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Helping is a SIN, Being Compassionate is a Crime for your IVF Children

In 2014, it is still a crime for a father to have IVF children with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate. It is such a heinous crime that his IVF father-sin-ivf-children-crime-compassion-helpchildren must be punished by splitting them. It is such an atrocious crime for a parent to have children that the only way to resolve it is by splitting the IVF siblings and splitting an innocent child from his primary care provider. It is such a barbaric crime that the innocent, voiceless IVF children deserve to be in IVF purgatory with denial of their rights as a human being as they are “legally invisible”. It is such an heinous crime to be compassionate and helpful towards fertility that a fertile parent must choose between two IVF children on two different continents! The Nazi lifestyle from Sophie’s Choice is a stark reminder of the barbaric choices a parent is forced to make among their children whom they love equally. Secrecy and stigma are the real culprits. In honest cultures, the genetic father gets sole custody of both IVF siblings provided there is no fraud, conspiracy, lies or breaking laws.For those who want to pontificate about how “offensive” it is to talk about someone’s infertility need to first deal with infertility in a marriage without the “I”, what is offensive is to “commodify” innocent IVF children and deny them basic human rights, dignity and respect of a human being. Regardless of who you are, as a parent, it behooves you to speak up when your child does not get the basic human dignity and respect they deserve. That is not offensive, that is stating facts. And if you do not like the truth, maybe you shouldn’t have committed such horrible crimes. The US laws require a “genetic link” between a parent and a child born outside the US, then how will infertile parents get a child legally? Is helping an infertile person a SIN? Is it so terrible that their child should be taken away from them? Is it so terrible that their child should be split from his siblings? Is it so terrible that an innocent child has to be abandoned in order to get her brother as a trophy of an infertile person? Do children have rights? Are children human beings? Or are IVF children “manufactured” people purely for the whims of people? What’s next, human cloning and skip IVF? If you are infertile, you do IVF for a child and if you need a heart or a kidney or a liver, you do human cloning, right? In plane flights, passengers with small children are given preference in seating, but no similar compassion for IVF children who are in legal limbo? When crossing the street with children, traffic stops to let the children cross but no similar treatment for IVF children in legal limbo? When children are abused within the four walls of a home, it is a crime but no similar treatment for abusing and silencing IVF children?

The issue here is stereotypes and bias being used against innocent children. The issue here is lack of laws for IVF children and families has been maliciously used against the children. The issue here is it is one thing to silence and abuse an adult but when you abuse someone’s child(ren), then the parent speaks up against the atrocities and crimes regardless of whether one is immigrant, IVF, intersex, infertile, straight, gay, lesbian, white, black, Asian, whatever. Don’t mess with Texas, don’t mess with children of a loving parent. Where is the justice for an abandoned child? Where is the justice for a brother wanting a sibling? Where is the justice for a sister wanting to meet her big brother? Where is the basic human dignity and respect that every child deserves? No more discrimination based on birth type.

As a member of an immigrant, intersex, infertile family, we had children through IVF – probably a dream come true for most intersex people. What has the government done to pass laws to make all this legal so that ALL intersex, infertile, immigrants can also ENJOY the same? Is splitting innocent IVF siblings the ONLY way to achieve this? Where is the legislative help when we need it if not in the adults best interest than at least in the best interest of the children?  Don’t try to give human rights within the confines of your private home; do it publicly. Because when laws cannot guarantee basic human rights to an immigrant, intersex, IVF family, the same lack of laws can be used against your humanity to be helpful, compassionate and understanding. The very ideals that you stand for can be turned around against you. If the US justice system believes that infertile parents deserve children then why aren’t their laws in sync in the best interest of the child? That way infertile people do not have the need to break the laws and manipulate the justice system for personal, selfish ulterior motives which places innocent children at risk and in legal limbo. That way when well-intentioned parents of IVF children born outside the US have an unforeseen “DNA mismatch”, they can still bring their child to the US and raise them lovingly rather than breaking laws or living in exile. Or should we punish the innocent, voiceless IVF children for crimes they did not commit by sticking them in an orphanage? That would be “commodifying”. It is already happening, question is when will we wake up?

In an intersex marriage, only one spouse is fertile. If they do IVF then they use an egg donor and a surrogate using the husband’s sperm. Legally, the child born out of this arrangement is termed “child born out of wedlock”. Why? There is a term in the English dictionary and it is OFFENSIVE. Why is this offensive language denigrating all IVF children still on the law books in 2014? Does this mean all intersex, infertile couples children are “child born out of wedlock”? Are there legal ramifications, stigma, secrecy on the innocent IVF child? Its a vicious circle – due to secrecy and stigma, there is not enough education and awareness and therefore it is not a political issue and therefore there is no need to change the offensive and unequal prevailing laws for IVF children and families. It is 2014 and it is time to speak up looking ahead at the 21st century. It is time to have equal rights for IVF children and families. It is time to have a dream when the love and character of a parent will count more than the biology and gender of a parent both in family courts and immigration courts so that the justice system is NOT MANIPULATED. Results count and the current result is a brother separated from a sister he wanted, a girl child who was abandoned, aging grandparents who cannot see their first grandson, a grandson who cannot see his aging grandparents, a father who was abused and silenced for showing love, compassion and help, two innocent children who are subjected to the same REPEAT strategy of silence, secrecy, lies and abuse. No More. The IVF children are humans too and deserve EQUAL human rights, not secrecy and lies. We tried the approach of secrecy and lies and it is horrendous, traumatic and heinous.

Is it a crime to be compassionate to an intersex person? Legally intersex people cannot marry. Until 2013, LGBTI immigration of spouses was not legal in the US, so what if someone lied and frauded the government before then? Some intersex people have to go through a very traumatic surgery which the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture in 2013 called for a stop. If its “torture” for the intersex person, is there any trauma or torture on the spouse and children of intersex marriage when the surgery is done during the marriage? If the spouse stayed quiet and showed compassion as a spouse caregiver, is that such a big crime that not only he suffered abuse as a silent caregiver but now it needs to be repeated on his innocent children by splitting the siblings? Was it wrong to stay silent? Was it wrong to show compassion?

It is a miracle that the spouse has survived. The reasons why an intersex person is suicidal are the exact same reasons why an abused spouse caregiver of an intersex person may die. To have the trauma, secrecy, lies, abuse being repeated on his innocent IVF children by splitting them up calls for a change, one cannot stay quiet in the best interest of the children. The case is not about IVF, it is not about intersex, it is not about compassion, it is not about being helpful, it is not about love, it is not about infertility, it is about LIES, LIES, LIES. And any parent, IVF or not, when it comes to their child will say the truth if they truly love their child. Children also grow up one day into adults. While they may be brainwashed and alienated but as a parent we want to give a better world for our children. I have a dream that by the time the IVF children grow up, there will be equal rights for IVF children and families.

