Tag Archives: child rights

Coming To America for Justice for IVF Children

Little over 25 years ago, like many immigrants at the time and millions more before us over the centuries came to America – the promised land of truth, liberty and justiceBornFreeJustice-IVF It was an exciting time, on the fun side, movies like “Coming to America” was released which captured the American spirit of hard work and respect for all. On a more serious note, in 2015, it is again a very exciting time to “Coming to America” as an international IVF/Surrogacy children and family to get justice we deserve. Freedom to roam free and opportunity to be united as intended as a family. It is important to go through the process of justice because only then it can be fully understood the torture, trauma, abuse, injustice, horror of what we went through and this should NEVER occur again. If there is a country, a system not afraid of the truth, then it is America who can give us the basic human dignity and respect as human beings. It is this faith and hope in America where everyone is equal is what gives us the strength and courage to say the truth.

In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. – “A threat to justice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” and “Justice delayed is justice denied“. Our prayers are to let truth prevail and do what’s in the best interest of the innocent children.

On the positive side, if anyone looks at our case honestly and hollistically, more has been done for human rights where laws and governments fall short. If an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent helps by respecting human rights of people where laws and government itself fall short, who protects their rights? Or is it a crime to show compassion? Why is it the burden of innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and parent to give rights to intersex, immigrant, infertile where laws itself fall short? Isn’t that what governments and laws do? We tried and ended up splitting our world apart, it is obvious it is NOT the job of individuals. Are innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and their parents human beings too equally deserving of basic human dignity and respect?

There is no doubt that intersex marriage, immigration, legal third gender, equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families will be legal someday (1,5,10,20,50 years?) which is what we have already been through in secrecy and lies but even then abandoning a child (natural born or IVF/Surrogacy born) will remain a crime. Because that’s the America I know and love. Once a child is born, regardless of their birth type, they are equal and should be deserving of justice. Ironically, good-minded people, government officials, system, etc. say things which are offensive and is a downright discrimination based on birth type but because of the “newness” don’t realize their inadvertent offensive words and/or actions. It simply shows there is a lot more work to do to educate and spread awareness and build tolerance for IVF/Surrogacy children and families. Is building families through IVF/Surrogacy a crime? Or is it so heinous that families should be forced to be split up? Or is that the laws have not caught up with technology?

America is a great land where once the social conscience is awakened, it takes action rather than persecuting the messenger. From slavery to women suffrage to civil rights to gay rights, we have great historical lessons of justice, is it time for equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families? We are coming to America for justice and freedom – something alienated and stolen from innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings. This is a dream of an IVF parent to unite his innocent children but he is also an American and Americans don’t leave one of their own behind and nor do they ever stop fighting for truth and justice. Together we move ahead.

It’s a new dawn, 2015 is a new year. Is the world ready to embrace the ground realities and the lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? The only way forward is ahead and together. We need honesty and inclusiveness in solving complex international IVF/Surrogacy child rights and human rights issues; secrecy, lies, circumventing laws are not healthy nor are they in the best interest of the child.

IVF Legal Limbo and its Effects

Its Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and his words to inspire people to always fight for what’s right cannot ring more true than for innocent IVF children and families in 2015. Is it time to have equal rights for IVF children and families? Imagine coming to the US as an immigrant, you work hard, pay taxes but you love a person who happens to be infertile and is intersex. Love knows no Martin-Luther-King-Do-Whats-Right-IVF-Limboboundaries but LAWS discriminate against IVF, infertile and intersex families, so who wins – LOVE, LAWS, LIES or innocent IVF siblings?  Welcome to an American life of an intersex, immigrant, IVF family – respect and equality and above all sparing innocent children and siblings. It’s not just about the material comforts but its about truth and justice – something an American dream promises?

You live together, you eat together, you sleep together, you may have even expressed your love for each other publicly and pray no hate crimes occur just for being you, but one is constantly living in legal limbo as an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. Movement outside the US is restricted. Freedom is lost. Depending on situation, one has to hide their identity of being in a same-sex marriage because before 2013, its illegal. For most, its a non-issue but for the ones living through it is a constant legal limbo. And why does one have to lie simply for loving someone?

There is another kind of legal limbo. The legal limbo of being born an international IVF/surrogacy child. If you are born on US soil, you are automatically a US citizen but if your parents brought you into this world by using their genetic material and with help of an International donor and/or surrogate, some cases are wrought with legal limbo for the innocent IVF child, whats their fault? For example, if you have a DNA mismatch, where the genetic material, sperm or egg is accidentally mixed in the IVF clinic abroad, the IVF child would have no “genetic link” with the US citizen parent as required by laws and thus as per Immigration laws cannot enter the country and is in legal limbo. Had the same child been born on US shores exactly same way, there would be no issues. Or if a mother uses donor egg and sperm and uses her own womb to give birth to IVF child, since she has no “genetic link” as defined by laws, the innocent IVF child is in legal limbo. Had the same child been born on US shores exactly same way, there would be no issues. There are several such circumstances which can place an innocent IVF child in legal limbo, some accidentally while others deliberately. As an aggrieved victim, your movement is restricted. Your freedom is lost.

Just like every technology, it can be used for good or bad, just like every other crime, it only takes a few bad apples to ruin it for all – more importantly, the necessity for having laws to provide checks and balance.

When someone abandons an international IVF/surrogacy child knowingly and leaving the innocent child in legal limbo, who protects their rights? Do they have any rights?

When an international IVF/surrogacy child is abandoned during a divorce, what are their rights? If same child was born on shore during a divorce, would they have different rights as child of “marriage”? More importantly, has the best interest of the child been maintained?

Infertility has existed since time immemorial. People have tried different ways to help others to solve infertility. Adoption is most common and there are very stringent and well-thought laws for adoption – both domestically and internationally. IVF/Surrogacy is relatively new, more importantly, laws are lacking and haven’t caught up with technology leaving innocent children in legal limbo. What checks and balance are democracies providing for best interest of IVF/international children?

