Tag Archives: brother

I Cannot Raise My Son Because I Am Raising His Sister – My Daughter

I love my son very much, I miss my son very much, I miss him missing out on growing up with a sibling he wished for. As one struggles through the IVF-Crueltyinadequacies of the laws for intersex, immigrant, IVF families of 2000s, one has to wonder why punish innocent, voiceless children? Any system of justice is based on a few basic assumptions – (1) To punish an innocent is far greater crime than delivering justice to millions. (2) Justice delayed is justice denied. (3) Justice should be repeatable meaning whatever the outcome is, others should be able to benefit from it without breaking any laws. (4) Humans are not perfect, laws are not perfect but to discriminate and punish innocent child victims is a far greater crime against their humanity. And then to justify the discrimination by shoving it under the carpet is not working towards a solution rather only further victimizing innocent victims. I, a male immigrant, an IVF father cannot be with both my two IVF children at the same time because the laws do not allow us. Perhaps having children through IVF as a male was so heinous a crime that both me and my innocent IVF children should be punished for it. My innocent son cannot read bed time stories to his sister (like I used to read to him and promised my son that he can do the same with his sibling) is because my innocent IVF children are born of an immigrant, IVF father. My daughter cannot kiss and hug her brother like she wants to because my innocent IVF children are born of an immigrant, IVF father. Abuse me, why abuse my innocent children? Discriminate against me, why discriminate against my innocent children?

If it were 1800, when slavery was legal, to suggest to a person that if they don’t want to be a slave, they should change their skin color may have been “legal” for the time. But its 2000s and times have changed. If I were that person, I would keep my skin color the way it is and rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights for me and everyone like me. A story of an immigrant, IVF father in 2014 is similar, rather than “accomodating” to the discriminatory laws of today, would rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights of IVF children and families.

Left with whether to live in US with a comfortable job and enjoy my IVF son grow up OR raise my IVF daughter stuck in India because she is born to a US father? What would you do? Could you sleep knowing you abandoned a child you wanted and consented to? I do not know what birth mothers feel like who have had to give up their children due to their personal circumstances. I am sure it hurts them with a big hole in the heart that no one can see. What does an IVF parent feel when forced to give up their child due to lack of laws – that we do know? When a man abandons an innocent child, he could be the child’s father, the husband to the mother of the child, or an abandoner of the child. What “name” will the mother of the child refer him with – Husband, Father or Abandoner? When an IVF parent is abandoned with an IVF child, what do you call the other intended IVF parent who also consented to the IVF child but decided later to not want the child? It is NOT about whether someone is raising a child well, it is about were laws broken and whether that’s what the child wants, if the child is happy, can he be happier? Ms. Pettway raised a wonderful daughter – someone so smart that she figured out she had been removed from her birth family at 19 days. What does the innocent child victim want? It is not the “standard yard sticks” of whether the child is getting food, shelter, water, education, freedom, be allowed to grow and develop. It is about right Vs wrong. It is about truth Vs. lies. It is about respecting laws Vs. breaking laws. It is about being honest to the innocent children – the ultimate jury. I do not know what surrogates feel like when they give the IVF child to the intended parents? Some feel “mission accomplished” because they were able to help a fellow human being. If “intended parents” are given rights to an IVF child, should the “intended parents” also share the responsibility and accountability for the welfare of the IVF child? Because without the consent of “intended parents” and their finances, there would have been no IVF child. What if the “intended parents” decide to abandon an IVF child? What are the rights of the IVF child? Who cares for the welfare of the IVF child that the “intended parents” consented to? Is the IVF child a human being who deserves basic human dignity and respect or can they be discarded with no consequences? I suppose if a person who needs a heart, can create a clone, rip their heart out and use it for themselves fully knowing that without a heart, the clone cannot survive but I suppose that’s the “clone’s problem” and not the person who consented and paid for the clone, right? Because they must have a heart at all costs or they will die. Is all human life equal? Whether its a clone, an IVF child, a beggar, a poor man, a rich man, an IVF father, an immigrant, an intersex person, a DNA mismatch IVF parent, etc – are they all equal?