One Thing I Cannot give my IVF children

Legally, I cannot give a sister to my son and a big brother to my daughter because I am an IVF parent and an IVF family must be punished and discriminated. Innocent, voiceless children must be ivf-child-2014-equal-rights-lawspunished because for crimes they did not commit and for being born through IVF. January 12 is World Daughter Day and today let us celebrate all daughters – future sisters, wives, mothers, aunts and maybe someday there will be IVF children day when world is more accommodating. In 2014, having children through compassion from anonymous egg donor and surrogate is such a terrible crime that the innocent IVF brother and sister must be punished for crimes they did not commit. I kept my IVF son’s dream to have a sibling. A father’s dream should become his innocent children’s nightmare because he dared to be compassionate and wanted to have children. I have a dream…that someday siblings will be able to grow up together happily despite their primary care provider being a father. I have a dream…that the love and character of a parent counts more than gender of a parent.

I gave a piece of myself, I gave multiple sleepless nights, I fought with infertility in a marriage, I gave multiple international lonely trips to have a child through IVF, I sought help and compassion of other women including egg donors and surrogates, I stayed persistent and kept trying despite multiple failed IVF attempts, I am responsible for my children, I physically had two IVF children but one thing I cannot give my IVF children is a physical hug, kiss, embrace, love, companionship of a brother and sister. One thing I cannot give my IVF children is a valid legal identity. One thing I cannot give my IVF children is freedom because I am an IVF parent. I miss him on missing out because of my gender.

I have hit the pavement, endeared abuses in your name, endeared abuses in my name because I dared to have children through IVF, I have seen doors slammed in my face because I ask for your IVF child rights, I have seen offensive and abusive legal language in prevailing laws against IVF children and families, I have felt that doing IVF is a crime, I have felt that having IVF children is a crime, I have felt that my IVF children should be punished like criminals. No one’s innocent children are criminals just based on their birth type – it is discrimination. Just like discrimination that occurred during slavery, women suffrage, civil rights, colonialism, apartheid, gay rights and so on. If the laws have not caught up with technology, it is a legislative issue, that does not mean innocent IVF children are criminals. NO “parent” including a traditional parent or a statesperson of a country or an entrepreneur or a politician for the lack of laws likes to hear their “baby” called ugly. Why is it OK to treat an IVF child without basic human dignity or respect?

While most US family courts are based on love and character of a parent, the US Immigration laws are based on biology and gender of a parent – a stark contradiction. While most US family courts consider the woman who gave birth to the child as the mother, the US immigration laws require a genetic link which means a surrogate in an IVF child is immaterial as per US laws – a stark contradiction. While most US family courts consider a child born during a marriage as a “child of the marriage”, the US immigration laws consider an IVF child as “child born out of wedlock” – a stark contradiction. While US family courts would see that a person is a caring primary care provider for his child regardless of the parent’s gender being male, the US immigration law requires an immigrant father to have a “US mother” to bring an IVF child to the US – a stark contradiction.

Since US Immigration laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and child born outside the US, here are some thoughts.

1) Should infertile parents take their 9-month term pregnant surrogate to the nearest US consulate or Embassy to give birth to their US citizen child to bypass the immigration laws?

2) Should infertile parents be treated like military families who give birth to their child born outside the US but due to circumstances are deployed outside of the US?

3) Should innocent children of Americans who dare to innovate and think outside the box be punished because of their parents actions?

4) Do infertile middle-class Americans who are infertile deserve to be childless as per laws requiring a “genetic link”?

Reproduction is a human right and regardless of laws, people are going to continue and try to procreate with the tools available. How do we protect the innocent children? Do fruits of fertility treatments like IVF children deserve equal respect and protection under the laws? Is it time for laws to catch up with technology?

While every child is special, an IVF child is coming together of more than just two parents. It embodies the best of humanity. Dehumanizing and disrespecting an IVF child is also disrespecting the best of humanity starting with the innocent IVF child.

Who Needs Siblings?

Two Siblings, Two Continents, Never Met – Why? Siblings are good because… Siblings Forever

  1. They help you realize it’s important to hug, kiss and share. Like sharing a child with an infertile person.
  2. They teach you the first lesson in forgiveness and forget – one minute you are at each other’s throat, the next minute you are playing together like the two happiest people in the world. Like when as an adult you find out your spouse cheated you and broke the laws but you move on.
  3. They teach you the first lesson in teamwork. For example when immigration laws are against IVF children and families, it is important to work as a team to get your rights as individuals from the government.
  4. They teach you compassion and love for a fellow human being. Parents give unconditional love to every child ideally, emotions coming from a sibling are special. Like for example, if your spouse is sick and needs care but wants secret, you don’t leave your spouse instead you respect their feelings out of love and compassion and you serve as a silent caregiver despite the abuse unto you.
  5. Older siblings get their first lesson of responsibility and care when helping and watching their parents care for little babies. Something an innocent child is missing because of secrecy and lies.
  6. They give a sense of a family. After all kids like playing with other kids and not adults all the time. It is upto the parents how to nurture the sibling bond into adulthood. Siblings can have different bonds. A traditional bond between blood sisters or brother-sister or brothers. Then there are “special bonds” between twins or triplets, then there are special bonds of a blended family, then there are special bonds between siblings who are adopted into a family, then there are special bonds between siblings who are born through IVF. It is more about thinking from the perspective of the child than anyone else. Why deny this opportunity of siblings?
  7. There is the sibling rivalry – whether it is nurtured into love or hate depends on how parents treat the siblings. Spiteful, Prejudiced, taking sides, selfish parents may not nurture a healthy relationship between siblings and the innocent siblings end up hating each other. They maybe enacting acts out of selfishness without realizing it is hurting a healthy relationship between siblings.
  8. Siblings have your back no matter what.
  9. If you are an Immigrant, international IVF parent and are unable to be present for your IVF child’s birth, your sibling will rush by the side of your new born IVF baby. You can’t pay someone to do that – thats family.
  10. If you are an immigrant, international IVF parent and your IVF child is abandoned but you cannot be there, your sibling will drop everything in their life, their work, their kids school just to be by the side of your new born IVF child AND fight against the abusive IVF clinic for the rights of the child – thats family.
  11. Siblings can help you create fraud documentation claiming you as a biological parent even though medically one is infertile – thats family.
  12. Siblings can help you lie and steal and keep your secrets – thats family.
  13. Siblings can help you break laws and keep your secrets – thats family.
  14. Either way whether they rescue your child or rescue you with lies and breaking the laws, it seems like siblings are the ones who rescue you when in need because there are very few other people we can confide in as adults.
  15. Then why deny an existing sibling to an innocent child – a sibling he wanted? Why deny an opportunity to make a sibling bond? Is this selfless love of a parent or selfish love? 

