Tag Archives: child abuse

Respect – Living the Life as A Woman

I am a male. I am not transgender, I am not intersex/DSD, I am not a woman. But having experiences like family caregiving, infertility, primary care provider for children which are “traditionally” associated with women has provided me with a fresh perspective on what it may have been like to live as a woman and undergo abuse for centuries. The worst is that my gender is punishing my innocent children which has forced me to speak up. I have learnt a lot from Susan Anthony’s, Rosa Parks’s and other women in the world and also from likes of Scotsboro boys’. While there is no comparison to what women have gone through for centuries; the injustice, neglect, abuse is what is in common – which is why there is Respect for living as a woman. Sadly, it is a cycle of being used, abused and discarded by others that we find in common. When will we have laws to protect hate crimes against IVF children and families?

1) When I was abused, I stayed silent. The law enforcement tells me that I should have spoken up then and its too late to get justice now. Does that mean the abuse did not occur? When laws were broken forcefully, I stayed silent. The law enforcement tells me that I should have reported the crimes. Does that mean the crimes did not occur? Ironically, plight of some IVF children today is what was done to innocent intersex children which is lies, fraud and manipulation.

2) If there are rape trauma crises centers, if there are sexual abuse trauma crises centers, if there are child abuse trauma crises centers, where are the IVF trauma crises centers? Having crises centers for different issues implies two things – 1) There is acceptance of facts and the need to act to protect the innocent and 2) Qualified professionals trained to act in the best interest of the victim – medical, legal, financial, etc.

In the absence of IVF trauma centers, are we as a society not wanting to accept the facts and that IVF trauma does not exist and it is better to shove the truth under the carpet like the way our society dealt with concealment based approach in treating intersex people or taking away innocent children from their biological mothers during the government approved “baby scoop era”? In the absence of IVF trauma centers, are we as a society failing to provide qualified professionals to victims including innocent IVF children and until justice is received, does it mean the victimization and abuse continues which is blessed by the system due to its inaction and lack of laws?

3) If a woman is pregnant and her spouse abandons the child and the mother-to-be, it is a sinking feeling. Is it like getting kicked in the stomach as a pregnant woman? As a left-behind parent, one moves on for the sake of the child with no child support, loss of dignity and respect for innocent child, possible character humiliations, loss of job, career, separation from family and friends, etc. Same is true for a left-behind IVF parent of an abandoned IVF child, one finds the strength and courage to move on for the sake of the child despite being a male as the society and laws deem “fathers” are “second-class” parents.

If a woman who is abandoned while pregnant, what if the spouse runs away with the older child? This leaves the woman to deal with her pregnancy all alone, provide welfare of the child on her own AND the trauma of losing a child whom she loves. Worse, the older child will not be afforded the love of a sibling he wanted because the parent has split them. In all this, the mother raises the abandoned child through the trauma and hopes someday her children will be UNITED. Is an IVF father of two split siblings allowed to have the same feeling?

If an intended parent abandons an IVF pregnancy after giving consent, who pays the surrogate and what are her rights and whose responsibility it it to raise the IVF child? Is the surrogate also considered a woman whose rights have been violated if left abandoned with an IVF child?

4) For centuries women have been the “traditional family caregiver” and for most part they still are in a majority now. A family caregiver can be in multiple roles – as a parent, child, sibling, etc. However, insenuations have existed like “being a housewife is not a real job”, “stay at home mothers” do not contribute to society, etc. Yet as loving mothers or spouses or daughters or sisters as they are, they continue to spread their love (often in silence) regardless of what laws say or what society thinks while giving up their true potential, ambitions, careers. Same is true as a spouse caregiver of intersex/DSD who is forced into silence.

And when women started asking for their rights be it rape, disenfranchisement, abuse, violence, sexual harassment, etc. initially, it was written off as “being emotional”. That was last century and it may be true even today in several parts of the world. An immigrant, IVF father feels the same way and demand for rights is discarded as “being emotional” while failing to recognize that it is the innocent IVF children who are the ones being punished because of their parent’s gender. Just like Susan Anthony’s of the world, one must continue to fight for the truth regardless of how long it takes.

