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Disarming a Threat – IVF, Immigration, Intersex Issues of 21st Century

Anytime someone threatens you, it needs to be addressed. Ignoring a threat will only lead to worsening circumstances. The response must be balanced, peaceful and Intersex-Genderbread-Person-IVFin our ever increasing litigious world, it must involve others whether authorities, agencies, credible individuals, etc. You need evidence of both the threat AND your response. The primary reason is to FIRST protect yourself. Just like in the instructions in a plane, if the oxygen masks were to be deployed, first place the mask on yourself and then help others including little children. Same principle applies when you face a threat.

We are NOT here to discuss intersex, IVF, infertility. We are here to discuss when there is lack of laws to deal with intersex, IVF, infertility, do these inequities affect both the intersex person and the spouse and innocent IVF children who have also inherited the inequities? And what is the right approach? Splitting innocent IVF siblings is not right in any book whether understood today or understood decades from now. The case is so far ahead that while most of the society doesn’t even recognize intersex but tries to hide, lie and be secretive (only causing more trauma and not leading to new laws).  Are threats the right way to approach the lack of laws situation or is it better to state the truth and ask for equal rights by peacefully petitioning the government? An equitable solution is needed while respecting all including innocent IVF children. Is a person who tries to help an intersex, infertile person also a victim of same lack of laws?

A threat can be someone pointing a gun or knife at you. The idea is to either disarm the gun or knife from them OR get away from the person. Then one has to make a report so that it does NOT occur again and appropriate steps are taken to address the issue.

If someone threatens you with words and verbiage. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken.

If someone threatens you with suicide. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken including medical help.

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. If a person is infertile and laws require a “genetic link” to bring a child born in India to the US, do not succumb to threats of suicide to help a person lie because it will only lead to disastrous consequences. You may also be held complicit to the lies and fraud for helping an infertile person to have a child where laws itself fall short. Is helping infertility (where laws fall short) the same or better or worse than abandoning a child? Lesson learnt is DO NOT help an infertile person to break laws. Shouldn’t the government instead be providing equal rights for infertile people so they don’t feel threatened and NOT to punish innocent victims like the spouse and children who are trying to help infertility? If a fertile person can SHARE a child with an infertile person, can an infertile person SHARE the same child with his siblings and family?

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. An intersex person is subjected to surgery which is now banned because it is so torturous. We are in agreement that the surgery should be banned, there is no proper medical evidence to force this surgery during a marriage under secrecy and lies. And if the “experts” feel they are right, then why did they have to lie on medical records, what are they trying to hide? If you are threatened to ALSO lie and live in secrecy, what are the effects on you? How do you go get professional help like psychological sessions if you are forced to lie to them? If the surgery is very traumatic for the patient, if the surgery is very traumatic for other family members like parents of the intersex child, what are the effects of the same surgery on a spouse and children when the surgery is performed during a marriage? But see you succumbed to the threats and therefore one can’t even get the help they need and neither can the innocent children.

It is a very SAD situation and something no parent wants to teach their children. A person who respects an intersex spouse where laws itself fall short, a person who SHARES a child with an infertile person where laws itself fall short, a person who wants to SAVE his innocent daughter from being abandoned is a compassionate person and respects diversity and thats what he would like to teach his children. Instead he has been taught that be SELFISH, LIE, FRAUD, CHEAT, BREAK LAWS because that’s the only way you get rewarded. Respecting diversity and respecting others is WRONG.

So as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father, who has managed to survive, the advise for children is to be SELFISH to survive in this world, sad but true. Let’s hope I am wrong because if I am right and had followed this advise, my innocent IVF children would not exist today including the compassion of the donors and surrogates.

While bringing a child into this world is a very emotional, bringing an international IVF/Surrogacy child into this world is full of land mines, lack of laws and only exasperated by the facts that in some cases, innocent IVF/Surrogacy children are left without justice. Making a mistake (lack of laws) is one thing but inaction is another and more importantly, denying rights to an innocent child makes things worse. Are abandoned IVF children humans too? And why is no action taken to protect and safeguard their rights?

The technology is new, the laws haven’t caught up with technology but is abandoning a child still a crime? If people resort to new and sophisticated ways of abandoning children, are the laws and authorities equipped to combat and protect the rights of the innocent children? Last I checked, child is still a child and deserves equal protection under the law. Making them into “casualties of the war on fertility” is not the answer. They are NOT the collateral damage, they are innocent and in any war, innocent children are always spared but perhaps the war on fertility is different? We need to have laws on both sides which are inclusive and give equal rights to both fertile and infertile people but innocent children should always come FIRST.

Third Party Reproduction and Its Effects

Third party reproduction is when someone (married, single, straight, gay lesbian, intersex) has a “gestational carrier” (legal term) as a “third party”carrier to deliver a third-party-reproduction-surrogacylovely baby. Commonly this is referred to as surrogacy. What are the effects of using third party reproduction and when sometimes laws fall short? What is the impact on the innocent child? Also, one has to differentiate between “intent” Vs. “state of laws and its effects”. The scenarios below can be any fertile person who wants to help an infertile person, this could have been you. That doesn’t mean infertile people are bad OR infertility is wrong, it just means just like everything else in life, there are a few bad apples and we need laws to both protect and ensure rights of innocent and provide a “check and balance” system so it can serve as a deterrent for a few bad apples to even contemplate something so heinous. How much enough is enough? Rosa Parks stood up against prevailing laws because it was enough. Seeing our innocent children get punished and hurt is enough for an intersex, immigrant, IVF family to speak up.