It is one thing to divorce but to split up innocent siblings AND place them in legal limbo deliberately takes ABUSE to a whole another level. It is traumatic to be infertile but that does not mean one can go around spreading lies, breaking laws, abusing people, abusing innocent children, violating basic human rights and child rights of innocent children. It is true that infertile immigrants don’t have fertility rights, so stand up and fight for rights rather than abusing others and living as a criminal. Its a far better lesson to teach an innocent child than any “love”. Even when unmarried gay couples split, both parents get practical co-parenting with the innocent children and siblings are NOT split. But if you are an immigrant, intersex IVF family in the 2000s, it is such a terrible crime that not only the child is separated from his biological family but also from his siblings and dehumanized due to lack of legal identity – the price of criminality, secrecy, lies and breaking laws. Even after 60 years, siblings UNITE from North and South Korea showing the love for each other and how governments CANNOT SPLIT siblings.

Siblings outlast marriages, siblings outlast divorces, siblings outlast lies IF they are given an opportunity.

Modern Day Slavery

In a recent study, India has a dubious presence of being the country with most modern-day slaves in the world – an estimated about 14 million people.Lincoln-slavery-freedom Slavery in any form is bad. January is National Slavery and Human Trafficking Month. As an evolving human society, we have learnt our lessons but have we? While most people are not affected by infertility or dysfertility and therefore are unaware about the underbelly of dealing with being childless. The “popular mantra” is providing a child to the infertile adult while ignoring the needs of the innocent, voiceless child. Most cases are normal but what happens when IVF children are victims and due to lack of laws have no legal recourse? Should we be allowing criminals to take children away from their biological families simply because they are affluent and infertile? Or does the CHILD have EQUAL rights? What we need is freedom from the slavery of secrecy, lies and fraud and have an opportunity to live freely with a valid legal identity. Recently, India has also become a global hub in international IVF/surrogacy. The international IVF industry is flourishing without any laws. Is this vacuum of lack of laws while churning out innocent IVF babies with compassionate surrogates creating modern day slaves in some cases? If so, where is the relief for victims and where is the justice? The spirit of the article is to bring change with stating facts and truth. Let us analyze the modern day slavery report and a case of an immigrant, IVF, intersex family in 2000s married in India and had IVF children in India and are split across two continents in the US and India and are denied to meet. “The study could help governments assess and eradicate slavery, which is a ‘hidden and diverse’ crime”, Walk Free said. We hope that the governments assess and eradicate the modern day vacuum in international IVF/surrogacy which is a “hidden and diverse” crime. The fact that innocent, voiceless IVF siblings have been heinously split is what prompts the discussion. The definition and parameters used in the Global Slavery Index by the Walk Free Foundation to define modern day slavery include:

1) Practices such as debt bondage – If two adults agree to have an IVF child together and one commissioning parent abandons an IVF pregnancy mid-way, should there be any responsibility and accountability placed on that parent for the welfare of the IVF child? In a commercial surrogacy situation, since the commissioning parent has abandoned, who will pay the surrogate for the IVF child and what are the rights of the surrogate? Because of the abandonment, the IVF child may become stateless without a “legal identity”, what are the rights of the IVF child? Do they deserve basic human respect and dignity? If one of the commissioning parents – the biological parent is forced to either also abandon his IVF child due to lack of laws or give up his career, life, and family and move to India to raise the abandoned IVF daughter and thus placing an extreme financial burden on him and the IVF child. Fighting for rights is very expensive and requires financial resources. If a natural born child is abandoned, legally there is a recourse to get child support for welfare of the child. But discriminating against an IVF child is OK? Are the needs of an IVF child any less than any other child? EQUAL is all we ask.

2) Forced marriage – Being intersex is very traumatic and is what we are told especially to people who have little to no awareness on the subject. Legally, intersex people cannot marry. What is the greater good – demand for equal marriage rights or lie and force unsuspecting victims into intersex marriage? Socially whatever we may think, legally being in an intersex marriage, both spouses have to deal with the lack of laws issues because an intersex marriage is illegal. Recently, Edie Windsor in the US in its defeat of DOMA demonstrated that the right answer is to change the laws, not break the laws. Along with her, several others benefited including immigration for same-sex spouses. Some spouses have waited over 40 years to legally marry but not break the law – their love did not decrease. Some spouses have waited several years to sponsor their spouse for US Immigration based on marriage unlike frauding the US Immigration for personal benefit. Forcing any unsuspecting spouse into a marriage under threats and silence is abuse. There are also intersex people who are honest which is a good example to follow than to lie, fraud, abuse and exploit others including innocent children. If an intersex person can demand for equal intersex rights and equal reproductive rights due to infertility, can they also give equal rights to IVF children and families and spouse caregiver of intersex? Being a victim of gender role stereotyping is one thing but to victimize a child like that is another. A spouse caregiver of intersex and an IVF father was the primary care provider for his IVF child when born because the intersex spouse was under medical treatment and was under severe trauma to care for an infant. That’s a fact creating a deep bond between the innocent child and the “father/mother/primary care provider” – why rob him of that just because it does not “fit the gender role stereotype”?  He was both a mother and father under the most grievous of circumstances. Neither the compassionate egg donor or the surrogate who gave birth were around, we lied. And if the “mother” is the person who spends the most time and bonds with the child in the initial months, then that would be the IVF father because of the unique circumstances. To deny the truth would be to also deny the facts of abuse and violence perpetrated while undergoing medical treatment with severe trauma and depression. It is sad and compassion worthy but it is not worthy of denial and lying. If a child is raised by a gay couple, who is the “mother”? Should we start teaching our children to say “primary care provider” instead of “mother” and “father” to get the point across?

3) Sale or exploitation of children – There are no specific laws for IVF children. There are 8 different ways in how parentage can be assigned in an IVF child while there is only one way for a natural born child. Socially whatever we may believe that it is the love for the child and not the biology or gender of the parent, the laws are strictly based on biology and gender of  a parent. This gap creates situations sometimes where innocent IVF children are rendered stateless and/or are exploited. What is their fault? Is having a legal identity the right of an individual? Is having valid birth documents the property of an individual – something they will need from birth to even age 60 or 70? Why should an innocent, voiceless IVF child be punished for crimes they did not commit?

4) Human trafficking – As stated earlier, the laws are based on biology and gender. If you do not like the laws, change the laws but do not break them especially which hurts innocent children. Legally, an intersex person cannot marry, nor can they have a biological child, neither have the adopted a child legally, then how can they have “legal custody” of an IVF child? Was there any suppression of facts? Were any laws broken or violated? Is this a sophisticated white collar crime in human trafficking? Is denying the IVF child the truth and access to his biological family and siblings a violation of his human rights? Is denying a valid legal identity to a child a violation of laws? A US grandmother was arrested and charged for abducting a child uncovered on presenting false birth documents.