5) If a woman uses her egg and gets help from a sperm donor and surrogate, she can legally take the child anywhere while if a man uses his sperm and gets help from a egg donor and surrogate, the same is not true. Who is the real victim – the IVF father or the innocent IVF child? Like any parent – mother or father, gay or straight, black or white or Asian, child with Autism or a learning challenge, etc, etc – any parent will speak up when their child is abused, violated and worse used as a “tool”. Every human being has rights, including an innocent IVF child of an IVF father.

6) There is no “I” in infertility or IVF. Dealing with infertility first requires lot of patience and compassion from fellow human beings. “I” cannot do anything. The anxiety, the sleepless nights, the pain, the suffering, the trauma, the loss of child, the failed IVF cycles, the multiple trips to the IVF clinic filled with hope, the thumbing through online forums, the blessing of a IVF child, the joy and celebration of an IVF child, etc etc affects any person dealing with IVF and infertility – it is NOT a woman or man thing, it is a HUMAN thing. Having lived through these experiences which are traditionally associated with women dealing with fertility, it has given a unique perspective on even how innocent IVF children are victimized due to being born to a “man” VS. “woman”. Our society and laws have a long way to catch up.

7) It has taken centuries and lots of abuse, violation of rights, trauma for women to begin to get equal rights in the workplace. When will men get equal rights at home in the family especially in the best interest of innocent children?

8) To the naysayers, I ask a simple question, exactly what more do you want out of a spouse – male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, otherwise?

  • You have a traumatic condition, you deal with it together and become a spouse caregiver,
  • One spouse wants silence at the cost of abuse to the other spouse, you give silence,
  • One spouse wants to lie, fraud and break the laws, you give in to the threats and abuse in silence,
  • One spouse is infertile, you deal with it together using IVF,
  • One spouse is under medical treatment and trauma preventing to be a “primary care provider” for the child, you become a primary care provider for the IVF child in silence,
  • The IVF child both love wants a sibling, both give joint consent to have a second IVF child, one spouse decides to abandon the child while the other is left to pick up the pieces including giving up his son whom he loves AND his son having to give up his primary care provider and a sister he wanted.

Perhaps the spouse is looking for slaves including innocent children with no human rights in 2014? 

Don’t give me love, don’t give me compassion, just give me respect and truth.

If being in a intersex/DSD marriage which the laws do not recognize, if becoming a spouse caregiver of DSD/intersex for a surgery which UN considers torture, if dealing with infertility with respect for the infertile spouse, if raising IVF children due to ongoing medical treatment of the spouse, if dealing with multiple lack of laws for issues like intersex, IVF, immigration in 2014 is too new is RESPECT, then all I ask is to give RESPECT to my innocent children if not me and UNITE them.

Had equal rights for intersex, equal rights for IVF children and families existed, would innocent IVF siblings have been SPLIT? Economic deprivation and loss of financial resources directly threatens the right to get justice in 2014 because no counsel works for free.