5 or 10 or 20 years from now or whenever international laws are in place for IVF/surrogacy children, helping infertility may not be a crime (like it is today in some cases) but abandoning innocent children will still be a crime. Perhaps due to the laws then, innocent children may not even be in legal limbo but what is being done today to help the affected? Who is protecting rights of innocent children? Who is helping innocent IVF siblings to be united who are deliberately split between two continents? When will justice arrive?

In the here and now, it is painfully obvious that helping infertility where laws itself fall short is wrong but to have injustice inflicted on innocent, voiceless children is something one never imagined even in their worst nightmares. Some of the issues are getting resolved for international IVF children and families. When will an international IVF family of an IVF father and his IVF children get justice?

We need a system of inclusiveness, rights of both fertile and infertile are protected but children must come first. Perhaps if equal rights existed for infertile, they may not feel threatened to abandon a child just to get custody of their sibling because they must have a child at any and all costs. Perhaps if deterrents existed to hold fertile and infertile intended parents equally responsible and accountable for the welfare of a child, a maligned adult may not be able to abandon a child and leave them in legal limbo without any consequences. Most importantly, an innocent, voiceless IVF child best interest would be protected and justice be served.

Disarming a Threat – IVF, Immigration, Intersex Issues of 21st Century

Anytime someone threatens you, it needs to be addressed. Ignoring a threat will only lead to worsening circumstances. The response must be balanced, peaceful and Intersex-Genderbread-Person-IVFin our ever increasing litigious world, it must involve others whether authorities, agencies, credible individuals, etc. You need evidence of both the threat AND your response. The primary reason is to FIRST protect yourself. Just like in the instructions in a plane, if the oxygen masks were to be deployed, first place the mask on yourself and then help others including little children. Same principle applies when you face a threat.

We are NOT here to discuss intersex, IVF, infertility. We are here to discuss when there is lack of laws to deal with intersex, IVF, infertility, do these inequities affect both the intersex person and the spouse and innocent IVF children who have also inherited the inequities? And what is the right approach? Splitting innocent IVF siblings is not right in any book whether understood today or understood decades from now. The case is so far ahead that while most of the society doesn’t even recognize intersex but tries to hide, lie and be secretive (only causing more trauma and not leading to new laws).  Are threats the right way to approach the lack of laws situation or is it better to state the truth and ask for equal rights by peacefully petitioning the government? An equitable solution is needed while respecting all including innocent IVF children. Is a person who tries to help an intersex, infertile person also a victim of same lack of laws?

A threat can be someone pointing a gun or knife at you. The idea is to either disarm the gun or knife from them OR get away from the person. Then one has to make a report so that it does NOT occur again and appropriate steps are taken to address the issue.

If someone threatens you with words and verbiage. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken.

If someone threatens you with suicide. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken including medical help.

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. If a person is infertile and laws require a “genetic link” to bring a child born in India to the US, do not succumb to threats of suicide to help a person lie because it will only lead to disastrous consequences. You may also be held complicit to the lies and fraud for helping an infertile person to have a child where laws itself fall short. Is helping infertility (where laws fall short) the same or better or worse than abandoning a child? Lesson learnt is DO NOT help an infertile person to break laws. Shouldn’t the government instead be providing equal rights for infertile people so they don’t feel threatened and NOT to punish innocent victims like the spouse and children who are trying to help infertility? If a fertile person can SHARE a child with an infertile person, can an infertile person SHARE the same child with his siblings and family?

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. An intersex person is subjected to surgery which is now banned because it is so torturous. We are in agreement that the surgery should be banned, there is no proper medical evidence to force this surgery during a marriage under secrecy and lies. And if the “experts” feel they are right, then why did they have to lie on medical records, what are they trying to hide? If you are threatened to ALSO lie and live in secrecy, what are the effects on you? How do you go get professional help like psychological sessions if you are forced to lie to them? If the surgery is very traumatic for the patient, if the surgery is very traumatic for other family members like parents of the intersex child, what are the effects of the same surgery on a spouse and children when the surgery is performed during a marriage? But see you succumbed to the threats and therefore one can’t even get the help they need and neither can the innocent children.

It is a very SAD situation and something no parent wants to teach their children. A person who respects an intersex spouse where laws itself fall short, a person who SHARES a child with an infertile person where laws itself fall short, a person who wants to SAVE his innocent daughter from being abandoned is a compassionate person and respects diversity and thats what he would like to teach his children. Instead he has been taught that be SELFISH, LIE, FRAUD, CHEAT, BREAK LAWS because that’s the only way you get rewarded. Respecting diversity and respecting others is WRONG.

So as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father, who has managed to survive, the advise for children is to be SELFISH to survive in this world, sad but true. Let’s hope I am wrong because if I am right and had followed this advise, my innocent IVF children would not exist today including the compassion of the donors and surrogates.

While bringing a child into this world is a very emotional, bringing an international IVF/Surrogacy child into this world is full of land mines, lack of laws and only exasperated by the facts that in some cases, innocent IVF/Surrogacy children are left without justice. Making a mistake (lack of laws) is one thing but inaction is another and more importantly, denying rights to an innocent child makes things worse. Are abandoned IVF children humans too? And why is no action taken to protect and safeguard their rights?

The technology is new, the laws haven’t caught up with technology but is abandoning a child still a crime? If people resort to new and sophisticated ways of abandoning children, are the laws and authorities equipped to combat and protect the rights of the innocent children? Last I checked, child is still a child and deserves equal protection under the law. Making them into “casualties of the war on fertility” is not the answer. They are NOT the collateral damage, they are innocent and in any war, innocent children are always spared but perhaps the war on fertility is different? We need to have laws on both sides which are inclusive and give equal rights to both fertile and infertile people but innocent children should always come FIRST.