Legally,  IVF children born through donor and surrogate who are not your spouse are deemed as children “born out of wedlock”. As offensive as it is (insenuates affairs, infidelity, etc) and deserves its own separate discussion, then how does an infertile couple have a child “born in marriage” legally? What are the legal implications on innocent children born this way? What rights do children have when born during a divorce? Are they legally non-existent and invisible? Why double standards in dealing with two IVF/Surrogacy children who are born exactly the same way? One was lied about while other was being truthful. Is the message that lies which happens to break laws should be rewarded? And how does this status quo help change unequal laws? The real threat is the unequal laws and so more unsuspecting, innocent fertile people (men or women) will be targeted and so will their IVF children “born out of wedlock”. Sadly our lives are ruled by laws (equal or unequal) and not ruled by compassion. Its ironic that compassion is lost in some cases because at the very core of surrogacy, its the compassion to help a fellow human being.

1) First, “surrogacy” or “third party reproduction” itself is controversial. You may find people who are strictly opposed to it Vs. those who find it necessary to have a child. Neither came to this decision overnight. What is right or wrong, who is to decide? What is unacceptable today may be acceptable 10-20-30-40 years from now. Regardless of which side of the discussion one finds themselves, rights of all involved including the child and surrogate should be respected and protected by laws. Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to the innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

2) If a woman uses donor egg and donor sperm and using IVF gets pregnant and carries the children to term and gives birth, is she a “surrogate” or a “gestational carrier” or a “mother”? Her every intent was to have children and raise them lovingly. Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

3) If a woman uses donor sperm and surrogate and using her own egg has IVF/Surrogacy children, are the children “siblings” as intended and is she the “primary care provider” by actions and is she the “mother”? Her every intent was to have children and raise them lovingly together. Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

4) If a man uses donor egg and surrogate and using his own sperm has IVF/Surrogacy children, are the children “siblings” as intended and is he the “primary care provider” by actions and is he the “father”? His every intent was to have children and raise them lovingly together.  Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

Rarely are siblings split. Even rarely, IVF siblings are split up. In fact, loving IVF parents go through great lengths to keep IVF siblings united despite the archaic laws. Then why are IVF children of an IVF father being split? Can we spare the innocent children?

Like any other technology, it can be used for good or bad. While a few bad apples may ruin it for all, it is the responsibility of government to provide laws which ensure and protect the rights of all and provide appropriate checks and balance in the system. If Commercial Surrogacy is banned within countries like US (some states), UK, Australia (some states), Canada, France, Germany, etc., one can imagine what havoc it can create when surrogacy is involved internationally especially with some areas operating  either with no laws or laws are being broken, how does one get justice? It is a fact there are NO international laws for IVF/Surrogacy while we do have international laws for child abduction and child adoption in the best interest of the child. So who PROTECTS and ENSURES the rights of an international IVF/Surrogacy child? Or should people who manipulate the inconsistencies at the cost of innocent children denying their rights and surrogates be let off?

Corollaries 

1) While rare, it may occur that a woman is raped and gets pregnant. Instead of making sense of the trauma of being raped, its a very sensitive time for her as she decides what to do with the child? Worse, she may be subjected to “blame the victim” approach during this horrendous time including name calling, false allegations, defamation, etc.

2) Sometimes a woman may have got pregnant with deceit where a male partner promises support for the child to be but only to abandon the child when born and the left-behind parent is left to pick up the pieces. If there was NO consent, there would be NO child.

In both these cases, there are laws to protect the victims and especially the innocent child. Is the same true for innocent children born through international IVF/surrogacy? Child is a child, right?

3) Sometimes, what if a male who is part of an infertile marriage and in order to help infertility, jointly with the infertile spouse consents to have an IVF/Surrogacy child. Using his own sperm and with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate decides to have a child with joint consent alongwith the infertile spouse. Later, the infertile spouse decides to not take custody of the child and abandons them. Its rare for a male to be deceited in pregnancy, but that’s what new technology like IVF/Surrogacy presents in some cases. What are the protections and forms of relief that laws provide? If there was NO consent, there would be NO child.

4) What if both intended parents abandon the child, is the surrogate left in a very sensitive situation as she decides what to do for the child she wasn’t planning to raise? What are the rights of an abandoned surrogate? Who pays her? Who raises the child?

Its rare to get pregnant when raped, its rare to have an abandoned IVF child as a surrogate, question is what do you do when it happens? What are the protections and forms of relief through justice that laws provide?

What if a male partner who used his sperm and had a child with compassion of egg donor and surrogate but did NOT abandon the child, should he (rather his innocent child) be getting help from the laws or should there be a “blame the victim” approach against the left-behind IVF parent during this horrendous time including name calling, false allegations, defamation, etc. Is his fault NOT wanting to abandon the child or is his fault for daring to state the truth and for seeking justice for his innocent children? In the bigger sense, he helped infertility where laws itself fall short, what have others and the laws done to help infertility? It is one thing to want to solve world hunger and another to actually take specific actions to ensure no one sleeps hungry.

For any person, discrimination is hard to digest. We all would like to live in a discrimination-free world but reality is different. For a parent, as an adult, they learn to accept facts on discrimination of various kinds but to have their children be discriminated, its the straw that breaks the camel’s back and one has to speak up. Life is unfair, life is unequal but why should innocent children have to be the ones to learn it, shouldn’t it be something an infertile adult understands meaning shouldn’t they be petitioning for equal fertility rights rather than splitting innocent siblings?