5) Forced labor – Using an anonymous egg donor and surrogate for their compassion to have an IVF child is one thing, to lie and claim as your own and denying them the gratitude and facts is ____? Claiming to love an IVF child while abandoning another IVF child – their sibling is defined as love for the child in which world? Had the conspiracy to split the IVF siblings and suppressing the facts from court while creating a unique circumstance using anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-LGBTI laws, could a person have got “legal custody” of an IVF child? Was the innocent IVF child used as “property” to be discarded with no consequences or is the IVF child a human being with protection of basic human rights and dignity?

6) Others are tricked and lured into situations they cannot escape – An unsuspecting male was tricked into a marriage only to be later revealed it is both marriage fraud and in fact is illegal because its an intersex marriage. Next came the intersex surgery during marriage which is even rarer and the resulting abuse, violence and caregiving of a person who is changing in every way possible. They say a spouse changes after marriage, this takes it to whole another level – physically, physiologically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. Next came the infertility and the resulting international IVF and its lack of laws and immigration issues. The trickery, secrecy, lies, fraud were so ingrained and brainwashed that one can simply not escape. That does not mean it did not occur. If the mistake is the crimes were not reported but that does not mean the crimes did not occur. We had become slaves to the secrecy, lies and fraud of living as intersex, immigrant and IVF in 2000s. The effects of this slavery is still continuing because innocent IVF brother and sister are divided and are stateless in legal limbo. The bigger questions to ask are :

  • How do we solve the issues of intersex? Is it by secrecy, lies and victimizing innocent, unsuspecting spouses – also humans OR by passing equal laws for which facts and truth is necessary?
  • How do we solve the issue of IVF/infertility? Medically, IVF helps infertile or dysfertile humans, have the laws caught up with technology to address the issue in “entirety”?
  • How do we solve the issue of IVF children rights? Is it enough to say that great we have delivered a child to an infertile or dysfertile human or do we also need to equally protect the IVF children and donors and surrogates and families and the “entire ” IVF ecosystem?

If it were 1800, to suggest to a person that if they don’t want to be a slave, they should change their skin color may have been appropriate for the time. But its 2000s and times have changed somewhat. If I were that person, I would keep my skin color the way it is and rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights for me and everyone like me. A story of an immigrant, IVF father in 2014 is similar, rather than “accomodating” to the discriminatory laws of today, would rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights of IVF children and families.

Eunuch’s lies and its Domino Effects

It is one thing to have anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-intersex laws but to use them to split innocent IVF brother and sister and place them in domino effect of lies IVF childrenlegal limbo is a heinous crime against the children. As a parent, an adult would go through anything for a child including abuse but to have the same abuse repeated on your children, will you stand by quietly or will you speak up for their rights? Every human being deserves a child but the reproductive rights and laws are discriminatory, is that an individual’s issue or the government? Every child deserves equal rights including IVF children but the laws are discriminatory, is that an IVF parent’s issue or the government’s issue to resolve? As a binational immigrant, intersex, IVF family – is that our issue or the lack of laws issues is for the governments? As a young, male, spouse caregiver of Eunuch and being a binational, immigrant IVF father, is it wrong to deal with trauma after trauma after trauma after trauma (domino effects) in dealing with the issues (lack of laws) of a Eunuch family? We start our journey in India because that’s where it all began – marriage to an Eunuch, IVF children born in India to Eunuch marriage and the lies of a Eunuch resulting in making everyone else in the family effectively living neither here nor there. Thanks to the love and support of the family that we are still alive and have an opportunity to speak the truth. We seek inspiration from people like Rosa Parks, Susan Anthony, Edie Windsor, Tony Briffa, Jaclyn Schultz (Miss Michigan 2013), Nina Davuluri (Miss America 2013) who have the strength and courage to speak the truth and allow people to accept who they are and not use a continuing web of secrecy and lies which violates rights of other people. If an Eunuch deserves compassion, does an innocent IVF child deserve compassion?

India has long recognized Eunuchs legally, the third gender. Other countries like Nepal, Australia, New Zealand and several other Asian countries do so also. Germany, the first “western” country started offering the third gender. Non-conforming to the binary gender provides an opportunity for people to be HONEST and not be forced to lie whether they are male or female. This provides an opportunity to address real concerns of an Eunuch family – like being able to have children legally.

