology that affords infertile or dysfertile people with children. Sadly, the laws have not caught up with technology placing some IVF children in legal limbo. Now the innocent, voiceless IVF children of an Eunuch marriage also have to be subjected to the legal limbo of neither here, nor there.

Being a spouse caregiver of Eunuch and an immigrant IVF parent in 2000s is not friendly, nor legal. But it has happened, now what? Do we continue the adversity, punish the innocent IVF siblings of an Eunuch marriage gone bad, continue to live in secrecy and lies or say the truth in hopes of NOT repeating the cycles of secrecy and lies?