Past, Present, Future for Intersex, Immigrant, IVF Families

Living in the past is unhelpful but we all are a sum aggregate of our experiences which is including the past. Living for today is one thing we can be certain of and gandhi-father day-truthallows us an opportunity to make a difference. Living for tomorrow is helpful to set goals and is needed as we think about future generations, especially our children and grandchildren. Feeling threatened by laws (or lack thereof) is one thing but to take it out on innocent children is another. Respect all including innocent, voiceless children is the right way forward just like respecting innocent intersex children or innocent IVF children “born out of wedlock”. Let us not create a whole new generation of children under secrecy and lies because we have seen the effects of it as evidenced by SPLIT innocent IVF siblings. Lies and secrecy helps no one, perhaps honesty and compassion has a shot? We have a choice – to be in the PAST (continue to live in silence while creating more victims) or live for the FUTURE (to UNITE and petition the respective authorities for change and updation of laws). The choice we make TODAY is our PRESENT– depending on what action we take. We support efforts to help infertility but do they have to come at the cost of rights of others including innocent IVF siblings, can’t we find better ways?

This is the approach taken when dealing with intersex rights and IVF rights. Neither the past nor the present offer equal rights for intersex or IVF families. Maybe the future will? Will it happen automatically or will people have to speak up? If equal rights existed for intersex or IVF families, perhaps innocent children “born out of wedlock” of an intersex, immigrant, IVF family would not be split up as no one would feel threatened by the anti-intersex and anti-IVF laws.

It is one thing to say to a intersex, immigrant, IVF survivor to stop living in the past without taking the time to understand the crux of the issues which is lack of equal rights. And silence the survivor will not achieve goals; petitioning, education, awareness will. We tried the silence and compassion approach and has helped no one – especially the innocent siblings who have been willfully split up.

Am pretty sure even the intersex, immigrant, infertile person who masterminded this situation doesn’t feel comfortable knowing that others like them who are intersexed, immigrant, infertile legally still cannot achieve what they have. And we hope that everyone joins us in the fight to get equal rights for intersex and IVF rights. That is the right answer. Living in silence or under threats is certainly not the right answer as is evidenced by the split innocent siblings being punished for crimes they did not commit. The past, present, and future is how do we reconcile the situation for innocent children? And if we are unable to, what answers do we provide them? That breaking laws is right to get what you want and showing compassion where laws itself fall short is evil?

Protecting women from getting raped is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what can each one of us do to stop this ghastly crime from occurring in the first place? Protecting against racism is also about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility as evidenced by recent protests across US. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what have you done to stand up against racism? Protecting IVF child from an IVFphile is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. IVF exists to help infertility but do innocent, voiceless children deserve rights too? Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach against the IVF parent and his IVF children “born out of wedlock”, the question to ask is what have you done to help infertility?

Heard a story about how one woman was being given the cat calls, harassed, eave teasing and so on. It had happened several times before. But that day, she decided to take action and enough is enough, she turned around and slapped the man.

Should she have done this the first time it happened to her? Did the same man also harass her previously or was it the first time by this specific person but she had been a victim of lewd approaches several times before by others? Now that she has slapped him, will this treacherous activity stop for the lady meaning will she not get teased, not get those looks? Sadly, no. She feels confident as a person to speak up, take a stand, and if no one else will, she did something rather than continuing to suffer in silence. Why did she decide to speak up now? Because enough is enough.

When an immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children “born out of wedlock” are split after years of silent suffering and abuse, its the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Is it the first time an IVF family has been discriminated? Now that an IVF parent has decided to speak up, does it mean equal IVF rights for both fertile and infertile people will become a reality? Does it mean the innocent, voiceless siblings will be UNITED? When is/How much “enough” is enough?

Elephant in the Room – IVF and Proud

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room because if we don’t then its a disservice to the innocent, voiceless IVF children and everything that humanity stands for – ivf_elephant_in_the_roomrespect and compassion. Through acceptance, we move to a solution. Through education and awareness, we move to a solution. Fear-mongering, silence, threats, lies, secrecy, intimidation does NO GOOD – just ask the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings who have been willfully split. One lie leads to a thousand lies. People do not realize the toll it takes emotionally, financially, legally just to have a child which most people take for granted. It is the love for innocent children that keeps one going. We have an unintended double whammy like MH370 and MH 17 – our double whammy is lack of laws for intersex and IVF rights – so the best answer is to lie, break laws and SPLIT innocent, voiceless IVF siblings like taking candy from a baby – what have you proven? Instead let us address the real issues (the elephant in the room) so people can stop lying and stop breaking laws and deny rights of the most vulnerable – innocent children.

No child grows up dreaming to become an IVF parent with no laws like an immigrant, IVF father.

Does an infertile child deserve to dream to have a child when they grow up despite lack of laws? What about the rights of a fertile spouse in an infertile marriage who is equally subjected to same lack of laws?

Does an intersex child deserve to dream to be married and have a family when they grow up despite lack of laws? What about the rights of an intersex spouse in an intersex marriage who is equally subjected to same lack of laws?

Are only those people criminals who kill or abuse people in broad daylight? Or are the real criminals also who are hiding and manipulating the laws and using others for personal benefit while cannibalizing the rights of unsuspecting victims?

Is showing compassion and giving human rights to an infertile, immigrant, intersex person a CRIME where laws itself fall short? Who protect their rights?

Do IVF children born during a divorce have any rights? IVF is all about compassion and the very least is to show compassion to an innocent, voiceless IVF child. There are lot better ways to give a child to an infertile adult rather than breaking laws and splitting innocent siblings.

If a woman uses IVF and has children through her egg, sperm donor and surrogate – are her IVF children siblings? Is the SAME TRUE if a man uses IVF and has children through his sperm, egg donor and surrogate – are his IVF children siblings?

In addition to providing food, home, clothes, education, etc., every parent likes to inculcate certain values in a child to make them a positive contributor in the society such as respect, compassion, honesty, respect for laws. Is it right to show respect and compassion to an intersex person where laws itself fall short? More importantly, if we demonize such individuals, what message are we sending to the innocent children, some who may also be victims of similar secrecy and lies like IVF children? IVF or intersex or infertility is NOT wrong, silencing and lying about it which breaks laws  and cannibalizes rights of others is, or is it?