IVF Lessons from Glenn Ford Exoneration

In a recent story about an innocent man, Mr. Glenn Ford, being exonerated brings both joy and frustration. The frustration is multiple fold that andna-exoneration-ivf innocent human was continually victimized. The joy is two fold – an innocent victim finally gets the freedom he deserves and second the silver lining that the US court has the strength and courage to admit its mistake and give credibility to an honest justice system based on facts. Mr. Jonathan Fleming also was exonerated for a wrongful conviction after 25 lost years.
“Glenn Ford is living proof of just how flawed our justice system truly is. We are moved that Mr. Ford, an African-American man convicted by an all-white jury, will be able to leave death row a survivor.”
“Vedant was split from his primary care provider, his father AND his sister he wanted because the comradrie involved were clueless about intersex, immigrant, IVF issues and laws. Maulik, a non-white and the father has survived abuse and torture but will Vedant and Medhavi get an opportunity to grow up together as intended or will they be punished for their IVF father’s gender?” If the same two children had been born to an IVF mother, would they have been split, then why the discrimination against the innocent IVF children?
What are the similarities of injustice and lack of due process?
1) While Mr. Ford spent over 30 years in prison for crimes he did not commit, there is no way an immigrant, IVF father can compare their situation other than respect for Mr. Ford. Mr. Ford was on death row while Maulik’s life is saved due to the love and support of family when placed into the most heinous situation.
2) The first comment Mr. Ford made after being freed is “he missed out on his son’s growing up“. Same here…we are missing out on Vedant growing up AND above all, we are missing Vedant on missing out growing up with Medhavi – a sibling he wanted –  we are just the messengers.
3) DNA evidence exonerated Mr. Ford, DNA evidence would also exonerate Vedant and Maulik. US laws require a DNA test for children born outside US, why were these rules not followed and now that it has been brought to the attention of the appropriate authorities, why is their refusal/denial to conduct the DNA tests  as required by US laws? A simple test would offer a chance to not one but TWO innocent childhoods to grow up together as intended.
4) The lawyers for Mr. Ford argued that “his trial was compromised by the unconstitutional suppression of evidence and by inexperienced counsel“. Ditto, same here. The difference is we NEVER got “due process” or a trial in court and implicitly neither did the innocent children get “due process”. All we received was intimidation like the false criminal charges of child abuse and contempt of court. Everything was done underhandedly either deliberately or being inexperienced in dealing with the complexity of an intersex, IVF, immigrant, international case in a Texas court. Regardless, has justice been served to Vedant and Medhavi – the real innocent victims wrongfully convicted to grow up separately? or do we have to wait 30 more years? No shots were fired but two innocent childhoods have been murdered because an infertile person who happens to lie and break laws must have a child. Maulik was the primary care provider for Vedant because the spouse was under medical treatment (something that the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has since called for a STOP), have Vedant’s feelings due to this close bond with his primary care provider (Maulik) been upheld or has the truth been shoved under the carpet? If “due process” was allowed, all the facts would have been submitted to the court. Without “due process”, there is no fair justice – it is single-sided much like it was for Mr. Ford and previously for the “Scottsboro boys”. The difference is the biggest innocent victims here are voiceless children.
5) The silver lining for here is the fact that a US court has the courage to accept its mistake and make it “right” even if after 30 years instead of shoving the truth under the carpet and create more innocent victims.
6) The issues we are dealing with are too new for 2000s. In the future when equal intersex rights exist, equal IVF children and family rights exist, equal immigration rights exist, abandoning children like Medhavi will still remain a crime regardless of “jurisdictions”. For its a crime against the humanity of the innocent IVF child. If innocent children in Thailand or Afghanistan can get justice from a US court for actions committed by US persons without the children ever setting foot on US soil, I am sure Medhavi deserves justice too. It may not be the Texas court we are in or maybe it is but will continue to find that court where Medhavi gets justice because she and other IVF children like her do not deserve this abusive and heinous treatment.
7) The crux of the case is abandoning a child and splitting siblings. If the two children were growing up together, would we have spoken up? If Medhavi were not abandoned and had the divorce been filed AFTER getting Medhavi to the US, could one have got custody of Vedant given the legality of marriage in question both in India and US, no biological link to children, and Maulik would have been a US Citizen by then while the spouse would still be a green card holder obtained via marriage whose validity itself is in question. Would she have been thrown out of the US for immigration fraud? No one will ever know, however, we do have a living breathing human life in Medhavi who deserves basic human dignity and respect and NOT to be used as a tool to secure her brother. Medhavi deserves justice and until her perpetrators and co-conspirators are roaming freely, it is not safe for us.  Medhavi has been used as leverage by an infertile person who happens to lie and her co-conspirators. We are simply picking up the pieces and trying to survive. What possible calamity had come upon the spouse to not come to India when Medhavi was born? Or was it pre-planned? 
8) In another case, a US Citizen IVF mother is NOT residing in the US with her now US Citizen IVF children (after waiting for 4.5 years). Again giving a ray of hope. So it is possible to live freely – the court needs to understand the facts first. If Maulik were a woman and was an IVF mother, would the IVF children – Vedant and Medhavi have been split? You may not want to accept it but this is a clear case of gender discrimination which is actually punishing innocent children. Gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers, IVF parents (mothers and fathers), we stand united.
9) The real issue is not whether Vedant is a US Citizen or not. The real issue is it has been 1635 days and counting since the siblings were deliberately and pre-meditatively SPLIT. As an immigrant, IVF father in 2000s, we are doing something about it and upholding Vedant’s wishes and rights. What has the other party done about uniting the brother and sister – if not for her sake then for sake of Vedant whom she claims to love dearly? What has the US government done in upholding Vedant’s rights if they claim he is a US Citizen? The US government does have a “humanitarian parole” at its disposal to make “exceptions”, why has the US Government not exercised humanitarian parole in the case of Medhavi? I cannot think of a better case to utilize the humanitarian issue. The Texas Court is part of the “US Government”. There is a shared responsibility here and we have to put the children’s best interest first…have other parties done that?
10) Maybe as IVF parents and children it is about time to question the system in a civilized, dignified and humble way? We need an option that preserves our basic human dignity and respect instead of further victimizing us. Suppose that one has been drinking the Kool-Aid too long, we know we did. The US is the “go-to” country when it comes to upholding human rights but in our rarest of the rare cases, it falls short. It is the ability of the US to accept the truth and move forward with leadership while setting an example for others, this is the slice where we lay hope for innocent IVF children and families. An IVF father has to be more patient than an IVF mother, a fellow IVF mother was patient for 4.5 years, Maulik has been patient for 4.6 years and counting, lets see how many more? They certainly cannot hold Vedant captive beyond his 18 years of age and truth will be known – perhaps there may even be new and equal laws by then which would prevent such heinous situations from occurring proving that we are on the right path and on the right side of history. Maulik always has been about upholding human rights – first with an intersex spouse and lack of rights both in India and the US and now IVF children and families.
All we ask is justice for innocent, voiceless IVF children. It may hurt the ego but it is about doing the right thing for the innocent children, it is not about us adults.