Past, Present, Future for Intersex, Immigrant, IVF Families

Living in the past is unhelpful but we all are a sum aggregate of our experiences which is including the past. Living for today is one thing we can be certain of and gandhi-father day-truthallows us an opportunity to make a difference. Living for tomorrow is helpful to set goals and is needed as we think about future generations, especially our children and grandchildren. Feeling threatened by laws (or lack thereof) is one thing but to take it out on innocent children is another. Respect all including innocent, voiceless children is the right way forward just like respecting innocent intersex children or innocent IVF children “born out of wedlock”. Let us not create a whole new generation of children under secrecy and lies because we have seen the effects of it as evidenced by SPLIT innocent IVF siblings. Lies and secrecy helps no one, perhaps honesty and compassion has a shot? We have a choice – to be in the PAST (continue to live in silence while creating more victims) or live for the FUTURE (to UNITE and petition the respective authorities for change and updation of laws). The choice we make TODAY is our PRESENT– depending on what action we take. We support efforts to help infertility but do they have to come at the cost of rights of others including innocent IVF siblings, can’t we find better ways?

This is the approach taken when dealing with intersex rights and IVF rights. Neither the past nor the present offer equal rights for intersex or IVF families. Maybe the future will? Will it happen automatically or will people have to speak up? If equal rights existed for intersex or IVF families, perhaps innocent children “born out of wedlock” of an intersex, immigrant, IVF family would not be split up as no one would feel threatened by the anti-intersex and anti-IVF laws.

It is one thing to say to a intersex, immigrant, IVF survivor to stop living in the past without taking the time to understand the crux of the issues which is lack of equal rights. And silence the survivor will not achieve goals; petitioning, education, awareness will. We tried the silence and compassion approach and has helped no one – especially the innocent siblings who have been willfully split up.

Am pretty sure even the intersex, immigrant, infertile person who masterminded this situation doesn’t feel comfortable knowing that others like them who are intersexed, immigrant, infertile legally still cannot achieve what they have. And we hope that everyone joins us in the fight to get equal rights for intersex and IVF rights. That is the right answer. Living in silence or under threats is certainly not the right answer as is evidenced by the split innocent siblings being punished for crimes they did not commit. The past, present, and future is how do we reconcile the situation for innocent children? And if we are unable to, what answers do we provide them? That breaking laws is right to get what you want and showing compassion where laws itself fall short is evil?

Protecting women from getting raped is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what can each one of us do to stop this ghastly crime from occurring in the first place? Protecting against racism is also about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility as evidenced by recent protests across US. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what have you done to stand up against racism? Protecting IVF child from an IVFphile is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. IVF exists to help infertility but do innocent, voiceless children deserve rights too? Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach against the IVF parent and his IVF children “born out of wedlock”, the question to ask is what have you done to help infertility?

Heard a story about how one woman was being given the cat calls, harassed, eave teasing and so on. It had happened several times before. But that day, she decided to take action and enough is enough, she turned around and slapped the man.

Should she have done this the first time it happened to her? Did the same man also harass her previously or was it the first time by this specific person but she had been a victim of lewd approaches several times before by others? Now that she has slapped him, will this treacherous activity stop for the lady meaning will she not get teased, not get those looks? Sadly, no. She feels confident as a person to speak up, take a stand, and if no one else will, she did something rather than continuing to suffer in silence. Why did she decide to speak up now? Because enough is enough.

When an immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children “born out of wedlock” are split after years of silent suffering and abuse, its the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Is it the first time an IVF family has been discriminated? Now that an IVF parent has decided to speak up, does it mean equal IVF rights for both fertile and infertile people will become a reality? Does it mean the innocent, voiceless siblings will be UNITED? When is/How much “enough” is enough?

Why We Need IVF Crisis Centers and What Is Their Impact?

IVF-Crisis-CenterWould the same children have got justice if a husband had abandoned them? Would the cry of a helpless intersex, immigrant, IVF father for his children be heard if crisis centers existed?  There is nothing stereotypical about an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent. What is worse is their children cannot get justice? Is that right? If there are rape crisis centers, why are there no IVF crisis centers? Rape is a terrible crime and for decades if not centuries has been either shoved under the carpet and worse no justice for the survivors who instead are re-victimized using a “blame the victim” approach. We can take some learning lessons on how we have dealt with this? Rape can also include sexual, emotional, financial and social rape. If IVF crisis centers existed, would innocent IVF children  and families get justice they deserve? What is the impact of crisis centers?