In the future, intersex marriages will be legal, infertile people will be able to have a child legally without a genetic link, an IVF child and family will have rights, TODAY, this is already occurring for innocent IVF siblings who are split and denied rights under secrecy and lies blatantly violating prevailing laws. Who protects the rights of IVF children and families? Abandoning an innocent child will still remain a CRIME – whether natural or IVF, whether domestic IVF or international IVF – because it is the right thing to do protect the rights of the most vulnerable – innocent, voiceless children.

Being intersex, being infertile, being immigrant is NOT a crime, lying about it which breaks laws is. At an emotional level, lying is no foundation for any relationship including marriage or parenthood.

It is not about whether a genetic male with no ovaries, no uterus, no fallopian tubes (which is true for all men and fathers) is a “mother” or “father”, it is about being a good parent both to your own children and others’.

Being a primary care provider for your child is based on facts and not based on traditional stereotypes and gender. There is nothing stereotypical about an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. Why was an innocent IVF child taken away from his primary care provider without investigating the facts? What is its impact?

The spirit of Hague Convention on International Child Abduction is to serve the best interest of the child and NOT be separated from biological family. What has happened to an innocent IVF child who has been lied to and denied his rights to see his biological family. Has the spirit of the convention been followed?

Performing an intersex surgery is not wrong (or is it as per the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture who called for a STOP to such surgeries) but lying about it on medical records is, especially when these lies directly affect the well-being and abuse the spouse and children of an intersex marriage. If one did “nothing wrong” then why LIE about such surgeries? Criminals lie to hide facts for selfish benefit. More importantly, what atrocities and abuses have been committed against unsuspecting intersex spouse and innocent children? Since as per the “fraud documentation”, the “surgery” never occurred kinda like people denying the “Holocaust” never occurred and therefore there are no victims who deserve justice. Denial and silencing the truth will NEVER stand the test of time.

Calling anyone’s child ” illegitimate” is not just wrong but offensive especially when it has severe implications on an innocent child. It may have been OK to have this language in 1600s but its not OK in 2000s, its time for an update. Just like the British laws used language as “unnatural sex” centuries ago which propogated to its colonies is archaic today, similarly so is language like “child born out of wedlock”, ” illegitimate child” which hurts the rights of an innocent child rather than protect.

If IVF laws can be passed retrospectively to IVF parents, why can’t laws be passed to protect rights of IVF child and be treated equally? Why is abandoning an IVF child not a crime? It is one thing to be slapped the in the face as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father but to have your innocent IVF children be slapped in the face repeatedly is too much to take and its time to speak up against the injustice.

Laws will take time to change or may never change, but that does not mean one cannot petition their democratic government for change? As an internet enthusiast, there is a “product hype curve” which shows a hyperbolic peak to hype when something new comes up and then the enthusiasm gradually tapers off and for some products goes to negligible impact and others an equilibrium in the middle. Historically, social justice and human rights issues also follow a similar pattern where initially oppressed see denial, further oppression, injustice, intimidation, threats, lies, secrecy, fear-mongering, abuse, silencing, etc and eventually are given the rights they deserve. When will equal rights for IVF children and families become a reality?

If an intersex, immigrant, infertile adult deserves compassion, why not little compassion for innocent, voiceless IVF children? As a global citizen, one learns to pick the best of both worlds especially when those worlds happen to be world’s most powerful democracy and other being world’s biggest democracy – both representing equality in diversity. When will equal rights for IVF children and families become a reality?

Petitioning one’s democratic government for change is not “anti-national”, ask slaves of 1800s, Susan Anthony, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, Edie Windsor, and so on. It is part of nation building at the cost of personal sacrifices.

Is abandoning an IVF child with utter disregard and disdain a crime against the humanity of the  innocent child? Is it a crime of moral turpitude? Abandoning a “natural-born” child requires a parent to “physically” abandon a child, if an intended parent who did not giver sperm, egg, or womb, there is no physical connection and they simply give consent but NEVER show up to take responsibility and accountability for placing the “IVF Order”. Is that right? Is that how we want to see our society progress? Or should such acts be reprimanded and sent a strong message that regardless of circumstances, abandoning an IVF child is EQUAL to abandoning any other child and has consequences?

If an intended parent deserves EQUAL rights to their “non-genetic” child, then should they also be held EQUALLY responsible and accountable for a “non-genetic” child they “ordered” but abandoned? It is heinous, it is vicious and silencing the FACTS is not justice especially for the innocent, voiceless child. Treating them as EQUALS like any other child with equal rights is JUSTICE. Child is a CHILD including IVF child – are the laws in sync? We have to talk about the ELEPHANT in the ROOM, don’t we?

Is it Better to Abandon IVF Child or Save IVF Child?

In the recent spate of events in the international IVF industry, there has been a hue and cry about the plight of innocent IVF children who are abandoned. There is the save-ivf-child“baby Gammy” case in Thailand and now the “baby twin” case in India. Previously, there was the “baby X” case in India of Canadian couple with a DNA mismatch and the German case in India with stateless IVF children and the “baby Manji” case in India of a Japanese father with an IVF child born during a divorce. Regardless of laws or no laws, there is a natural law of justice especially when it comes to innocent and voiceless people and furthermore when the innocent and voiceless happen to be children, it is incumbent upon each one of us as a human being to ensure their rights. What are the rights of an IVF child? What is the legal identity of an IVF child? Whether the child is abandoned OR it is a case of DNA mismatch or a case of lack of laws for IVF fathers which are barbarically imposed on the innocent IVF child. Yes it is barbaric from the perspective of the innocent IVF child and the IVF father. Is it a crime to want to have a child through IVF AND help a fellow human being who is infertile? There are IVF fathers who are gay or single, what happens when an IVF father is helping out an infertile spouse with joint consent but the non-genetic spouse decides to abandon the IVF child?