Progressive Vs. Stereotype

There is nothing status quo about this case, so why start “status quo” now? In an international case of immigrant, IVF children and dysfunctional intersex family, what side would you be on? Not just today, but in the next 5-10-Move-Forward-IVF50-100 years when there will be equal laws for both intersex and IVF children  and families. One can use anti-gay laws, anti-IVF laws, anti-immigration laws in 2009 to deny the rights of an IVF child, but they cannot continue the discrimination forever. In 2013, gay rights and intersex rights have made great strides, we hope to soon see IVF rights and immigration rights that does NOT split families. Then will someone be able to abandon an immigrant IVF child to steal another IVF child? The lack of laws for IVF children and families is like placing a “staircase” in front of a wheelchair bound person. We need a ramp – laws for IVF children and families to stop this ongoing discrimination.

This case is anything but stereotypical. It is about being progressive. It is a proud moment to be a young, spouse caregiver because it shows the love and a homage to the parents who raised their child right. It is a proud moment to be a IVF parent because it shows the love of a parent irrespective of biology, gender or sexual orientation and should not be forced to lie and live in secret about IVF. We need to continue to move forward and NOT be held back with stereotypes, secrecy and lies for selfish and criminal benefit. Was it wrong to help a fellow human being who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant? In the process one gets exposed to the secrecy, lies and the inhumane treatment meted out on intersex families and their children who may be IVF. There is nothing stereotypical in dealing with complex issues like intersex, immigration, IVF, invisibility in 2000s. It is rather a proud moment to celebrate having survived and being alive to tell about it. Thanks to the love and support of the family. Thats a message we would like to teach our children and pay it forward and not a message of secrecy and lies.