  • We have the first IVF child born in a Eunuch family in India and quite possibly the world – instead of celebrating, we are living in secrecy and lies.
  • We have the first IVF sibling in a Eunuch family – instead of celebrating and providing the love of a sibling to an IVF brother, we are living in secrecy and lies.
  • Given the prevailing laws, could an Eunuch have gained custody of an international IVF child without violating any laws? Could this have been achieved without abandoning another IVF sibling and denying them the due process? Is it a crime against humanity from the child’s perspective? Did the donor and surrogate agree to share their humanity only for the IVF child to be abandoned and to be given up to an orphanage?
  • When an IVF journey results in a successful IVF child, it is a time to celebrate and announce the birth of a child and not a time to be forced into secrecy and lies to convenience someone so that they can break the laws.
  • By not stating the facts that a child is IVF, we are disrespecting the best of humanity – compassionate women like the donors and surrogates. We are also teaching innocent children to lie for personal benefit. Secrecy, lies, fraud is not a world a parent wants for their child. Instead we should be celebrating the donors and surrogates and the selfless humanity they have exhibited resulting in two wonderful IVF children for this family.
  • If only mothers are allowed to be parents, how do we explain gay parents and single fathers who equally love their children? If we can celebrate gay parenting and single fatherhood, why can’t we celebrate IVF fatherhood based on merits and facts?
  • It is one thing to lie to the court about the facts to gain custody of a child by an infertile person but does that change the facts? The DNA tests will still fail, the truth will be exposed and the lies will not stand the test of time and placing innocent children at risk of legal limbo.
  • An unemotional male as stereotyped cannot go through something like this. We can agree that different lobbies will try to malign, defame, falsely accuse, etc a binational, immigrant IVF father AND a young, male, spouse care giver of Eunuch for their political and social agendas. However, it would be impossible for an unemotional, inhumane person to actually live through this and survive to talk about it. It is about the IVF children and their rights to equality – a wish of any parent for their child to have a better world than theirs.
  • Mothers deserve all the love and praise, they sacrifice a lot for their child, they are at every beck and call of the child, for this they have to be physically available, mentally be available, emotionally be available. A person who is in depression and severe trauma on medications and under medical treatment is not a candidate for this. Instead of lying about the facts, we should be saying the truth so that NO other child has to undergo the abuse again. For the record, we did stay silent and above all took care of the innocent child as a primary care provider during these times, however we were punished for our silence and societal stereotypes were used to split the innocent child from his family and his primary care provider.
  • Medical conditions are nothing new, it is about how we handle them. We look to Angelina Jolie and Amy Robach for inspiration on dealing with life changing medical events with truth, strength and love of family and friends. Due to their celebrity and public persona they can help if only one person. What good would it do by living in secrecy and lies? Why miss a learning opportunity due to secrecy and lies? Hiding the trauma and abuse of a recovering Eunuch patient may place future innocent children and spouses at risk. The right answer is to accept the facts, wait for Eunuchs to stabilize as they undergo medical treatment and then have a child. We look forward to a world when we can discuss the issues of Eunuch surgery and its effects same as breast cancer without any secrecy, stigma and arrive at real solutions. Secrecy and lies are not the way to handle any traumatic situations.
  • Eunuchs cannot legally marry, Eunuchs cannot legally immigrate with children, Eunuchs cannot legally immigrate based on marriage. Instead of celebrating someone who has managed to achieve all this apparently without breaking any laws, we are forced into secrecy and lies. How will this help other Eunuchs and their families or are they also forced to lie and break the laws?
  • There are lots of positives to be learned from a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND a binational immigrant IVF father – instead we have to force him into secrecy and lies and defamation and false allegations. Why can’t we celebrate the values of “till death do us apart”? Instead of celebrating the fact that a person was presented with the fact he was married to an Eunuch, the spouse did not leave, went through an unprecedented Eunuch surgery, the spouse did not leave, infertility exists in an Eunuch marriage, the spouse did not leave, the male spouse became the primary care provider for his son due to the ongoing medical treatment and resulting physical and mental unavailability of the other spouse, both agreed to a second IVF child only to abandon the IVF child when born, the spouse, the biological parent did not leave the second IVF child. It is very traumatic for the Eunuch but is the trauma any less for the spouse. Thanks to the love and support of the family, miraculously the spouse is alive. Which one of the values that he exhibited are unworthy of sharing with children? Is it wrong to show love and compassion? Is it wrong to help another human being? Is it wrong to expect truth? Is it wrong to expect basic human decency and respect for your children if not equal?

The right answer is to change the laws. As you read this today or read it a 100 hundred years from now – the young, male spouse caregiver of Eunuch and a binational, immigrant IVF father had his heart in the right place and always had the bigger picture in mind – every human counts. What cannot count is the secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, torture which are human-made. An IVF father, a parent only wishes to tell his children that do not break anyone’s heart even though someone breaks your heart. I will teach you strength and courage to help yourself and ALSO help the person who broke your heart – the same thing my parents taught me. Equal rights for IVF children and families, equal caregiver rights are themes relevant today and will remain relevant till equal rights are granted – whether today or a 100 years from now.

I Am ____

I am Scottsboro boysI am

I am Baby Scoop Era

I am IVF

I am immigrant

I am DSD family

I am LGBTI family

I am invisible

I am Rosa Parks

I am Susan B Anthony

I am Erin Brockovich

I am Edie Windsor

I am Tony Briffa

I am civil rights

I am reproductive rights

I am immigrant rights

I am family rights

I am IVF child

I am thankful for the compassionate donors and surrogates without whom could not have had lovely IVF children

I am caregiver

I am brother

I am sister

I am child

I am father

I am mother

I am primary care provider

I am infertile or dysfertile

I am human

I am no more lying

I am truth

This case is about all these people and only truth can get us a solution. Secrecy and lies punishes innocents and continued lies and secrecy to hid one lie further aggravates the situation failing to provide a solution. There are others who matter and who are human beings too. I am one of them to confront truth before its too late and not someone who is DSD, immigrant, infertile and enjoys an IVF child while claiming the child is natural born.

Relentless secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, crimes, breaking the laws can help one achieve access to an immigrant, non-biological child but what is the greater good? Can it change facts?

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court.

  1. While they can enjoy the IVF child, what does the IVF child want and need? If there is compassion for DSD, should there also be compassion for IVF child?
  2. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that their actions are directly responsible for placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo and splitting the IVF siblings and two innocent childhoods have been robbed.
  3. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that several DSD people cannot immigrate based on marriage because they dont have marriage rights and consequently no DSD family rights.
  4. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that several infertile people cannot bring their non-biological IVF child to the US because of lack of immigration laws.
  5. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that it is their lies and secrecy which has caused the innocent IVF children to be placed in legal limbo.
  6. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that thousands of DSD people are born every year with the same natural condition and living without equal rights. Secrecy and lies will not help them achieve equal rights, truth, education, and awareness will.
  7. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that the IVF child has a very loving parent, siblings, grandparents, and others who love him dearly but are denied his rights and their rights.
  8. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact about the compassion of egg donor and surrogate women and instead of celebrating their contribution, why lie to pass of the IVF child as a natural born child. Will the love for the child become any less by saying the truth? Why forbid others to say the truth?
  9. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that there is a lack of laws for IVF children and families. The lack of laws is like placing a “staircase” in front of a wheelchair bound person. Would they have any experience about lack of “rights” as a DSD, immigrant, infertile person? And secrecy and lies is the right solution?
  10. While they can continue to lie, defame, violate human beings, they still cannot change the fact that this is about a DSD family, IVF parent, binational immigrant filled with noble intentions, love and compassion. Have they tried that lately –  Compassion and Truth? Despite the denial of DSD, infertility, we will always be canaries in the coal mine. Despite the secrecy and lies, we have been to DSD, IVF, Immigration and Beyond in 2000s.

This is about someone who is a relentless criminal and will abuse, violate, lie, fraud anyone including innocent children. Do the children have rights? Do other DSD people have rights? Do IVF parents have rights? Do caregiver have rights? Do immigrants have rights?

Legal Disability and Discrimination of IVF

We do not expect our governments to get rid of our disabilities and help us climb stairs or help us see, but we do expect our governments to pass laws sodisability-discrimination-ivf that there are ramps to buildings and Braille on public boards and so on so people can self-help. We do not expect our governments to give a child to every human but we do expect our governments to have laws for all children (including IVF) to be treated equally. Anything less is a test of time and is discriminatory. December 3 is International Day of Persons with Disabilities.