Due to lack of laws and a heavy bias AGAINST IVF fathers and their IVF children, innocent IVF children when born during a divorce are rendered in legal limbo and stateless. What rights do they have? Are they human beings who deserve basic human dignity and respect or are they “commodities” to be horse-traded? There are several wrongs in this world starting with infertility but to pre-meditatively and deliberately abandon an IVF child and render them stateless, what kind of an act is that? What justice does the IVF child deserve? What are the rights of the abandoned IVF child? If we as a humanity can have international laws for child adoption and child abduction, why can’t we have international laws for IVF/surrogacy children in their best interest? Or are we so ruthless as a humanity to bring innocent lives into this world with NO rights? Have we stooped so low as a humanity that 7 billion+ lives on this planet is short so let us procreate through IVF and render the innocent, voiceless in legal limbo and never let them ask for their rights? Everyone knows it is easy to steal candy from a baby – but what have you proven or achieved? Abandoning an IVF child born internationally (and therefore legal jurisdictions are lacking) is easy in 2000s but what are the rights of the child – a human being?

An IVF child is special because they are born with help of donors and/or surrogates and help of IVF doctors meaning more than two human beings are involved like in a natural birth. When someone abandons an IVF child, they are ALSO slapping the compassion of other human beings who are helping a fellow infertile or dysfertile human being.

As an IVF father living in the US, when the “secret” IVF pregnancy was abandoned and an innocent IVF child was born during a divorce in secrecy, there was a choice – to abandon the child ALSO like the other partner OR save the child come what may. As compassionate human beings, we react and “just do the right thing” without having time to explain to others because at that time the lowest common denominator is the innocent, voiceless IVF child. Time for explanation will come later but abandoning an innocent child comes NOW. It can take several years to get basic things for an abandoned IVF child like a legal identity. Recognition as a human being who deserves basic human dignity and respect, recognition as a human being who has equal rights, recognition as a human being to be allowed to grow up with their siblings can come LATER, for now, it is about SAVING the abandoned child.

When innocent IVF children are abandoned willfully, it is an act of IVF terrorism. It is a new crime of the 21st century. Just like innocent infants left at dumpsters or kicking dogs and other pets is a cruelty to the victim, why is abandoning an IVF child willfully NOT a crime? Have the laws caught up with technology? More importantly, do the laws have an answer for the IVF terrorists and the tools to bring them to justice and ensure the rights of innocent IVF children? Is it too much to ask to PROTECT the rights of innocent, voiceless IVF children?

Compassion is Evil, Worse Your Innocent IVF Children will be Punished

Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. – As the Borg said in their quest for intergalactic supremacy and space terrorism in a fictional movie/TV series. IVF-CrueltyCompassion is evil, worse compassion is so heinous that your innocent, voiceless children should be punished for crimes they did not commit.

Much like a black slave in 1800, a woman without suffrage rights in 1900, a gay in 2000s, the plight of an IVF father who is an immigrant and an intersex family is much the same – NO rights. Worse, its the innocent, voiceless IVF children born out of compassion of several are being punished for crimes they did not commit. If making IVF babies is an international industry, where are the laws to regulate it? More importantly, do innocent IVF children and families deserve equal rights and protection?

If there is COMPASSION for an intersex, immigrant, infertile person, why not COMPASSION for innocent IVF children and families?

Slavery was legal in 1800 but wrong, Women could not exercise their rights in 1900 legally but wrong, Gays were forcefully closeted legally but wrong, how are international IVF/surrogacy parents and their IVF children treated in 2014? Are they human beings who deserve basic human decency and respect or are they to be used, abused and discarded? We can continue to pontificate that an immigrant, intersex, IVF family has NO rights to have children through IVF legally in 2000s but the FACT is two lovely IVF children have been born, now what? Do we give them equal rights as children or do we punish them because their parents committed the heinous crime of being compassionate?

Nothing against natural born children, most IVF parents are natural born, but when a child is born through IVF/surrogacy, it includes compassion of not just the two parents but also the donor, surrogate, the IVF clinic, the doctor, the embryologist, and so on. Abandoning an IVF child is a slap on the face of all these people and everyone’s humanity. Compassion is at the central CORE of IVF and to help a fellow human being. Why is it evil? Why is it so heinous that two innocent IVF siblings should be separated for showing compassion? The IVF children are NOT wrong, the laws are WRONG just like the slavery laws of 1800, the anti-women laws of 1900, the anti-gay laws of 2000 and now we have the anti-IVF laws of 2000s and counting.

Resistance is NOT futile. Borg are a fictional character. Here in the real world, we have to deal with real, live, breathing human beings, little IVF children who may be abandoned or forcefully left stateless and in legal limbo. We have to answer questions like why can’t I see my brother in America. Or why can’t I go to Canada to see snow? Or why can’t we go to Africa to see giraffes and zebras? Or why couldn’t I be together with my brother and father when you went to Alaska in the snow? And the one question that drives the nail in the head, through your heart and into the ground is why should we help others? Living in India is a daily learning lesson in people around you who are destitutely poor, children who may not be able to go to school, children who are hungry or may have less toys or no toys than your child. Do you teach your child compassion which is considered EVIL? You would have to meet the abandoned IVF child personally to figure out if she has been raised right and whether compassion is at the centre of her upbringing.

In any war, there is an unwritten rule to spare the women and children. Nowadays, women are also in front line combat meaning in a war they are equal targets. Also, wars are getting to be more non-conventional where terrorists without a state are the main adversaries and we are moving towards a mantra of SPARING the innocent – children first, women and men. Raising an abandoned IVF child meaning she was born with compassion of others but placed willfully in legal limbo by IVF terrorists with NO compassion for her is the choice of a parent to SPARE the innocent children. Is the system able to do the same and spare the innocent IVF siblings and let them be united?