Truth Vs Lies

Unite Vs Divide

Love Vs Vengeance

Caregiver Vs Patient

Patience Vs Selfish

Humanity Vs Crimes

Crime Against Human

We all have skeletons in our closet but are any of those skeletons of an infant or a child? If one has the guts, they should first defend and bestow the rights of an innocent child and then thump their chest about love for a child. Of course it would require them to be honest and follow the prevailing laws. It would require them to be honest with themselves and the children and then others including the court.

It is one thing for an officer of the court to lie, malign, conspire on behalf of their client but when the victim includes an innocent, voiceless infant, what is the SCORE? What is there to be happy about that you beat a voiceless infant and denied them their legal rights and dehumanizing them by making them “legally invisible“?

Is that child abuse? Is that a crime against the infant – a human being? Is that crime against a human?

It is very traumatic to undergo an intersex surgery AND without parents as caregivers AND having an infant to raise while stabilizing from the ongoing medical treatment. We can feel sympathy but it would be incorrect to DENY the abuse that occurred to an innocent IVF child while stabilizing and under medical treatment.

Never again will an IVF child be denied their rights. An IVF child will have rights to basic human dignity and respect if not equal. Hope is that by 2013 or 2020 or 2030 or 2040 or 2050, abandoning IVF children will be a crime and the abandoning parent will be held accountable and responsible. Anyone who aids and abets in this crime will also be held equally responsible for suppressing facts from the court who can decide the best interest of the child. Because that’s what it is about – best interest of the child and not about lying, selfish, criminal adult who breaks laws. If a parent of an intersex child seeks compassion and sympathy, why would it be an insult for an IVF parent to seek compassion and sympathy for his IVF children? If parents of an intersex child chose to lie and fraud (maybe even due to the advise of “experts” like health professionals), why should an IVF parent LIE and live in secrecy and repeat the same mistakes? More importantly, what good will the lying and fraud do? – more crimes?

The stereotype is a male is unemotional, uncaring, unloving, untrustworthy, unparentworthy, not affected by infertility roller coaster ride, but thats what it is – stereotypes and are not true. The question to ask is when 83% of males leave their spouse when the spouse is diagnosed with a traumatic condition, the question to ask is in an ever-changing stereotypical world, when a male is a primary care provider for their children, the question to ask is while statistically 1 in 6 couples are infertile, ALL gays, lesbians, intersex couples are dysfertile or infertile. If these stereotypes are true in this case, how can a MALE become a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND an immigrant IVF father and be WITHOUT emotions, love, care, and trust?

If there is compassion for intersex, why not compassion for IVF child?

There is a strong link between intersex and IVF and how it is dealt with – lack of laws, secrecy, lies, forcing people to break laws. As a society we need to learn from our mistakes instead of repeating them in the best interest of children. Most people may not have heard about intersex or IVF repeating mistakes or learning(in vitro fertilization) or may not be affected by it – both are minorities. As per NIH data, about 1 in 2000 births are intersex while 1 in 20000 births are born with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) – a subset of intersex. As per CDC data, about 1% of births in the US are through IVF while in a recent report, we as a world crossed the 5 million mark of having produced IVF children since its inception in 1978. Clearly, both are minorities and what is the link between the two? Secrecy and lies are never an answer to any issue. If there is increasing social conscience for intersex, should there be increasing social conscience for innocent, voiceless IVF children and families?

For us the reason for speaking up is a little IVF daughter who needs the compassion on humanitarian grounds. For us the reason to speak up is a little IVF son, her brother who needs the compassion on humanitarian grounds. Lending that to a greater good for equal rights for IVF children and families and equal rights for intersex families, even better.