I love you my children because you are wonderful children and you are a wonderful human being. Second because you are my children and inherently every parent loves their child. Third you symbolize something much bigger than you or me because of the gifted way you came to our world with compassion, struggles, sacrifices of several people – humanity at its best. As part of an international IVF, immigrant family in 2000s with lack of laws, we are rendered effectively with “legal disability” and discrimination. Do we continue to suffer in silence or do we state the truth and ask for help (not pity)?  In the near future (I hope but life has taught me it will be distant), gender of a parent or the biology of a parent will not be used to discriminate against innocent children. Over the years, human society has struggled with political correctness on how to deal with disability and discrimination of humans and different societies deal with it differently. What is critical is results count and effects of our actions or inactions count. Can we extend a hand to help or do we chop off the hand that tries to help? Can you help an IVF child get home? – The answer is simple, pass laws for their real-life situations and needs.

In some countries, it may be illegal to discriminate against people with disabilities but still no services are provided that can provide self-help. For example, public signage should be Braille compliant or public buildings should be ramp compliant for wheelchair access and so on. So while there may be laws to punish discrimination, are we providing “help” to seamlessly allow disabled people to grow, develop and feel empowered on their own? Most developed countries have both laws AND services to address the real life issues and concerns, where do innocent IVF children fit in to the puzzle? Neither laws exist for them nor help exist for their specific needs and issues, are they invisible? Are they also equal human beings who deserve basic human rights and decency if not equal? Do surrogates deserve protection and rights for the services they offer in terms of a gift of an IVF child? Or should they be abandoned or mistreated? If intended parents sign up for an IVF child and then file divorce during an ongoing pregnancy, why should that be an issue/problem/denial of basic human rights for the IVF child and/or the surrogate? What counts is the current state rather than how we got here. Current state is that in some cases IVF children are being discriminated due to no fault of theirs. Whether it is an accident in the IVF clinic resulting in a DNA mismatch and thus the immigration laws are triggered separating the parent and IVF child OR a birth mother who used donor eggs and sperm but not having a “biological link” as defined in the laws OR a biological father who used donor eggs and surrogate but has “no legal mother” of the IVF child OR when a divorce is filed during an ongoing IVF pregnancy. These real-life situations are placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo and violating their fundamental and basic rights as a human being. If you are “invisible” in the legal system with no legal identity, can you demand for your legal rights? Do “invisible” human beings have rights?

The special situations create a “disabled” world of legal limbo for innocent IVF children. While the laws may be inadvertent, our inactions and not passing any new laws to protect the innocent IVF children is discriminatory. The IVF child has been made “invisible” of their needs and issues and that causes their “legal disability”. As an IVF parent, I have been through several roller coasters – emotional, financial, social, physical, spiritual, and so on. I love my IVF child so much that went through the roller coasters all over again for another IVF child. And then to have them grow up separately due to no fault of theirs, rather, using my gender as an IVF parent to discriminate and separate them is worse than appalling, it is heinous. One can understand the lack of laws, but to show utter disregard and basic human decency for a human life and that too innocent children is heinous. To the world, deliberately separated IVF children may just be a statistic, for me they are everything (all IVF children). In one case, they are two beautiful IVF brother and sister – who deserve the best and who deserve basic rights if NOT equal. Equal rights for IVF children is a dream that may not be achieved in this lifetime because of the snail’s pace of progress on this sensitive subject, so help us at least by giving us basic human rights, if not equal.

When Lies Ruin Lives and Break the Laws

There is severe trauma and depression for intersex people. That’s what the medical professionals tell us. There is severe depression and trauma when an intersex person has surgery and goes on hormonal therapy changing every way imaginable. They deserve every bit of compassion and support but also LIES which breaks laws? The same person is allowed to be a primary secrets-and-lies-ruin-livescare provider of an infant under the same diagnosis without any medical help? Can’t have it both ways or can you? Rather than continuing to lie and making this case about rights of a biological parent Vs non-biological parent OR rights of an intersex person Vs non-intersex person AND so on, what about rights of immigrants, infertile, IVF children and families? For the record, why do intersex people do not have equal rights to marry or immigrate based on marriage or have reproductive rights to non-biological IVF children born outside the US? Are these issues of the spouse of intersex and IVF father trying to help or a human rights and legislative issue? The truth is this is about a person who relentlessly lies, breaks laws, teaches others to lie resulting in victimizing unsuspecting innocents including children. And when one lie gets caught, there are a set of thousand more lies to hide one lie which dehumanizes people including innocent children. This is about someone who is a criminal and the lies have caught up. If it were about compassion, then where is the compassion for an innocent, abandoned IVF child who is in legal limbo? By continuing the lies, are we suppressing the abuse on innocent children and unsuspecting spouse? Will lies achieve a solution or accepting the truth, however bitter, lead us to move forward and provide a practical solution for all victims?Are the lies ruining lives or helping lives prosper?

It is a fact that intersex marriage is not allowed as per prevailing laws. If you are intersex or a supporter of intersex, is the right answer to demand for equal marriage rights or lie and fraud unsuspecting victims into a fraud marriage? Regardless of whether a spouse of intersex believes in human rights of intersex, the fact that they have been lied to is what constitutes fraud. No marriage can be based on a foundation of lies. Certainly, it cannot be entertained as “love for the spouse” if at all, it is love for thyself. Divorces happen, but do innocent siblings get SPLIT? If a man married a woman, had biological children with her, and then later announced he is gay leading to a divorce, will the children of the marriage be SPLIT? Will the children be taken away from the mother who was the silent spectator to the discovery? Did the mother do anything wrong? Did she cheat? Did she fraud?

It is a fact that US Immigration laws did not allow “same-sex” couples to sponsor immigration for their spouses nor could they marry legally. Law abiding citizens waited, some even over 40 years to be allowed to marry legally – making it a very emotional story because truth is involved. What if an intersex person immigrated to the US based on marriage before 2013, is that legal? More importantly, can other intersex people repeat the same or are they being encouraged to break the laws also? When one takes help of lies, it only ruins lives and certainly one cannot talk openly about the facts and truth because laws were broken. How is it a greater good?

It is a fact that intersex people are infertile. They can either adopt or have children through IVF. In countries like India, intersex people are legally recognized as a “third gender” and can neither adopt or opt for IVF/surrogacy. Then how can an intersex person have custody of an IVF child without breaking any laws? More importantly, can another intersex person repeat it without breaking laws? Isn’t it better to instead demand for equal rights like Edie Windsor or Tony Briffa for the greater good? More importantly, just like the relationship with the spouse of intersex was based on foundation of lies which ruined lives, why repeat a strategy of lies with innocent IVF child, separate him from his siblings and biological family and expect a different outcome? So an intersex person successfully lied, frauded, cheated their spouse whom they claim to “love”, next they got US immigration through marriage before “same-sex” immigration was legalized, next they had an IVF child and claimed it as their own biological child because the law would not support them otherwise, next they abandoned an IVF child and sent the biological parent on a IVF horror story from hell involving, gender, biology, immigration and IVF discrimination…and now want utter silence from the victims? And they expect the IVF child will grow up with no issues once the truth is learnt? Had the spouse of intersex LEFT like majority of men do and not dealt with the complex issues on the plate, well for one, there would be no IVF brother and sister to be UNITED and this conversation would never happen. However we have someone who is a victim of nature Vs someone who is a victim of human actions including innocent children, where do we go from here? “All I am saying is lets give truth a chance.”