  1. Legally, an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent cannot exist without violating some laws. This means when you approach a court for relief, you will first be intimidated, threatened with dire consequences because laws have been violated and are complicit to the crimes, the result is the parent is denied justice and implicitly are the innocent children. Slavery was legal but still wrong, “Jim Crow” laws were legal but Rosa Parks was right for taking a stand against the prevailing laws. What should an intersex, immigrant, IVF father do because cheating, lying, abuse, abandoning an innocent child will always remain a crime regardless of decade or century.
  2. In any war, the innocent and children are spared. Then why aren’t innocent children spared in the war on fertility? With complex international case of IVF severely lacking laws, what if someone with full knowledge of laws (or lack thereof) misuses them for personal benefit while denying rights to innocent children. Who protects them? A crisis center can help separate facts from fiction and help innocent.
  3. If a person is raped, a heinous act, they cannot change that but crisis centers can provide moral, emotional, legal, financial support. They get to meet other survivors of rape. They also get an opportunity to seek justice through proper channels with access to proper tools. Courts, police, evidence, justice system, etc. They also have a support group including medical professionals, lawyers, police, other survivors who encourage them to share the truth and not doubt OR ask them to be hushed and forget the heinous crime ( as was 100 years ago).
  4. Now imagine a repeat of this for an IVF parent. Worse, imagine not getting justice for innocent IVF children? Without a crisis center, all the tools are absent and inaccessible and justice is denied and a survivor is victimized again using a “blame the victim” approach. Is helping an infertile person a crime and will it be so forever?
  5. If a rape survivor is not given proper support, that does not mean the rape did not occur and they still want justice. Without proper tools, they will try to collect evidence, testimony, etc on their own just so that they can file a legal case. A rapist is neither a good person nor void of other crimes meaning when a rape survivor tries to collect evidence on their own, they may be exposed to other bad elements of society including more crimes and possibly risking their life and worse exposing them to be raped again. But the thirst for justice is so high that these risks seem miniscule.
  6. Now imagine an IVF parent trying to seek justice for his IVF children. They are also exposed to criminals who are white collar criminals and more dangerous because they use education as the weapon of choice to lie. How is that justice for abandoned IVF child and an alienated IVF child?
  7. People want to believe we live in an “equal” world. The reality is we would like to live in an “equal” world but are working towards it. This is a fact and acceptance of the problem is the first step towards a solution. If world was equal, intersex marriages would be legal. If world was equal, parents could immigrate with children without a genetic link (highly relevant legal criteria in international IVF). If world was equal, breastfeeding an infant would require one to have milk and not whether you are male or female, mother or father. In IVF or adoption cases, it is not uncommon for the intended parent to breastfeed even though the birth mother is a different individual.
  8. The idea is simple – truth can only help, denying it can only create more victims. And justice often is synchronous with truth as it seeks facts. When truth is denied, justice is denied and the future is not helped because no change occurs as we are still in denial.
  9. As the recent medical report about Adam Lanza revealed that it was the “appeasement approach” including the mother and the so called “experts” which led to his demise and other innocent. The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun“, it can also be false records with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims. When the “experts”/ “system” teaches a person to lie whether through appeasement or directly, it can have disastrous consequences creating innocent victims including children just like for intersex, immigrant, IVF families.
  10. Change is constant and its often encountered with opposition at first leading to secrecy, lies, false allegations, persecution, etc. As it stands today, an intersex, immigrant, IVF person cannot take an IVF child born in India to the US if all laws are followed, does that mean one should lie, cheat, fraud and deny rights of others including innocent children? The right answer is accepting facts, changing laws and moving forward. Denial is not a solution.

Happy Thanksgiving 2014

I am very thankful for having healthy and loving children – two through IVF and one naturally. Sadly, as a loving parent in 2014, one is still forced to pay it forward living 22nd centurydifferentiate between their children based on “birth type” not by choice but because thats how the laws view them. Ideally, a child is a child with no “adjectives”. We are thankful for thriving democracies like India and the US where petitioning the government for change peacefully is not met with intimidation, threats but rather free speech is respected. As an intersex, immigrant, IVF father in 2000s and with no IVF trauma crisis centers, it takes a while to pick up the pieces but one is thankful and hopeful for the world ahead. I am very thankful for the love and support of family who have literally provided a second birth both for me and my abandoned child. Another year, another year of being divided.

I am not anti-intersex or anti-infertility or anti-IVF or anti-immigrants, I just happen to be pro-truth. Just look at the body of work based on actions and not lies that people including the system wants to propagandize. As someone who stood at the edge of the war on intersex rights, at the edge of war on fertility and having amazingly survived one cannot let that voice be silenced. Non-genetic  parents deserve compassion and rights but they also have responsibility and accountability. Unless the laws are there to protect innocent children, this vicious cycle of secrecy, lies, fraud, breaking laws, etc. will continue and create more innocent victims.  One would have to take time and traverse 10 years it took for them to arrive into this wonderful world only to be willfully SPLIT. Rather than celebrating them, one is more engaged in “owning” them, rather than freeing them, one is more engaged in “restricting” them, rather than being THANKFUL for their existence, one is more engaged in “lying and disrespecting” them. There are lot better ways to help infertile people in this world than SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings – people (yes, they are human too with emotions!). For the rest of the world, it may just be “some children”, for us, they are our world.

The fundamental problem is that even in 2014, an intersex, infertile, immigrant cannot have a child legally. So what are they supposed to do? Lie, force others to lie, create fraud documents, split innocent children from their loving family, split siblings, placing innocent children in legal limbo, and on and on and on? The right answer is to stop this cycle of secrecy and lies and have equal rights including innocent IVF children and families. If equal intersex rights and equal fertility rights existed, my innocent children, SIBLINGS, would NOT have been split and uniting them is a lifelong dream and goal like any other parent’s.

Do “infertile” people exist or are the laws ignoring their needs? And if there should be laws for “infertile” people, should there also be laws for “dysfertile” people? More importantly, should laws provide an environment which fosters truth or is the lack of laws promoting an environment of secrecy, lies, fraud, false allegations? More importantly, how are the lies and breaking laws in “best interest of the child”?

The question is NOT whether a child being raised by a non-genetic parent is happy? The question is can he be happier? The question is what are his rights to be allowed to be grow up with a sibling he wanted? The question is what are his rights to grow up with his primary care provider? The question is why is he being DENIED what so many other children take for granted? Is he also a victim of the lack of laws for fertility just like his sibling and his loving biological parent? The answer to this question does not lie with some “expert” or a misguided system which later “apologizes” like they did for the baby scoop era, the answer lies with someone who has gone through it like Ms. Carlina White. The “need to know” is innate to any human, same reason why we innovate and the same reason we seek truth – nothing to do with intersex, or IVF, or immigration. When governments are stubborn with laws, innocent human beings suffer like slavery, women suffrage, civil rights, gay rights, etc. And it takes individuals to be “stubborn” and hold their ground peacefully and petition the government for change. When will we see IVF rights so people don’t have to resort to lying, cheating, frauding, breaking laws? 

A fertile parent has already proven he is willing to SHARE his child with an infertile parent, now the ball is in their court, is an infertile parent willing to SHARE a child? Or will there be more LYING…we tried that and the result is innocent siblings being SPLIT, how will more lying resolve anything?