Humans have dealt with infertility since humankind has been around. Infertility affects “humans” and not just a man or woman. But the fertility laws are not reflective of these facts. It is one thing to discriminate and abuse a human based on color of their skin OR their caste OR their nationality OR their gender OR their sexual orientation but to discriminate innocent children based on their parent’s actions flies against everything we consider dignified and civil about humanity in 2000s. May be it was a heinous crime to try and help an intersex, immigrant person in 2000s where laws itself fall short? As we struggle to make sense of this madness, we cannot find a precedent. Surely, it must have happened to someone else but infertility is dealt with secrecy and lies meaning not too many people talk about it (we didn’t!). Or dealing with IVF is too new and there simply are not laws which have caught up with technology. Regardless how we end up as a community in the future there will be equal rights for IVF children and families, and even then SPLITTING innocent IVF brother and sister will still be wrong.

The authorities claim no laws have been broken yet they cannot cite a law which allows a US parent to bring an IVF child born outside the US with no genetic link. By denying facts, will it magically help other innocent IVF children and families who run into DNA mismatches and lack a genetic link? The authorities claim same-sex immigration was made possible in 2013 yet they cannot explain why no laws were broken if it were done before then. The right answer is to change the laws and not break the laws. People who break the laws are criminals. A criminal is also someone’s sister or brother, someone’s son or daughter, someone’s father or mother but they broke the laws and for that should their innocent children be punished? Do current laws allow US parents with no genetic link to bring a child born outside the US? Is “wishful thinking” in line with current laws? Is SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings due to lack of laws and its manipulation the best answer? It is clear laws have been broken, it is clear that humans who help others have no protection or justice from the system, it is clear two innocent IVF siblings are being punished for crimes they did not commit. Will we continue to solve this using secrecy, lies, deception, denials, apathy, threats, persecution or actually grow a spine and take action and change laws so this never happens again?

Attempted Death of an IVF Parent and his IVF Children

Imagine being at the top of a waterfall, the scenic beauty, the flowing water and the radiant top of the world feel. Imagine being on theivf-saving-children banks holding your 5 year old kid’s hand and talking to him about his little sister. Just then a tsunami strikes and you are in the water with one hand holding your son’s hand who is on the river bank and in your other hand you have his new born sister who is facing downstream towards the waterfall. What would you do? If you let go off the infant, it’s guaranteed death either by drowning or the fall when she hits the waterfall. On the other side, if you try to save the infant you have to let go of the hand you are holding your son with. The water is rushing, it’s a tsunami, you have to think fast, not much time, what will you do? Save the infant or save the 5 year old – you are a parent to both children and love them equally?  Or take the plunge down the waterfall with the infant and give her a fighting chance to survive or die trying to save her. You could just let go off the infant and save your 5 year old and have another child.  What would you do? Oh yeah, the infant happens to be the sibling that your son wants.  So if you let her go, what will you answer your son? As a fellow American, the question to ask the soul of America is does the US condone behavior where US persons give consent to have an IVF child abroad through a donor and surrogate and later abandon the IVF child with no responsibility or accountability towards the innocent IVF child or the surrogate? If they had done the same in the US, would the US legal system have prosecuted them and at the very least made them accountable for the welfare of the child? Are the needs of an IVF child just the same as other children to grow, develop and prosper? Then why is there discrimination? What’s next – illegal human cloning to get a heart or other organ a person wants regardless of what happens to the clone once the heart is salvaged? Do other people including innocent children have rights? The worst is that innocent, voiceless children are the victims and being discriminated. No parent, IVF or otherwise, mother or father, wants that for their child. Time will tell whether saving an infant from drowning at a waterfall or allowing them to die is a better choice? It is a choice that no parent should ever have to make – IVF or otherwise, mother or father, fertile or infertile, immigrant or citizen, human or not. As a parent, is it better to die OR to survive and be able tell the truth so that no more innocent, voiceless victims suffer? Maybe the plan was for the IVF parent to die either from trauma or by suicide so no legal challengers exist. But he survived, his daughter survived, the sister survived, the brother survived and now its time to UNITE the innocent IVF brother and sister and NEVER have innocent IVF children be used as leverage or “tools” in the war on fertility. Most people when they approach a river, they admire it’s beauty. If its a fast downhill river with white water rapids, they admire that or if it’s a slow river, they admire the calm and serenity. Either way they admire it from the outside, perhaps take a few pictures for memories and go on. Most people do not step into the river to see the depth or is the bottom rocky or muddy or does it have vegetation, shrubs, plants, snakes, reptiles, etc. underneath the water. Even if they get knee deep, it’s not deep enough. For that, one needs to put their face inside the water to see what’s really going on. And that’s how one has to deal with the world of being an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. If you do the deeds, you will know the needs. The bigger question for humanity is do innocent children have their own human rights OR are they property of adults? Does an innocent brother have a right to grow up with his sister and vice versa? Do innocent children who have been used as chattel, leverage, tools, abandoned for personal ulterior motives have rights as a human being and do they deserve basic human dignity and respect?