An Indian citizen IVF child in the US is DENIED to come to India to see his IVF sister because Government of India has NOT signed a Hague treaty while the US has laws requiring a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US meaning how can an infertile American bring an IVF child born outside the US legally? These are issues for the respective governments to decide. But spare the innocent IVF siblings. Let compassion be what it is, let it not be depicted as EVIL. What is needed is laws for international IVF/surrogacy in best interest of children and not shoving facts under the carpet and denying DUE PROCESS to innocent.

Just like the black slave of 1800, the woman fighting for her suffrage rights in 1900, gays in 2000, IVF children and families in 2000s and counting deserve equal rights and basic human dignity and respect. Acknowledging the problem comes first and eventually a solution is arrived at – let it not be decades or centuries, let it be before the innocent childhoods of IVF siblings expires. Resistance is NOT futile. Compassion is NOT evil. IVF children born to a father are not “illegitimate” as the language in the laws claim. What is wrong is the archaic laws and people who want to exploit them for personal benefit. Because willfully abandoning an innocent child AND willfully splitting loving siblings can NEVER be right NOR justifiable. Laws will change with time and these acts will be criminal while the “illegitimate” IVF children of today will be “legal” because its the right answer. Compassion will not become evil or illegal, breaking laws will remain illegal.

East Meets West – Intersex, IVF, Immigration

It is important to talk about facts and state the truth with civility, dignity and humility. It would be wrong to stay silent and further to fointersex-IVF-Immigration-east-meets-westrce silence on truth would be both heinous and undemocratic. Ironically, for decades if not generations, silence is how intersex has been dealt with both in the east and west and the biggest lesson learnt as an intersex, IVF, immigrant family in 2000s is secrecy and lying are the real culprits. So with all due respect to all, let us state the truth so that we can salvage innocent childhoods and not live on false foundations because that is no way to deliver justice. In dealing with these complex issues of the 21st century, patience is the foremost thing required and that we have and let truth prevail. For most people, infertility is a “distant” issue, IVF/surrogacy is even more of a “distant” issue, and having innocent IVF siblings SPLIT is more “distant” and having an abandoned IVF child is “very distant”. To them, injustice to innocent IVF children may represent a very small fraction BUT to us, THEY are our WORLD and everything. We deeply care about equal IVF rights as it affects our family deeply or rather lack of IVF rights is hurting our family immensely.

It is 2014 and the west is still to get up to speed with acknowledging presence of the “third gender”. What is more important is to give them equal rights like marriage, having children despite being infertile, so that unsuspecting compassionate law abiding citizens are not frauded and cheated because laws are not in their favor. Worse, innocent IVF children of an intersex family are NOT SPLIT just so that someone can have a child at any cost. Regardless of what side of the debate you are on, at the end of your justification, add two sentences – “…and therefore its OK to abandon innocent IVF child. And therefore its OK to SPLIT innocent IVF brother and sister who he wanted.”  Laws are man-made and NOT perfect, justice is NOT perfect, Life is NOT fair, but why punish innocent IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable for that?

  • Denial or Acceptance – While Asian countries in the East have long acknowledged the existence of the “third gender” and given them a special designation in the society in order to be assimilated. This went on for thousands of years in the east until the west colonialized the east and imposed their “own laws” including discriminatory laws against the “third gender”. The situation today of the “third gender” in countries like India, Pakistan, etc. is a “post-British” situation which is very different than what it was 400-500 years ago when they were in an esteemed position. One has to question, what is better as  a “human being” – DENIAL or ACCEPTANCE? Now the same set of secrecy, lack of laws is being repeated on IVF children and families including crimes and abuse perpetrated.
  • Best of East-West  – The current situation in the East may not be the best for “third gender” when it comes to human rights but at least they can live honestly. There are “third gender” folks in the west who are clamouring for a legal identity which their governments are in denial because of archaic laws from centuries past similar to the laws that British brought with them during colonization. The West is slowly waking up to issues of the “third gender” and accepting the facts. The journey has just begun. Australia and New Zealand recognized the third gender in 2012, then came Germany in 2013 and now there are discussions that UK may be next. Perhaps the US will also wake up to this reality someday. Good news is the West is catching up and taking steps to remedy centuries old wrongs. And what is needed is an amalgamation of both East and West philosophies in dealing with intersex and IVF – both highly taboo subjects but affecting one family deeply and greatly especially innocent siblings.
  • Science and Truth – The West provides a forum to understand and learn topics. There are specialized institutions, professionals, conferences, openness specifically dedicated to dealing with “third gender” issues or known as Disorders of Sexual Development (DSD) or known as intersex (there is controversy among the communities whether the politically correct term is “intersex” or “DSD”). In countries like India, in the local vernacular and a legal term, they are refered to as Eunuchs, again a controversial term depending on who you ask. One has to wonder is it the “terms” which are controversial or the subject itself is controversial since it is taboo to discuss it meaning regardless of what term we come up with, it will be always controversial and if so, how do we honestly and scientifically discuss the issues of an intersex family? For the academicians, lawyers, politicians, activists, etc, their fight maybe of “political correctness”; for victims of lack of laws for intersex and IVF, it is a matter of survival.
  • Statistics – As per NIH, about 1 in 2000 births are born DSD/intersex, which is a generic term. Its important to note that the NIH, a reputable institution also uses both terms which highlights the controversy and confusion. This means its a minority. Most DSD/intersex people are infertile and as per CDC, 1 in 6 couples are infertile. Does this include or exclude intersex/DSD? Does the CDC statistics include LGBTI or are they only looking at heterosexual couples? It is 2014, isn’t it time to update our scientific data gathering to be more reflective of the realities in our society? More importantly, statistics drive change, they drive laws, and if the statistics itself are not reflective (inadvertently or deliberate) of the issues faced  by the population, then how can we expect to get new laws and therefore justice?
  • Medicine – In 2013, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture announced for a STOP to intersex surgeries. This means what the doctors, highly learned academicians, medical professionals had been doing for last 50 years were WRONG! The fraud paperwork to support their lies and wrongs is also wrong, is it a crime? For the reasons why Dr. John Money has been proven wrong today while highly sought after and reputable medical professional during his time, similarly, performing intersex surgeries under secrecy and lies during a marriage with inappropriate resources is WRONG. It is a recipe for disaster to ruin a family and more importantly endangering the welfare of innocent children. Science and wishful thinking don’t go together. Science relies on facts. The medical professionals in their zeal to right “social wrongs” forgot to adhere to facts and science and as a result lost credibility again in dealing with sensitive issues like intersex just like Dr. John Money. Cannibalizing the rights of other humans is no way to give human rights to one human.
  • Change – Today, parents and siblings of intersex/DSD also get treatment and counseling. Given the same logic, why are there NO options for spouses and children of an intersex family especially when the torturous intersex surgery occurred during a marriage? Are the spouses and children of an intersex family supposed to lie, live in silence and suppress their experiences and torture? And how is that exactly different than what was done to intersex people for decades and centuries? It may take a few more decades/centuries for the West and East to understand what happened to spouse and children of an intersex family but silencing them in the meantime is no justice as they are living through an IVF Holocaust.
  • History – Sadly there are people in this world who believe the Holocaust did not occur. There are two issues here. One there is denial of facts and therefore denial of justice to victims and continued victimization and second no lessons learnt and the threat of reoccurrence. Had the world not recognized the Holocaust, perhaps, the story in Bosnia/Serbia, Rwanda, ongoing ISIS may have ended differently with thousands more innocent lives lost. Let us take learning lessons from an intersex, IVF, immigrant family in 2000s so that we can usher change for equal rights for intersex, IVF children and families and caregivers. No one deserves to have their human rights and/or child rights violated. By silencing, we are not going to achieve anything but perhaps by listening to facts and accepting the truth, we may open a door for a better future. What is so wrong about that?