It is a fact that about 1 in 6 couples experience infertility. It is a fact that 100% of intersex couples are infertile or dysfertile. Shouldn’t we be advocating for equal reproductive rights for all? That is possible only if truth is allowed. Within the minority of infertile couples, some opt for IVF/surrogacy – the ones who can afford it. In even a smaller minority, some couples divorce during an ongoing IVF pregnancy or known as IVFphiles. What about the rights of the IVF child as an individual? All ongoing natural born pregnancies have to be reported to the court during a divorce in the best interest of the child, why not “equal” laws for IVF children? Are IVF children LESS of a child or have LESS of needs for their welfare and well-being? Even if inadvertent, the negligence treats the IVF child like “property” and denies them the “basic respect and dignity as a human being”, if not equal. The inaction only continues the abuse, injustice and denial of rights. If there are safe haven laws for natural born children, why not the equivalent for IVF children? And how does one deal with international IVF and immigration laws are involved?

Why should an innocent, voiceless child have to suffer and be punished by placing them in legal limbo without a legal identity for crimes they did not commit? Enough is enough.

  • First lies to cheat and fraud an unsuspecting spouse of intersex.
  • Next the abuse while undergoing severe medical treatment during marriage.
  • Next the inability to cope both as a “parent” and a “severe trauma and depression patient” and the resulting abuse on innocent child.
  • Next when threatened by a split and the spouse wanting to say the truth for his own sanity, the criminal realizes they may never be able to have a child again. So let us abandon an innocent child, split the one child from his siblings and primary care provider – another genetic male, and alienate the child systematically from his only known biological family.
  • The medical treatment works but it also takes time and the intersex person today may not be the same person a decade ago when under severe trauma and depression. But did that come at the price of ruining lives of the spouse and IVF brother and sister? Does that mean the crimes did not occur? Does that mean the laws were not broken?

Surrogacy in USA

Surrogacy in USA is expensive and not affordable by everyone thus making it inaccessible. Just because one is infertile does not mean they will getfreedom USA affordable surrogacy. Too often the average American who is not a celebrity of sorts or a business tycoon or a huge net worth and just a working class hard working American goes to international places where the dollar travels farther in hopes to create a family through IVF/Surrogacy. Have the laws caught up with technology like IVF? Is it a crime to want to have an IVF child? Was it acceptable for gay fathers or single fathers to have IVF children in 2003? Do the laws also support it in parallel?

As soon as an American goes outside the country to have a child through IVF/Surrogacy to love and cherish for life, immigration laws get triggered because the child is born outside the USA. The immigration laws are different and the laws have to be respected. Just like it is not an excuse to steal, fraud a child by a working class American who cannot afford surrogacy in the USA, not having a “biological link” to a child born outside the US is no excuse to break the laws by claiming as theirs, one has to still follow the laws. Or is it OK to break the laws? USA is a very compassionate country who believes in respecting laws but for an immigrant, intersex, IVF family of 2000s, these words still ring hollow. If one can show compassion to an intersex person, why can’t we show compassion to an innocent, voiceless IVF child?

There are eight different ways parentage can be assigned in an IVF/surrogacy situation which varies from case to case while there is only one way to assign parentage in a natural born pregnancy. Are the (lack of ) laws trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? And if so, what are the effects of these lack of laws when it comes to immigration issues and is it adversely affecting innocent, voiceless IVF children who committed no crimes other than being born through IVF/surrogacy internationally. Is it a crime to be married to an intersex person and wanting to have children which would be either through adoption or IVF since the intersex condition is infertile? It is one thing to want to have a child at any cost but it is another to deny rights to an innocent, voiceless child. There are several families who may not report crimes because of compassion or love for their loved ones, that does not mean the crimes did not occur. Marriages fail all the time but it does not SPLIT innocent siblings where they can never meet, it does not place innocent brother and sister in legal limbo. Do humans [IVF children] who are in legal limbo have any protection of their legal rights and their legal identity?

If an American goes outside the US for international IVF/surrogacy and uses donor eggs and sperm but carries the IVF child to term herself, is she a legal mother who can sponsor her IVF children or not? As per prevailing immigration laws, she is not. Should she abandon the IVF child and return to her life in the US or should she live in exile outside the US and raise her IVF child lovingly as she had dreamed? And yes, the money for the IVF procedure was paid for by income in the US for which taxes were paid in the US. If the IVF child is abandoned due to lack of laws created from money sourced from after -tax US income, whose responsibility and accountability is it for the welfare and well-being of the IVF child?

If an American father goes outside the US for international IVF/surrogacy and uses egg donor and surrogate and his own biological sperm to have an IVF child BUT the IVF clinic swaps the sperm sample accidentally resulting in a DNA mismatch. As per prevailing immigration laws, the IVF child has no legal standing in the US. Again is this the fault of the IVF child, the intended US parents or the IVF clinic? Will it occur again? What will be the legal recourse? What if the IVF child is abandoned by the intended US parents as they may not want to move to another country to live, who is responsible and accountable for the welfare and well-being of the IVF child created by money sourced from after -tax US income?

If an immigrant father goes outside the US for international IVF/Surrogacy and uses egg donor and surrogate and his own biological sperm but a divorce is filed in the US by the infertile spouse with no mention of the ongoing IVF pregnancy outside the US. As per prevailing immigration laws, a biological immigrant father cannot bring his IVF child to the US without a “mother”. Are single fathers or gay fathers or spouse of intersex fathers allowed to love their children equally?  More importantly, what are the rights of the IVF child? The US court also hands out a divorce decree which is enforceable worldwide without taking into account the global scale of the case and welfare of the IVF child who technically and legally is born during the marriage. Whether an intersex marriage is a “same-sex” marriage or whether it is void or legal is a separate discussion. If the same child had been abandoned in the US, it would be a crime and there would be repurcusions on the abandoning parent. Are the rights of the  IVF child LESS? Is the basic, not equal, human dignity and respect for the IVF child less? By denying the rights of the child, are we dehumanizing them to justify the position?

We would have to ask the IVF child about the repurcusions of being in legal limbo. Like when she asks why she cannot get a passport or why is she land-locked? What was her crime? Or when she asks why she can only see her IVF brother on the computer and not in person who is also confined and land-locked and cannot travel outside the US. What is his crime? By denying a legal identity, the result is innocent voiceless IVF children living as slaves to secrecy and lies and being punished for crimes they did not commit even if the intent to enslave is not there.