Corollaries Between IVF and Travesty of Justice

There are several current events which bring attention to the travesty of justice and the plight of innocent IVF children who were born ahead of their times. Do we as humanity ivf-travesty-of-justiceincluding the compassionate egg donors, the surrogates, the IVF clinic who all had their compassionate hands in bringing these innocent children into the world simply stand on the side as atrocious crimes are occurring against the innocent IVF children or do we raise our voice and say the truth? Here are some corollaries to the plight of innocent, voiceless IVF children and the travesty of justice. The American Way is to maintain transparency, find a corrective action for the benefit of others and move forward. Shoving the issues of intersex, immigrant, IVF family under the carpet is not a solution.

Travesty of Justice – Need to Move Forward with Truth

1) Its not 1958, its 2014
If men were having babies, we’d have different policies.” – said US President Obama on March 20, 2014
If gay men or single men or intersex men who have babies through IVF with help from compassionate egg donors and surrogates, do they have equal rights as parents? More importantly do their IVF children have equal rights? US President Obama is a LGBTI rights supporter but still does not grasp the fact that US laws are archaic when it comes to lifestyles of LGBTI families. In 2014 and before, men are already having babies through IVF  and are the primary caregivers for their IVF babies, where are the EQUAL rights if not for the parents sake then at least for the sake of innocent, voiceless IVF children, Or do we have to wait till 2058? It is not that Obama would NOT support equal rights for IVF children and families, it is more so that most people are oblivious to the state of affairs relating to IVF and the implicit injustice.
2) Russia, Crimea and the West
‪Russia‬ prevented adoption of a resolution today. But it cannot change the aspirations and destiny of the Ukrainian people. And it cannot deny the truth displayed today that there is overwhelming international opposition to its dangerous actions.” — Ambassador Samantha Power after a ‪UN‬ Security Council Vote on a Resolution on ‪‎Ukraine‬, March 15, 2014
Replace “Russia” with “US Justice System” and “Ukraine” with “IVF Children” and you will get the gist of our case. As an intersex, immigrant, IVF family, we may be ahead of our times but are not wrong. The status quo states only way for an IVF parent to enjoy custody of his IVF son is by abandoning his IVF daughter, the sister that his son wanted and implicitly SPLITTING innocent siblings. It will take time to sink in and when it does, everyone will realize that saving an abandoned child and uniting the innocent children is the only right answer. It is a fact that US laws have separated the innocent siblings, although inadvertently, because the perpetrators and her co-conspirators manipulated the US justice system. Now that the truth is known, now that IVF brother wants to be with his IVF sister, is the US Justice system listening to the victims or is in denial about having been manipulated? It is time to move forward and the simplest answer is in uniting the innocent siblings. Punishing innocent for crimes they did not commit is not justice. Especially punishing innocent, voiceless victims who are children who have been exploited is not the right answer.
3) Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
“The international aviation legal system does not anticipate the complete disappearance of an aircraft,” said Brian Havel, a law professor and director of the International Aviation Law Institute at DePaul University in Chicago. “We just don’t have the tools for that at present.” – March 19, 2014
Similarly, the international legal system does not anticipate dealing with an intersex, immigrant, IVF family in the 2000s. There simply are NO tools for this scenario. So SPLITTING the innocent IVF siblings is the best answer we can offer. By the time the “powers-to-be” figure it all out, the innocent childhoods will have been expired and they will have grown up into adults. All we will have left is a “SORRY” like saying sorry to an exonerated man who has been convicted for a crime he NEVER committed. The irony of course is that while exonerated convicts are mostly freed and proven right based on DNA evidence, the same DNA evidence is NOT utilized in the best interest of innocent children. Instead the GENDER of the male IVF father is used against the innocent children. Abuse a male all you want but can you please leave his innocent children alone? And what about gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers, fathers in a straight relationship but have an infertile spouse, what about the IVF children of such fathers, should they also be similarly persecuted or spared? The only right answer to this complex situation is uniting the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings.
4) Change in treatment of IVF mothers and IVF immigration laws.
In January 2014, US Secretary of State John Kerry released a directive which would allow IVF mothers who only carried their IVF children to term “at par” for immigration purposes. Current US laws require a “genetic link” between US parent and a child born outside the US. As a result, if an IVF mother had used donor eggs but carried the IVF children to term and physically gave birth to the IVF children outside the US, the innocent IVF children would NOT be considered US citizens because the IVF mother had “NO Genetic Link”.
We applaud this move and it is a step in the right direction, especially from the perspective of the innocent IVF children. When will IVF children of IVF fathers get similar EQUAL laws? If an immigrant IVF father has an IVF child outside the US then the IVF child must be born to a “US Citizen mother” OR “US green card mother”. If the IVF father used donor eggs and surrogate in a foreign country then without a “US mother” he cannot get his IVF child to the US even though he has a “genetic link”. Or should IVF be banned for gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers, fathers in a straight relationship but where the woman is infertile?
Why is there discrimination onto the innocent IVF children based on a parent’s biology and gender? When will justice arrive and when will the laws catch up with technology?