Top 10 Reasons to be unEmotional

10. The justice system does NOT care about emotions. And we as law-abiding citizens have to live with the laws and not with emotions regardless of show-no-emotion-catch-no-feelings-feel-no-pain-ivfhow unfair the laws may seem.

9. The justice system will selectively care about emotions deeming it “best interest of the child” instead of recognizing the facts that sometimes laws fall short and natural justice should take over.

8. If you are emotional, it will take you LONGER than others to think things through…By that time, the opportunity to fight back may expire like the statute of limitations or people may tend to say let “bygones be bygones” without understanding that injustice is injustice – whether delayed or denied.

7. If you are emotional, people may lie, cheat, fraud you including breaking laws and committing crimes and maybe even forcing you to commit crimes.

6. If you harbor a murderer because they are “family” and you get emotional, it is breaking the laws even though you can justify it emotionally. Do not harbor a criminal, the right thing to do for their sake and other innocents in the society is to report them to the authorities for breaking the laws. Worse, do not become a victim of their emotional blackmail and commit crimes too.

5. When one lives in bad company where one partner/friend commits crimes, it rubs off on you and you also start committing crimes and emotions cannot save you from that.

4. Your innocent children can be held hostage and their individual rights are violated including crime against their humanity.

3. When you are emotional, people will try to spin a web from the “real issues” deeming one who is emotional cannot “think” clearly and are clouded. Fine, then let someone “unemotional” deal with the real issues like IVF, intersex, immigration because the issues still exist and someone does need to bring it to attention and provide a solution. What is worse – being emotional and bringing out the truth OR being conniving and brushing the issues under the carpet. What if it happened to you or someone you love (nah, thats emotional again…you see how it works)?

2. Ironically, got too emotional to pen this down.

1. Frankly, NO ONE CARES. The laws, the society, the system – its all lip service  and only you can protect yourself from the emotional trauma of injustice, unfairness, bigotry, hypocrisy. Protect yourself first.

As a survivor, NOT a victim, of IVF, intersex, immigration in the 2000s, there are a lot of lessons to be learnt. The first is DO NOT be EMOTIONAL. What an irony because if one were not emotional then they could have never become a spouse caregiver of intersex OR an IVF parent OR an exiled IVF parent. They could have perhaps earned 6 + figures in salary, have a great, comfortable, luxurious life with everything money can buy AND have a great professional career where their skills are appreciated BUT innocent IVF children would have been abandoned, violated, abused, tortured without a VOICE.

To the naysayers, all we have to say is that emotion is the very fabric of a human being…even animals like dogs, cats have emotions and they show it. Since when did it become OK to NOT be emotional as a human being especially when it comes to dealing with issues like intersex, IVF, immigration – emotions like compassion build such families while lack of laws break up families, innocent siblings.

The IVF Survival Guide – What If..?

The US laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Here is an IVF Survival Guide.IVF-Survival-Guide

1) What If an infertile couple decides to have a child outside the US through IVF, only one of the parents would have the “genetic link” either the sperm or the egg, and that biological parent decides to abandon the IVF child for whatever reason BUT the “non-biological parent” wants the child to raise and love, can they legally get the innocent IVF child to the US?

2) What If there is a DNA mismatch and due to the accident there is “no genetic link” between US parent and child born outside the US, should the intended parent(s) live in exile or abandon the child? Is the love for the child any less due to the accident? Do the laws reflect “intent” or archaic and antiquted laws still playing catch up with technology?