The crimes here are relentless lying, secrecy and fraud by a person who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant and needs a child at any cost. There are several intersex or infertile people in this world but they do not hurt and abuse innocent children. People who abuse innocent children are criminals regardless of your race, skin color, gender, sexual orientation or otherwise. And if a criminal who happens to be intersex, infertile and an immigrant, they have a great story where they achieved all this in 2000s when it was illegal, question is can other intersex, immigrant, infertile people also do the same? Where is the greater good because the lack of laws still exist? Question is could they have achieved this great story without breaking the laws and without splitting innocent IVF brother and sister and placing them in legal limbo? Could they have achieved this in a time when equal rights for gays and IVF children and families exist?

It is hard enough to save up for IVF/surrogacy whether in the USA or anywhere in the world. It is hard enough to find a compassionate donor and a surrogate. It is hard enough to raise an IVF child while the other parent is recovering from their medical treatment with severe trauma and depression. It is hard enough to be frauded, lied, abused, and violently treated in forced silence but to have it repeated on innocent children, it has got to stop. To snatch the freedom from innocent children has got to stop. “Mr./Ms. USA, Tear Down These Walls” [of secrecy, lies and fraud]. We are remnants of an era when anti-gay, anti-IVF laws exist and for as long as the IVF children cannot meet, it is a ongoing reality for us and not something of the past. What we need is truth with compassion and it has to begin with innocent, voiceless children and equal rights for IVF children and families and intersex families.

If there is compassion for intersex, why not compassion for IVF child?

There is a strong link between intersex and IVF and how it is dealt with – lack of laws, secrecy, lies, forcing people to break laws. As a society we need to learn from our mistakes instead of repeating them in the best interest of children. Most people may not have heard about intersex or IVF repeating mistakes or learning(in vitro fertilization) or may not be affected by it – both are minorities. As per NIH data, about 1 in 2000 births are intersex while 1 in 20000 births are born with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) – a subset of intersex. As per CDC data, about 1% of births in the US are through IVF while in a recent report, we as a world crossed the 5 million mark of having produced IVF children since its inception in 1978. Clearly, both are minorities and what is the link between the two? Secrecy and lies are never an answer to any issue. If there is increasing social conscience for intersex, should there be increasing social conscience for innocent, voiceless IVF children and families?

For us the reason for speaking up is a little IVF daughter who needs the compassion on humanitarian grounds. For us the reason to speak up is a little IVF son, her brother who needs the compassion on humanitarian grounds. Lending that to a greater good for equal rights for IVF children and families and equal rights for intersex families, even better.

  • Intersex children who are born CAIS are born with male testes – this is natural. Due to stigma and secrecy, the medical community has dealt with sensitive issues with lies and breaking the laws. If compassion is shown to intersex children, why can’t we show compassion to IVF children?
  • Intersex children were and still are being discriminated, should we repeat the discrimination now against innocent IVF children?
  • If Immigration laws require a parent to have a “biological link” with a child born outside the US, then how can an infertile intersex person bring an IVF child born outside the US without breaking the laws? And if we are going to look the other way and show compassion to an intersex person instead of changing the laws then why can’t we show compassion to IVF children also? What if there is a DNA mismatch due to an accident at the IVF clinic, should we punish the innocent IVF child by making them stateless or help them get out of legal limbo?
  • Parents of intersex are either taught to lie to their child and others by the medical community or they learn to lie due to secrecy and stigma. Should parents of IVF children also lie and how will this help the IVF child?
  • Intersex children who grow up as adults feel betrayed due to the lies and secrecy and are demanding for a change. Recently, a first of its kind legal case was filed in the US for such controversial unnecessary intersex surgery. What should IVF children do who have been lied to and what will they do when they grow up into adults?
  • There are medical professionals who do exist who have created fraudulent medical records with very bad consequences on innocent victims later. repeating criesBut at least there is a legal recourse as legal cases are now being filed. Similarly, IVFphiles also exist who place innocent IVF children in legal limbo or make them stateless, how do we ensure and protect the rights of an IVF child or are they dispensable human beings at the cost of infertile affluent adults?
  • The medical community claims that if the male testes are not surgically removed, there is a risk of testicular cancer. What is the risk profile? Is it 5-10% risk? There are now studies available which claim that IVF children are a third more likely to develop cancer, 65% chance of leukemia. Should we continue to lie or help the IVF children by allowing access to the biological family in their own best interest?
  • This widely “accepted” intersex surgery for decades has been called to a STOP by the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture in 2013 and thus showing that secrecy and lies are a failed approach. Should we subject similar “torture” on innocent IVF children in the name of secrecy and lies for next few decades and what good outcome will come out of that? How many more victims will the lies create and should we repeat our mistakes as a society or should we teach the future to accept the truth and empower them?
  • In some countries intersex are given a legal recognition by respecting the truth which is “third gender”. Western countries are coming around and also recognizing the “third gender” which allows people the freedom to live in truth and respect instead of secrecy and stigma. If third gender exists, there will also be equal laws for the third gender to marry legally so that unsuspecting spouses don’t have to victimized and frauded into a marriage. There are intersex people who feel male or female or neither or both (as in third gender). Regardless what is important to recognize is allowing a person the freedom to feel what they want including spouses of intersex – a hybrid model of east and the west, truth with compassion.
  • Immigration rights for same-sex marriages did not exist in the US pre-2013 (DOMA). What if an intersex person committed immigration fraud and got into the US while thousands of other same-sex couples waited years if not decades for their equal rights? If we can show compassion to an intersex person for immigration despite laws having been broken, why not show compassion to an innocent IVF girl child for immigration?
  • A person with CAIS is a genetic male and sadly is infertile. When an IVF child is born, should a genetic male be allowed to “breastfeed” an IVF child when there is no milk? And if thats OK, then why can’t the biological father also take the same hormones and try to lactate and breastfeed the IVF child? It is sad enough that the IVF child has been taken away from the surrogate without any breast milk and then to subject him to abuse and starving him due to lack of milk in the breasts of genetic male. There are adoptive mothers or non-surrogates who have successfully breastfed adopted or IVF children with hormones. Two big differences – one is they are female and the second is presence of milk. Wishful thinking is great but not at the cost of secrecy and lies about abuse of an innocent IVF infant. How many mothers come home with infants from hospital and ask the fathers to breastfeed? Try to get in the shoes of an IVF father. If this is not child abuse, what is? What is the “greater good” in robbing candy from a child?

The lessons to be learnt are from Tony Briffa and Edie Windsor who accept the facts and respect the laws. They are educating and
spreading awareness for the greater good. Secrecy, lies, breaking the laws is a dead-end and does no good to anyone – the truth may help just one if not all and if done right at the very least truth may not hurt anyone.