IVF Lessons from Glenn Ford Exoneration

In a recent story about an innocent man, Mr. Glenn Ford, being exonerated brings both joy and frustration. The frustration is multiple fold that andna-exoneration-ivf innocent human was continually victimized. The joy is two fold – an innocent victim finally gets the freedom he deserves and second the silver lining that the US court has the strength and courage to admit its mistake and give credibility to an honest justice system based on facts. Mr. Jonathan Fleming also was exonerated for a wrongful conviction after 25 lost years.
“Glenn Ford is living proof of just how flawed our justice system truly is. We are moved that Mr. Ford, an African-American man convicted by an all-white jury, will be able to leave death row a survivor.”
“Vedant was split from his primary care provider, his father AND his sister he wanted because the comradrie involved were clueless about intersex, immigrant, IVF issues and laws. Maulik, a non-white and the father has survived abuse and torture but will Vedant and Medhavi get an opportunity to grow up together as intended or will they be punished for their IVF father’s gender?” If the same two children had been born to an IVF mother, would they have been split, then why the discrimination against the innocent IVF children?
What are the similarities of injustice and lack of due process?
1) While Mr. Ford spent over 30 years in prison for crimes he did not commit, there is no way an immigrant, IVF father can compare their situation other than respect for Mr. Ford. Mr. Ford was on death row while Maulik’s life is saved due to the love and support of family when placed into the most heinous situation.
2) The first comment Mr. Ford made after being freed is “he missed out on his son’s growing up“. Same here…we are missing out on Vedant growing up AND above all, we are missing Vedant on missing out growing up with Medhavi – a sibling he wanted –  we are just the messengers.
3) DNA evidence exonerated Mr. Ford, DNA evidence would also exonerate Vedant and Maulik. US laws require a DNA test for children born outside US, why were these rules not followed and now that it has been brought to the attention of the appropriate authorities, why is their refusal/denial to conduct the DNA tests  as required by US laws? A simple test would offer a chance to not one but TWO innocent childhoods to grow up together as intended.
4) The lawyers for Mr. Ford argued that “his trial was compromised by the unconstitutional suppression of evidence and by inexperienced counsel“. Ditto, same here. The difference is we NEVER got “due process” or a trial in court and implicitly neither did the innocent children get “due process”. All we received was intimidation like the false criminal charges of child abuse and contempt of court. Everything was done underhandedly either deliberately or being inexperienced in dealing with the complexity of an intersex, IVF, immigrant, international case in a Texas court. Regardless, has justice been served to Vedant and Medhavi – the real innocent victims wrongfully convicted to grow up separately? or do we have to wait 30 more years? No shots were fired but two innocent childhoods have been murdered because an infertile person who happens to lie and break laws must have a child. Maulik was the primary care provider for Vedant because the spouse was under medical treatment (something that the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has since called for a STOP), have Vedant’s feelings due to this close bond with his primary care provider (Maulik) been upheld or has the truth been shoved under the carpet? If “due process” was allowed, all the facts would have been submitted to the court. Without “due process”, there is no fair justice – it is single-sided much like it was for Mr. Ford and previously for the “Scottsboro boys”. The difference is the biggest innocent victims here are voiceless children.
5) The silver lining for here is the fact that a US court has the courage to accept its mistake and make it “right” even if after 30 years instead of shoving the truth under the carpet and create more innocent victims.