3) What If a gay couple or a lesbian couple decide to have a child but the biological parent decides to abandon the child, can the left-behind (non-genetic) parent legally get the child to the US?

4) What If an infertile person wants to have a child, can they get a child into the US legally with “no genetic link”?

5) Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment which is in the “best interest of the innocent, voiceless IVF children”? Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment where some infertile people go to any length to SPLIT innocent IVF siblings just to that they can have a child? What about the rights of the innocent IVF children? What about the rights of a brother wanting to be with a sister? What about the rights of an innocent child to live WITHOUT legal limbo?

6) Will the justice system acquiesce to TRUTH or persecute and threaten the innocent who petition for change rather than being forced into silence? Will the justice system follow its own laws and prosecute those who victimize innocent, voiceless, vulnerable children?

7) If a rape victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the rape DID NOT OCCUR? If a sexual abuse victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the abuse DID NOT OCCUR?

8) What If a spouse of an intersex person who were both victimized by the medical community through an overt web of secrecy, lies and crimes, does that mean the intersex family was not abused due to medical negligence?

9) What If an IVF parent who attempted IVF due to infertility of an intersex spouse but forced to lie about it due to US laws for immigrants, does that mean the child is NOT IVF? Does that mean the person who is claiming to be the “mother” is ALSO the “genetic mother” including fraud documents?

10) What If an IVF parent is forced in a situation of fait accompli where he is forced to live in exile with his daughter and giving up his son, is it so heinous that the innocent IVF family should be punished and the only JUSTICE is to SPLIT them?

As a victim of intersex, infertility, immigration, invisibility, it is time to MOVE FORWARD and deal with the TRUTH. It has happened. Laws have been broken. Crimes have been committed. But to punish innocent IVF siblings by SPLITTING them is NOT the right answer. No parent would stand for injustice towards their child even if the condition is a minority because for a parent their child is everything. Justice for innocent IVF children, thats the only thing we ask. Justice against people who prey on others, lie, break laws, are criminals is for justice system to decide to establish their own credibility, for us, its about justice for innocent children, is it too much to ask?

As a humanity, one would think “best interest of the child” is paramount, how have we lost track then to impose punishment on innocent IVF children for mistakes of their parents?

What is the State of the Union for IVF children and families?

It’s 2014, is it too early to ask for Equal Treatment Under Law for IVF children and families? What is the State of the Union for IVF children and IVF-state-of-the-unionfamilies? If you do the deeds (IVF), you will know the needs (lack of laws).

By not having these laws, the state of the union for IVF children and families are:

1) If there is a DNA mismatch where the sperm sample accidentally got swapped in the clinic, should there be a legal framework where the intended parent can still take the IVF child like a loving parent and have the opportunity to raise them?

2) If a “genetic link” is required between a US parent and a child born outside the US, how will an infertile or dysfertile person who is middle-class ever get a child legally in the US? Is this how US society defines a “parent” or are the Immigration laws not in sync? Can someone misuse this discrepancy and hurt innocent IVF children?

3) If a person gives consent to IVF child and then later changes their mind, thats their right but should there also be laws to hold the adult accountable and responsible for bringing the innocent IVF child into the world and then abandoning them?

4) If a gay or lesbian couple decide to do surrogacy/IVF and only one of the parents has a”genetic link” and during the ongoing iVF pregnancy, what if the the “genetic parent” decides they don’t want the child and files divorce? If the “non-genetic parent” still wants a child, can they legally get the child to the US? What are the rights of the innocent, voiceless IVF child who is now abandoned? What are the rights of an IVF child who is born during a divorce? Do they have same rights as natural born children of an ongoing divorce?

Are these choices representative of a civilized society which also includes a minority population of infertile or dysfertile parents to be? This discrimination needs to stop and the “legal disability” created for IVF families needs to be removed by simply providing laws which have caught up with technology. The lack of laws for IVF children and families is like placing a staircase in front of a wheelchair bound person.

What happens from a “legal perspective” when there is a DNA mismatch?

Given the local laws like in India, an IVF child born to “foreign parents” in India is not considered an Indian citizen despite being born to an Indian citizen surrogate in India. Depending on the “accidental swap”, the “genetic parent” is most likely also another foreigner meaning this law is still applicable. This means an IVF child is land-locked in India but is NOT an Indian citizen. What are the rights of the innocent IVF child? Are they stuck in IVF purgatory?

Instead of playing blame games, it is better to embrace science, truth and facts. Some of the brightest scientific minds like Einstein and Madam Curie made some of the most popular scientific and technological discoveries and innovations by “accident”. Thats how science works and wherever “human hand” is involved. Humans make mistakes, get over it but to punish innocent IVF children for that is inhumane. Let us UNITE in the best interest of all IVF children and families. The right answer is to have adequate laws to address these issues so that adults are held responsible and accountable without endangering the welfare of innocent children. Thats the humane thing to do. Even after all the finger pointing and blame games have subsided – whether years, decades or whatever – the solution will remain the same – its inevitable.

Most people may have front-row seats or sideline seats to the “IVF story”, become a part of it and then one will realize how painful a tragedy it is to be faced with the option of ABANDONING an IVF child after all the years of struggle, anxiety, stress, sleepless nights, and so on. Drain on financial and legal resources is one thing but the inhumanity against your child as a parent is going to rattle any parent – IVF or not. The right answer for the “front-row” and “sideline” is to offer their support to the minority because thats how democracy works through support of majority on issues which do not affect them directly but are humane to other minorities.

It is upto each one of us whether we are Sandy Hatte or Ann Pettway or Edie Windsor? Dealing with the remnants of my innocent, voiceless IVF children who are split and in legal limbo is an issue that can be solved with education and awareness and not secrecy and lies.