No one is claiming that life of an intersex, immigrant, infertile person is not traumatic – while others including experts can only give academic answers, a person who has lived the trauma alongside and be there every step of the way and survived knows this. But are there other victims too? Every murderer or rapist is also a son or daughter of someone, is also a brother or sister of someone, is also a spouse of someone. We have people who are “drive-by” experts and miss the devils in the details. They look at the “stereotypical” lens of only a man can be a perpetrator of domestic violence and abuse. Can he and his children also be victims? More importantly, when innocent children are victims of abuse, can they only get justice if the abuse was perpetrated by the “father”?

If there was no abuse on the spouse, then why after 10 years of forced silence and abuse, the survivor feels more closer and relevant to victims of Castro and Fritzl, feels more relevant to the biological parents who were taken away from their children during the baby scoop era, to the rape victims who are encouraged to “hush up” and “forget” instead of speaking up and reporting the crimes? To say to a survivor that they are “equal criminals” because they did not speak up during the phases of the crime is a “blame the victim” approach and like telling a rape survivor that they “enjoyed the rape”. NO ONE enjoys being raped. It’s a crime. It has taken decades if not centuries for women to get the strength and courage to speak up against the horrific crimes against them and for governments to pass laws and protect them. How long will it take for male survivors and their children to get laws and be protected? Step 1 is just allowed to be heard and perhaps in the next generation, we may have hope for laws.

I often hear statements like, “there is no respect for women”, or “there has to be gender equality”, or “equal pay for equal work”. I would like to add one more to this list, “there is NO respect for fertile partners and their children”. Splitting innocent children is a very unique way to show RESPECT.

Lying to a child is the “biggest child abuse” despite what the “experts” say. We should be listening to childhood trauma victims of lying like Ms. Carlina White and not “experts” and “system” who were ill-prepared to care for likes of Mr. Adam Lanza. The right answer is to have a “cross-functional” learning exercise with an open mind. And the point is “experts” are wrong and so is the system and pointing out facts should be taken as constructive criticism to build a better system. The system is NOT PERFECT, if it were there would be NO exonerations. To point this out is NOT disrespect but to show that a slice of the population is underserved and deserves equal rights and protection too. The important question is when a system has been manipulated, what message will the system send to not allow this to be repeated?

I have learnt that truth is maleable and it is not about the “best interest of the child”. If it were, the innocent IVF siblings would be united.

I have learnt that GIVING life is a crime. It’s not a message to raise children with but one should GIVE life with no fraud documents and without breaking laws and should ensure the rights of all lives are protected even if born illegally.

I have learnt that compassion is evil and innocent siblings should be punished for it but that’s not a message to raise children with. Compassion is right but takes time to come to fruition, what is wrong are the laws against IVF children and families and people who break laws for personal benefit.

I have learnt that helping a criminal even if forced under threats is also a crime. Then why are innocent IVF siblings being punished for crimes they did not commit?

If accepting lies and breaking laws for an intersex, immigrant, infertile under the name of “compassion” then where is the compassion for an abandoned IVF child and SPLIT innocent siblings and alienated child?

This story has been said before – government under the guise of “laws” taking away rights of people and unleashing indescribable injustice which would be considered anything but barbaric today. Slavery was legal but still wrong and barbaric, same for women suffrage rights, same for civil rights, same for apartheid, same for imperialism, colonization, same for gay rights, same for baby scoop era, same for transgender rights, and same for IVF rights.

I have no doubt when the facts of the case are evaluated with historical context, splitting innocent IVF siblings and punishing them for crimes they did not commit WILL NEVER be the right answer. Having laws so that their rights are protected ALSO will be the right answer.

Of course, if the siblings were UNITED, I may have held my silence for life like I was forced to during my ten years. It is one thing to take abuse as an individual but to have it extended to your children, any parent would speak up. And saying the truth is not breaking any laws at least not in a democracy we hope.

Wish I were Gay for my IVF Children’s Sake As Dictated by Laws

There are stories about how gay parents are coping in the 21st century – fighting for “maternity” leave as the primary care provider OR to have equal parental rights OR Nazi Intersex IVF Historyallowed to tell the truth to their child OR so many other battles they have to fight just to be allowed to LOVE their child FREELY. Is the same true for an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children? An IVF father who is not gay is on “maternal leave” for 5 years and counting because he did not want to abandon his child.

There is NOT a day that goes by when one does not DREAM of an innocent IVF brother walking through the front door to hug his primary care provider, his father, and his siblings not because the rights of an intersex, immigrant, IVF father matter BUT because an innocent, IVF child has rights too and its his DREAM too. Are innocent IVF siblings, innocent IVF fathers allowed to have DREAMS OR are they reserved only for infertile, immigrants who must have a child at any and all costs including abandoning an innocent child? The issue is not about intersex, infertility, IVF, the issue is do innocent siblings deserve to grow up together and do the voiceless have rights? As the recent story about Mr. Lanza shows that “wishful thinking” is not the answer but dealing with facts and respect for laws is the right answer.  The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun”, it can also be false records, fraud, lies, breaking the laws with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims.

While people are still debating whether being gay is right or wrong, gay parents having and raising children is right or wrong, at least their issues are on the radar and are getting solutions, especially from the legal perspective. An intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children are LOST and written off. An intersex, IVF father may NOT be gay but from a legal perspective is treated as a “GAY man”.  In a gay relationship, who is the “mother”? More importantly, who does the child have an infinite, loving BOND with – the primary care provider or the “mother” or “father”?The child goes to the person whose love they can feel due to the qualitative time they spend together and NOT because the person is “mother” or “father”, “gay” or “straight”, or whatever other “social discrimination”. Wish I were gay then at least the issues we are facing about parental rights, IVF rights, immigrant rights of same-sex folks, dysfertility rights would be discussed in the OPEN rather than SUPPRESSED under the carpet, ironically enough as gay rights have been dealt with for several decades.