  • Intersex children who are born CAIS are born with male testes – this is natural. Due to stigma and secrecy, the medical community has dealt with sensitive issues with lies and breaking the laws. If compassion is shown to intersex children, why can’t we show compassion to IVF children?
  • Intersex children were and still are being discriminated, should we repeat the discrimination now against innocent IVF children?
  • If Immigration laws require a parent to have a “biological link” with a child born outside the US, then how can an infertile intersex person bring an IVF child born outside the US without breaking the laws? And if we are going to look the other way and show compassion to an intersex person instead of changing the laws then why can’t we show compassion to IVF children also? What if there is a DNA mismatch due to an accident at the IVF clinic, should we punish the innocent IVF child by making them stateless or help them get out of legal limbo?
  • Parents of intersex are either taught to lie to their child and others by the medical community or they learn to lie due to secrecy and stigma. Should parents of IVF children also lie and how will this help the IVF child?
  • Intersex children who grow up as adults feel betrayed due to the lies and secrecy and are demanding for a change. Recently, a first of its kind legal case was filed in the US for such controversial unnecessary intersex surgery. What should IVF children do who have been lied to and what will they do when they grow up into adults?
  • There are medical professionals who do exist who have created fraudulent medical records with very bad consequences on innocent victims later. repeating criesBut at least there is a legal recourse as legal cases are now being filed. Similarly, IVFphiles also exist who place innocent IVF children in legal limbo or make them stateless, how do we ensure and protect the rights of an IVF child or are they dispensable human beings at the cost of infertile affluent adults?
  • The medical community claims that if the male testes are not surgically removed, there is a risk of testicular cancer. What is the risk profile? Is it 5-10% risk? There are now studies available which claim that IVF children are a third more likely to develop cancer, 65% chance of leukemia. Should we continue to lie or help the IVF children by allowing access to the biological family in their own best interest?
  • This widely “accepted” intersex surgery for decades has been called to a STOP by the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture in 2013 and thus showing that secrecy and lies are a failed approach. Should we subject similar “torture” on innocent IVF children in the name of secrecy and lies for next few decades and what good outcome will come out of that? How many more victims will the lies create and should we repeat our mistakes as a society or should we teach the future to accept the truth and empower them?
  • In some countries intersex are given a legal recognition by respecting the truth which is “third gender”. Western countries are coming around and also recognizing the “third gender” which allows people the freedom to live in truth and respect instead of secrecy and stigma. If third gender exists, there will also be equal laws for the third gender to marry legally so that unsuspecting spouses don’t have to victimized and frauded into a marriage. There are intersex people who feel male or female or neither or both (as in third gender). Regardless what is important to recognize is allowing a person the freedom to feel what they want including spouses of intersex – a hybrid model of east and the west, truth with compassion.
  • Immigration rights for same-sex marriages did not exist in the US pre-2013 (DOMA). What if an intersex person committed immigration fraud and got into the US while thousands of other same-sex couples waited years if not decades for their equal rights? If we can show compassion to an intersex person for immigration despite laws having been broken, why not show compassion to an innocent IVF girl child for immigration?
  • A person with CAIS is a genetic male and sadly is infertile. When an IVF child is born, should a genetic male be allowed to “breastfeed” an IVF child when there is no milk? And if thats OK, then why can’t the biological father also take the same hormones and try to lactate and breastfeed the IVF child? It is sad enough that the IVF child has been taken away from the surrogate without any breast milk and then to subject him to abuse and starving him due to lack of milk in the breasts of genetic male. There are adoptive mothers or non-surrogates who have successfully breastfed adopted or IVF children with hormones. Two big differences – one is they are female and the second is presence of milk. Wishful thinking is great but not at the cost of secrecy and lies about abuse of an innocent IVF infant. How many mothers come home with infants from hospital and ask the fathers to breastfeed? Try to get in the shoes of an IVF father. If this is not child abuse, what is? What is the “greater good” in robbing candy from a child?

The lessons to be learnt are from Tony Briffa and Edie Windsor who accept the facts and respect the laws. They are educating and
spreading awareness for the greater good. Secrecy, lies, breaking the laws is a dead-end and does no good to anyone – the truth may help just one if not all and if done right at the very least truth may not hurt anyone.