6) The issues we are dealing with are too new for 2000s. In the future when equal intersex rights exist, equal IVF children and family rights exist, equal immigration rights exist, abandoning children like Medhavi will still remain a crime regardless of “jurisdictions”. For its a crime against the humanity of the innocent IVF child. If innocent children in Thailand or Afghanistan can get justice from a US court for actions committed by US persons without the children ever setting foot on US soil, I am sure Medhavi deserves justice too. It may not be the Texas court we are in or maybe it is but will continue to find that court where Medhavi gets justice because she and other IVF children like her do not deserve this abusive and heinous treatment.
7) The crux of the case is abandoning a child and splitting siblings. If the two children were growing up together, would we have spoken up? If Medhavi were not abandoned and had the divorce been filed AFTER getting Medhavi to the US, could one have got custody of Vedant given the legality of marriage in question both in India and US, no biological link to children, and Maulik would have been a US Citizen by then while the spouse would still be a green card holder obtained via marriage whose validity itself is in question. Would she have been thrown out of the US for immigration fraud? No one will ever know, however, we do have a living breathing human life in Medhavi who deserves basic human dignity and respect and NOT to be used as a tool to secure her brother. Medhavi deserves justice and until her perpetrators and co-conspirators are roaming freely, it is not safe for us.  Medhavi has been used as leverage by an infertile person who happens to lie and her co-conspirators. We are simply picking up the pieces and trying to survive. What possible calamity had come upon the spouse to not come to India when Medhavi was born? Or was it pre-planned? 
8) In another case, a US Citizen IVF mother is NOT residing in the US with her now US Citizen IVF children (after waiting for 4.5 years). Again giving a ray of hope. So it is possible to live freely – the court needs to understand the facts first. If Maulik were a woman and was an IVF mother, would the IVF children – Vedant and Medhavi have been split? You may not want to accept it but this is a clear case of gender discrimination which is actually punishing innocent children. Gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers, IVF parents (mothers and fathers), we stand united.
9) The real issue is not whether Vedant is a US Citizen or not. The real issue is it has been 1635 days and counting since the siblings were deliberately and pre-meditatively SPLIT. As an immigrant, IVF father in 2000s, we are doing something about it and upholding Vedant’s wishes and rights. What has the other party done about uniting the brother and sister – if not for her sake then for sake of Vedant whom she claims to love dearly? What has the US government done in upholding Vedant’s rights if they claim he is a US Citizen? The US government does have a “humanitarian parole” at its disposal to make “exceptions”, why has the US Government not exercised humanitarian parole in the case of Medhavi? I cannot think of a better case to utilize the humanitarian issue. The Texas Court is part of the “US Government”. There is a shared responsibility here and we have to put the children’s best interest first…have other parties done that?
10) Maybe as IVF parents and children it is about time to question the system in a civilized, dignified and humble way? We need an option that preserves our basic human dignity and respect instead of further victimizing us. Suppose that one has been drinking the Kool-Aid too long, we know we did. The US is the “go-to” country when it comes to upholding human rights but in our rarest of the rare cases, it falls short. It is the ability of the US to accept the truth and move forward with leadership while setting an example for others, this is the slice where we lay hope for innocent IVF children and families. An IVF father has to be more patient than an IVF mother, a fellow IVF mother was patient for 4.5 years, Maulik has been patient for 4.6 years and counting, lets see how many more? They certainly cannot hold Vedant captive beyond his 18 years of age and truth will be known – perhaps there may even be new and equal laws by then which would prevent such heinous situations from occurring proving that we are on the right path and on the right side of history. Maulik always has been about upholding human rights – first with an intersex spouse and lack of rights both in India and the US and now IVF children and families.
All we ask is justice for innocent, voiceless IVF children. It may hurt the ego but it is about doing the right thing for the innocent children, it is not about us adults.