The only thing WORSE than denying justice to a person – black or white, gay or straight, man or woman, adult or child, or [insert] whatever other “social discrimination” here is to DISRESPECT their issues which is DENYING rights. Just like some people believe the Holocaust never happened, how can you even discuss with them the horrific and traumatic events that occurred during the Holocaust because as per them “it never happened”?

The reasons why it is important to discuss Abu Ghraib is the same reasons why it is important to discuss an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children. It is not “anti-national”, it is to first give justice to innocent victims and second to learn and ensure it is never repeated. Having two split innocent IVF siblings on two different continents in legal limbo is nothing short of our “Abu Ghraib” because it has been done willfully and is a crime against their humanity even though they may be young and voiceless. It is very traumatic for an intersex person in 2000s but at least they have support if they are honest, what about spouse and children of an intersex marriage who are forced into silence and abused and traumatized? Appeasement even by parents and professionals/experts as the Adam Lanza case shows is NOT the answer, confronting facts and discussing them openly will lead to a better solution for all including innocent children. Lying on medical records which denies rights of others and abuses others is a crime. Ignoring the blatant facts is wrong. Breaking laws is wrong. Intersex people have struggled for decades if not centuries to get recognized and have equal rights, how long will it be before spouse and IVF children of intersex marriage are provided appropriate support?

If the US recovers its citizens who go to foreign countries and may “break the laws” there like trying to do good in North Korea. What help and support does the US provide its citizens who try to help infertile people where laws itself fall short? Who protects their rights and should they be “recovered” and be united as a family?

Separating biological families even under a “legal guise” is not new, ask anyone who knows about the “baby scoop era”. Decades later, there are apologies from the government, “truth and reconciliation” commissions.

The laws have already spoken, an intersex spouse should have reported the crime and NOT shown compassion, the fertile spouse should NOT have accepted the fraud documents from an infertile family and NOT shown compassion, he should have also NOT shown compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person just like he laws dictate. But why are we (and the laws) punishing innocent IVF siblings for crimes they did not commit? Showing compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person is NOT wrong but supporting a LIAR and CRIMINAL is wrong. In fact it is so wrong that one has two innocent IVF siblings SPLIT willfully on two continents in legal limbo and with no justice.

Elephant in the Room – IVF and Proud

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room because if we don’t then its a disservice to the innocent, voiceless IVF children and everything that humanity stands for – ivf_elephant_in_the_roomrespect and compassion. Through acceptance, we move to a solution. Through education and awareness, we move to a solution. Fear-mongering, silence, threats, lies, secrecy, intimidation does NO GOOD – just ask the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings who have been willfully split. One lie leads to a thousand lies. People do not realize the toll it takes emotionally, financially, legally just to have a child which most people take for granted. It is the love for innocent children that keeps one going. We have an unintended double whammy like MH370 and MH 17 – our double whammy is lack of laws for intersex and IVF rights – so the best answer is to lie, break laws and SPLIT innocent, voiceless IVF siblings like taking candy from a baby – what have you proven? Instead let us address the real issues (the elephant in the room) so people can stop lying and stop breaking laws and deny rights of the most vulnerable – innocent children.

No child grows up dreaming to become an IVF parent with no laws like an immigrant, IVF father.

Does an infertile child deserve to dream to have a child when they grow up despite lack of laws? What about the rights of a fertile spouse in an infertile marriage who is equally subjected to same lack of laws?

Does an intersex child deserve to dream to be married and have a family when they grow up despite lack of laws? What about the rights of an intersex spouse in an intersex marriage who is equally subjected to same lack of laws?

Are only those people criminals who kill or abuse people in broad daylight? Or are the real criminals also who are hiding and manipulating the laws and using others for personal benefit while cannibalizing the rights of unsuspecting victims?

Is showing compassion and giving human rights to an infertile, immigrant, intersex person a CRIME where laws itself fall short? Who protect their rights?

Do IVF children born during a divorce have any rights? IVF is all about compassion and the very least is to show compassion to an innocent, voiceless IVF child. There are lot better ways to give a child to an infertile adult rather than breaking laws and splitting innocent siblings.

If a woman uses IVF and has children through her egg, sperm donor and surrogate – are her IVF children siblings? Is the SAME TRUE if a man uses IVF and has children through his sperm, egg donor and surrogate – are his IVF children siblings?

In addition to providing food, home, clothes, education, etc., every parent likes to inculcate certain values in a child to make them a positive contributor in the society such as respect, compassion, honesty, respect for laws. Is it right to show respect and compassion to an intersex person where laws itself fall short? More importantly, if we demonize such individuals, what message are we sending to the innocent children, some who may also be victims of similar secrecy and lies like IVF children? IVF or intersex or infertility is NOT wrong, silencing and lying about it which breaks laws  and cannibalizes rights of others is, or is it?

In the future, intersex marriages will be legal, infertile people will be able to have a child legally without a genetic link, an IVF child and family will have rights, TODAY, this is already occurring for innocent IVF siblings who are split and denied rights under secrecy and lies blatantly violating prevailing laws. Who protects the rights of IVF children and families? Abandoning an innocent child will still remain a CRIME – whether natural or IVF, whether domestic IVF or international IVF – because it is the right thing to do protect the rights of the most vulnerable – innocent, voiceless children.

Being intersex, being infertile, being immigrant is NOT a crime, lying about it which breaks laws is. At an emotional level, lying is no foundation for any relationship including marriage or parenthood.

It is not about whether a genetic male with no ovaries, no uterus, no fallopian tubes (which is true for all men and fathers) is a “mother” or “father”, it is about being a good parent both to your own children and others’.

Being a primary care provider for your child is based on facts and not based on traditional stereotypes and gender. There is nothing stereotypical about an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. Why was an innocent IVF child taken away from his primary care provider without investigating the facts? What is its impact?

The spirit of Hague Convention on International Child Abduction is to serve the best interest of the child and NOT be separated from biological family. What has happened to an innocent IVF child who has been lied to and denied his rights to see his biological family. Has the spirit of the convention been followed?

Performing an intersex surgery is not wrong (or is it as per the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture who called for a STOP to such surgeries) but lying about it on medical records is, especially when these lies directly affect the well-being and abuse the spouse and children of an intersex marriage. If one did “nothing wrong” then why LIE about such surgeries? Criminals lie to hide facts for selfish benefit. More importantly, what atrocities and abuses have been committed against unsuspecting intersex spouse and innocent children? Since as per the “fraud documentation”, the “surgery” never occurred kinda like people denying the “Holocaust” never occurred and therefore there are no victims who deserve justice. Denial and silencing the truth will NEVER stand the test of time.

Calling anyone’s child ” illegitimate” is not just wrong but offensive especially when it has severe implications on an innocent child. It may have been OK to have this language in 1600s but its not OK in 2000s, its time for an update. Just like the British laws used language as “unnatural sex” centuries ago which propogated to its colonies is archaic today, similarly so is language like “child born out of wedlock”, ” illegitimate child” which hurts the rights of an innocent child rather than protect.

If IVF laws can be passed retrospectively to IVF parents, why can’t laws be passed to protect rights of IVF child and be treated equally? Why is abandoning an IVF child not a crime? It is one thing to be slapped the in the face as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father but to have your innocent IVF children be slapped in the face repeatedly is too much to take and its time to speak up against the injustice.

Laws will take time to change or may never change, but that does not mean one cannot petition their democratic government for change? As an internet enthusiast, there is a “product hype curve” which shows a hyperbolic peak to hype when something new comes up and then the enthusiasm gradually tapers off and for some products goes to negligible impact and others an equilibrium in the middle. Historically, social justice and human rights issues also follow a similar pattern where initially oppressed see denial, further oppression, injustice, intimidation, threats, lies, secrecy, fear-mongering, abuse, silencing, etc and eventually are given the rights they deserve. When will equal rights for IVF children and families become a reality?

If an intersex, immigrant, infertile adult deserves compassion, why not little compassion for innocent, voiceless IVF children? As a global citizen, one learns to pick the best of both worlds especially when those worlds happen to be world’s most powerful democracy and other being world’s biggest democracy – both representing equality in diversity. When will equal rights for IVF children and families become a reality?

Petitioning one’s democratic government for change is not “anti-national”, ask slaves of 1800s, Susan Anthony, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, Edie Windsor, and so on. It is part of nation building at the cost of personal sacrifices.

Is abandoning an IVF child with utter disregard and disdain a crime against the humanity of the  innocent child? Is it a crime of moral turpitude? Abandoning a “natural-born” child requires a parent to “physically” abandon a child, if an intended parent who did not giver sperm, egg, or womb, there is no physical connection and they simply give consent but NEVER show up to take responsibility and accountability for placing the “IVF Order”. Is that right? Is that how we want to see our society progress? Or should such acts be reprimanded and sent a strong message that regardless of circumstances, abandoning an IVF child is EQUAL to abandoning any other child and has consequences?

If an intended parent deserves EQUAL rights to their “non-genetic” child, then should they also be held EQUALLY responsible and accountable for a “non-genetic” child they “ordered” but abandoned? It is heinous, it is vicious and silencing the FACTS is not justice especially for the innocent, voiceless child. Treating them as EQUALS like any other child with equal rights is JUSTICE. Child is a CHILD including IVF child – are the laws in sync? We have to talk about the ELEPHANT in the ROOM, don’t we?

Is it Better to Abandon IVF Child or Save IVF Child?

In the recent spate of events in the international IVF industry, there has been a hue and cry about the plight of innocent IVF children who are abandoned. There is the save-ivf-child“baby Gammy” case in Thailand and now the “baby twin” case in India. Previously, there was the “baby X” case in India of Canadian couple with a DNA mismatch and the German case in India with stateless IVF children and the “baby Manji” case in India of a Japanese father with an IVF child born during a divorce. Regardless of laws or no laws, there is a natural law of justice especially when it comes to innocent and voiceless people and furthermore when the innocent and voiceless happen to be children, it is incumbent upon each one of us as a human being to ensure their rights. What are the rights of an IVF child? What is the legal identity of an IVF child? Whether the child is abandoned OR it is a case of DNA mismatch or a case of lack of laws for IVF fathers which are barbarically imposed on the innocent IVF child. Yes it is barbaric from the perspective of the innocent IVF child and the IVF father. Is it a crime to want to have a child through IVF AND help a fellow human being who is infertile? There are IVF fathers who are gay or single, what happens when an IVF father is helping out an infertile spouse with joint consent but the non-genetic spouse decides to abandon the IVF child?

Due to lack of laws and a heavy bias AGAINST IVF fathers and their IVF children, innocent IVF children when born during a divorce are rendered in legal limbo and stateless. What rights do they have? Are they human beings who deserve basic human dignity and respect or are they “commodities” to be horse-traded? There are several wrongs in this world starting with infertility but to pre-meditatively and deliberately abandon an IVF child and render them stateless, what kind of an act is that? What justice does the IVF child deserve? What are the rights of the abandoned IVF child? If we as a humanity can have international laws for child adoption and child abduction, why can’t we have international laws for IVF/surrogacy children in their best interest? Or are we so ruthless as a humanity to bring innocent lives into this world with NO rights? Have we stooped so low as a humanity that 7 billion+ lives on this planet is short so let us procreate through IVF and render the innocent, voiceless in legal limbo and never let them ask for their rights? Everyone knows it is easy to steal candy from a baby – but what have you proven or achieved? Abandoning an IVF child born internationally (and therefore legal jurisdictions are lacking) is easy in 2000s but what are the rights of the child – a human being?

An IVF child is special because they are born with help of donors and/or surrogates and help of IVF doctors meaning more than two human beings are involved like in a natural birth. When someone abandons an IVF child, they are ALSO slapping the compassion of other human beings who are helping a fellow infertile or dysfertile human being.