IVF Fiction : Top 10 False Claims About IVF Children and Families

Below are 10 claims justifying separating innocent IVF brother and sister, followed by the facts that the assertions ignore or distort. The irony is that bysiblings-together-ivf denying facts, we are denying justice and more importantly not willing to change the laws which means only more innocent victims. When will we wake up and accept the facts and deliver justice? If a mother tries to unite her children, does a father have the same rights to unite his children? More importantly, what do the siblings want – is it about their lives or others lives?

Claim 1 : There is only one child of the marriage.

Fact : When the divorce was filed in the US, the second IVF sibling was on the way and 6 months term in a surrogate’s womb with every intention of having both siblings grow up together. Why was the IVF pregnancy deliberately NOT declared in the divorce petition? Was abandoning the second IVF child pre-meditated? The divorce was filed in July 2009, the second child was born in September 2009, the divorce was granted in May 2010. How is there ONLY ONE child of the marriage? If the siblings were united and no child was abandoned, there would be no discussions or issues. Are we denying rights to innocent IVF children by making them legally invisible? Is this a repeat of baby scoop era simply because IVF fathers, families, children are not yet “socially acceptable”?

Claim 2 : The IVF children born in a marriage have equal rights

Fact: As per prevailing US laws, IVF children born to IVF fathers like Maulik using an anonymous donor and surrogate are considered “child born out of wedlock”. Its confusing, is there a “marriage” or not?

Claim 3 :  IVF children and families have equal rights and are not discriminated

Fact : This is only an issue because an innocent child is being alienated from his siblings and family. Plus, the US laws have been heartlessly enforced on other IVF families to separate loving families. US law requires a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US, the right answer is to fix the law and NOT alienate innocent IVF siblings. When a DNA mismatch occurs, why can’t the innocent IVF child still be allowed to grow with the intended parents if they do not mind? Is parenting based on love and character or biology and gender?

Claim 4 : I am the mother suggesting also the primary caregiver.

Fact : Being a mother and primary caregiver are two separate things. How does a person recovering from multiple severely traumatic surgeries and medical treatments who has taken leave from work due to physical ailments ALSO be a primary caregiver for an infant? One of the surgeries is so severe has been called for a STOP by the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture – what are the effects of this torturous treatment to the patient, spouse and children around them? There is sympathy and compassion and maybe someone else took the position of “primary caregiver” – maybe the other adult in the family – Maulik, the biological IVF father? In an IVF family where a child is born using an anonymous egg donor and surrogate and the father is the primary caregiver during the tender years of the IVF child, who is the “stereotypical mother”? More importantly, what are the feelings of the innocent child who has bonded with the father based on facts and not stereotypes?

Claim 5 : I love the child.

Fact : No one doubts that. But do you love yourself more? Do others love the child LESS? One cannot abandon a sibling to get custody of her brother. What will the brother and sister feel by denying them a childhood together? Do the innocent IVF children have basic human dignity and respect or are they property to be trafficked and abandoned and placed in legal limbo with no regard for their humanity? Denying facts is denying justice. There are still people in this world who deny the Nazi holocaust, is that justice for the millions of victims and survivors?

Claim 6 : This marriage is legal.

Fact : This is an intersex marriage. Any laws are based on a simple fact – that it should be repeatable. Can other intersex people ALSO legally marry in India, immigrate to the US as a derivative spouse of a marriage and get US citizenship as per prevailing laws? The right answer is to accept the facts, change the laws for all intersex families instead of creating victims out of people who tried to give human rights to people where government itself felt short. Are human rights of such people protected? Or is the message to NOT help intersex people?

Claim 7 : The son deserves to be with his [biological] father.

Fact : This is what the US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said in 2009 about a son, Sean Goldman, in Brazil being united with his father in the US. Sean was living with his biological maternal grandparents and step-father, were they not giving him food, shelter, education, opportunity for growth or was he being abused – the “standard” gauges used by courts? The rights answer is do the right thing. Why is Vedant being alienated from his father, his primary caregiver, his sister, his extended biological family?