As an IVF father living in the US, when the “secret” IVF pregnancy was abandoned and an innocent IVF child was born during a divorce in secrecy, there was a choice – to abandon the child ALSO like the other partner OR save the child come what may. As compassionate human beings, we react and “just do the right thing” without having time to explain to others because at that time the lowest common denominator is the innocent, voiceless IVF child. Time for explanation will come later but abandoning an innocent child comes NOW. It can take several years to get basic things for an abandoned IVF child like a legal identity. Recognition as a human being who deserves basic human dignity and respect, recognition as a human being who has equal rights, recognition as a human being to be allowed to grow up with their siblings can come LATER, for now, it is about SAVING the abandoned child.

When innocent IVF children are abandoned willfully, it is an act of IVF terrorism. It is a new crime of the 21st century. Just like innocent infants left at dumpsters or kicking dogs and other pets is a cruelty to the victim, why is abandoning an IVF child willfully NOT a crime? Have the laws caught up with technology? More importantly, do the laws have an answer for the IVF terrorists and the tools to bring them to justice and ensure the rights of innocent IVF children? Is it too much to ask to PROTECT the rights of innocent, voiceless IVF children?

Surviving When Held Against Your Will – Forces in Common

As human beings, we are all social animals – something similar was said long ago by a famous author. What is also true that we gravitate towards people who may not be family, or friends and are complete strangers because what bonds us is an individual experience but for a shared cause. Sadly, sexual assault against women is a daily talk to someone - IVFoccurrence in our world ranging from countries in Asia, Africa to Europe to Americas. Lot of women who thankfully may not have been a victim of sexual assault but whenever they hear a story about it, a thought that may run through their mind, “What if it were me?” This is what bonds them to the stranger who is a victim and some become activists by demanding protection for women and some maybe silent activists. The point is there is support and a bond based on the cause which is right and we identify with people who may have had a similar experience although not together. Whether the experience is a breast cancer survivor or a marathon runner or a single parent or a caregiver. Rightfully so, there should better protection for women and also education and awareness that women are also someone’s mother, sister, wife, daughter so harming them as such is not right. Similarly, what is common for an intersex, immigrant, IVF father in 2000s? When a person survives after being held against their will, they have forces in common.

As left-behind IVF father of an abandoned IVF child, one could also become a criminal and abandon an innocent, voiceless child and leave them to their fate at an orphanage and provide no answers for them either now or when they grow older into an adult. Perhaps the threat to an innocent child while 6 months pregnant in a surrogate’s womb and faced with abandonment is more similar to the feelings of a pregnant woman who is kicked in the stomach and the risk of threat to her child.

As a person who has constantly been silenced under threats and abused, there are other cases which also bring similarity. The Fritzl case in Austria where an innocent woman was kidnapped and held hostage for 24 years against her will. In a very sad case, a father unleashed horrors unto her own daughter and also fathered children with her. The innocent victim was an adult when she was taken away and held against her will. She found the forces to survive and eventually be freed from a monster. On the outside, we can only gauge what it may have been for her but the true horrors of her ordeal will only be known by her and her innocent children, sadly one of whom died while in captivity. She did not consent to having the children with her own father and captor but the fact remains she is raising the children today and not blaming them because children are innocent and the two discussion are separate. She has NOT abandoned the innocent children.

Another case that comes to mind is that of Ohio man, Ariel Castro who kidnapped innocent women and held them against their will including fathering children with them. Unlike the Fritzl case, he was not a family member but a person in the same neighbourhood. Up until the case broke, his children also spoke of him as a good parent. The women survived and so did their innocent children. Sadly, the true horrors of being held against your will can only be known by the women and the innocent children who suffered. They did not give consent to having a child with Mr. Castro but the fact is there is a child who they are raising and have NOT abandoned the innocent child.

In IVF, there are different kinds of cases of the 21st century which most people are just becoming aware of. There are cases of DNA mismatch and there are cases of intended parents abandoning an IVF child after birth. Just like the women who did not want a child with their abuser but fact is they were being held against their will, what if an IVF father is held against his will and forced to have a child because he happens to be fertile and later is stranded with an abandoned IVF baby? Do you also abandon the child? How did the IVF father who was forced into silence deal with the horrors of a decade? Did the love of the children carry him through? Was it the same love which made him NOT abandon his IVF child?

As time passes, we continue to reach out to people who share a common bond, its natural. After being silenced for so long, it takes a while to get your “teeth again” so to speak. And innocent children and their rights are a strong driver. One begins to discover people in similar plight if not due to the exact same reasons. There was a case of Canadian couple who had an issue of DNA mismatch in India. They did NOT abandon the IVF child but instead moved lock, stock and barrel to India – an unknowing place for them and fought for six years before being allowed to take the IVF child with them on humanitarian grounds. Not just did the child win, the parents won but humanity won. In another case, an IVF father discovered after 5 years there was a DNA mismatch with him and his IVF daughter who happens to be autistic. His wife passed away but he has NOT abandoned his daughter, he will raise her with all the love he has. Humanity wins!

For rest of the world, an abandoned child may be one of millions in the world but for a surviving parent, the innocent child IS THE WORLD, no matter how they were born. To those who are struggling, crying, praying to be freed, hang in there, we have been there and there are forces in common which will eventually free you. And never lose your humanity because it is the greatest gift a human can gift to another.

If a mother can dream of having two lovely siblings growing up together, can a father have the same dream? If an infertile person can dream of having a child thanks to technology like IVF and compassion of fellow human beings, can an IVF father dream of seeing his IVF siblings growing up together? If a woman can ask for equal pay for equal work (which she deserves and has every right), can a man dream of having equal parenting rights in the best interest of children? By continuing to use stereotypes and denying equal rights to a father, are they really hurting the father or his innocent children who are siblings who have never met?

People like Fritzl and Castro are not stereotypes and yet they exist and there are laws to protect and give justice to the ones who suffered, where is the protection and laws for innocent IVF children and families?