Claim 8 : Intersex people have equal rights, IVF families have equal rights.

Fact : Intersex people cannot legally marry, cannot have children genetically. US laws require a “genetic link” between US parent and child born outside the US. Then how does an intersex person legally get a child to the US? Abandoning a sister to get her brother is not the right answer. Breaking the laws for one person while others are still being victimized is not the right answer.

Claim 9 : IVF fathers are NOT discriminated, more importantly, his IVF children are not discriminated.

Fact : The IVF son is in the US on an Indian passport. If he is a US citizen because his father is a US citizen then given the same logic, his sister in India is also a US citizen. Why is she being DENIED a US passport? More importantly because both IVF siblings are land-locked on two separate continents, they have NEVER met. Where is the humanity, the logic to punish innocent victims for crimes they did not commit? You can fool them now as they are voiceless and too young but once they grow up, what answer will you give them – love? Truth and facts go a lot farther. Changing laws to fit the needs of the 21st century is the right answer, SPLITTING innocent siblings is not. In January 2014, Secretary Kerry issued a policy where IVF mothers who have no genetic link but gave birth to IVF children would be considered “at par” as mothers for passing US citizenship rights to IVF children. This is after years of showing rigidity. It was also made retroactive, a rare occurrence. Why not something similar for immigrant IVF father and his IVF children if not for his sake then at least for his innocent IVF children’s sake?

Claim 10: IVF family rights are isolated and rare

Fact : White, black, Asian, others, single, straight, gay, intersex fathers are ALL affected by the lack of IVF laws if they attempt to have a child through IVF. There can be a DNA mismatch, they may be immigrants, and so on. Worse, the gender of a “biological father”  is being inadvertently used to punish his IVF children – why? This problem will need to be solved in the 21st century – the sooner, the lesser innocent victims, the lesser lost childhoods.

We are confident that in the future there will be equal LGBTI rights, there will be equal IVF children and family rights. But abandoning an IVF child will still remain a crime, it will still remain a crime against the humanity of the innocent IVF child. If we have laws to protect innocent children from pedophiles, why are there no laws to protect children from IVFphiles? Moving forward with truth is the only way forward.

Happy Women’s Day – From the Eyes of an IVF Girl and Father

It’s March 8th and wish everyone a Happy Women’s Day. We all have very special women in our lives. Children of gay parents also have some special womens-day-ivfwomen in there lives starting with the compassion of the donor and surrogate to be thankful for. It is the gift of life. Let us celebrate daughters, mothers, sisters, wives, companions, friends who reinforce humanity still exists.

As an immigrant, IVF father I have been taught heartlessly that follow the laws and do not follow your heart. Worse, my innocent IVF children must be punished for my gender and for crimes they did not commit. Any parent – IVF or otherwise, mother or father, that’s where we draw the line. Abuse me, its one thing, abuse my innocent children, its a whole another issue. I refuse to agree with the “system” that following your heart is wrong and I have several women who have shown me why. Without these women, as an immigrant, IVF father who is abused and his IVF children are abused with no justice, one may have thought differently. I am blessed to have several women in my life to thank for that and today I wish them all a happy woman’s day. A person is NOT defined by how they look on the outside but its the inside that counts. We patiently wait till laws catch up and stop discriminating innocent IVF children based on their birth type and parentage.

First, it is my lovely IVF daughter. As a future woman, what should I tell her and how should I raise her? I think truth is the best option which can be told depending on her increasing levels of maturity. Any lies will have disastrous long-term effects on her own life and others around her. I am blessed to have her in my life as she brought out the best in the community. It showed humanity still exists. Not a single person has told me that it is wrong to have saved my daughter rather than abandoned her except the laws. People often confuse fight of an IVF parent Vs. fight for equal rights for IVF children. People often use references like “Frankenstein”, “Aquarium”, “child born out of wedlock”, etc. to define the IVF process and somehow its related “flaws”. Regardless of how one feels about IVF, once the innocent child is born, you are calling my IVF children such vicious names. Please do not call my child ugly – no parent wants to hear that regardless of what the situation is. If you cannot show compassion or humanity, it is better to stay silent – something a mother, a woman teaches to their children.

We thank the compassion of the donor and surrogate for allowing us to be blessed with the presence of our lovely IVF daughter. After years of failed IVF attempts to finally be successful, it was a blessing. One cannot think of abandoning her despite the circumstances. It would be a crime against humanity against the innocent, voiceless IVF child and it would be disrespecting the compassion and heart showed by the egg donor and surrogate.

We celebrate my mother, her grandmother who in her golden years instead of slowing down raised an infant girl single-handedly. She had lot of support from my father, the grandfather and several other fellow women in the community who brought her clothes, toys, spent time playing with her as an infant, helped my mother soothe and get through the tsunami of IVF. It truly does take a village to raise an abandoned IVF child. I was distraught, traumatized, almost frozen but my mother showed how to live only how a woman can. She is the pillar of why we need women in our lives. Despite her failing health, she raised my daughter with all the love and care, without fearing a conservative society, and took charge of saving an abandoned girl child. I have one life but my parents have given me birth twice and literally saved my life after this most traumatic events.

We celebrate my sister, the aunt to my daughter, who dropped everything at the drop of a hat and rushed by my daughter’s side when she was born. She has two daughters of her own who were in school and had exams but saving the abandoned infant seemed more important. Her spouse, my brother-in-law took care of the home chores and ensuring their daughters do not miss any thing out of school. Since my family was from the “boys side”, there were lot of inherent “stereotypes” to counter, lot of abuse one has to counter, but my sister and family steadfastedly stood their by my daughter’s side and did what they needed to do to get her home – safe and secure. The abuse against my gender was taken out against my innocent daughter and family including innocent women and seniors. At least the “boys side” of the family was there by the infant’s side. There is a “maternal instinct” that kicks in every woman which I could sense from thousands of miles away while in the US as my family would keep me updated over the phone. In my distraught state, I helplessly felt they were the best thing that happened to my IVF daughter whom I could not see after years of failed IVF attempts. The IVF journey itself was very exhausting that I could not get to the “last mile” of the IVF journey. I am blessed to have a sibling, a sister, who gives you unconditional love. More importantly, both my IVF children are blessed to have an aunt who has steadfastedly stood by them right since their birth. We celebrate siblings, celebrate sisters, celebrate mothers, celebrate family – where women are not just the back bone of a family but the bone one needs when tsunami strikes. Sadly, such sibling love is being stolen from my innocent IVF children by separating them.

I have been blessed to be married to a woman who is very loving, caring and understanding. She has taken to my daughter like a mother. She is patient with me as I still struggle through the discrimination, abuse and lack of due process and justice. She understands the fight is for the IVF children and not of men Vs. women. Sadly the archaic laws were written when fathers alone may not have been the “legal parent” and this places innocent IVF children who are siblings in legal limbo and abuses their human rights. Her patience and love allows an opportunity to have some semblance of a normal life – a soothing feeling to the everyday trauma. We are also blessed with a lovely child who is not discriminated against by laws since birth – a common feeling for most parents; a welcome surprise for an immigrant, IVF father – why should a parent’s actions be used against an innocent child? What about their human rights?

All the women in my life have taught one thing which is to live happily. The true worth of any person is to be able to live freely and enjoy freedom of expression and respect laws. The women in my  life are allowing me an opportunity to live freely and have taught me that there is nothing wrong in following your heart even if the laws have not caught up. 

Happy Women’s Day!

Bridging the Gap Between Morals, Ethics, Laws in IVF

Is there a difference between morals, ethics and laws? Or maybe the better question to ask is there a difference between immorality, unethical and ethics-morals-laws-ivfillegal? In most situations, everyone knows this happens and people are willing to let it slide. Maybe you saw someone misbehave with a lady and you let it slide or some people may not consider infidelity as unethical or immoral and it certainly is legal. While as adults we may let things slide as “none of my business” or “to each their own” or “I must do something”, as parents we have to ACT and teach our children the difference between right and wrong, the difference between morals, ethics, and laws. When it comes to children, should all three be the SAME? Or is that what the intent is for parents? Or should there be a “GAP” between morals, ethics, laws when raising good children – our future?

Historically, the morality gauge of a society changes first, then ethics, and finally the laws. Like over time people accepted gay rights to where there are laws. In the modern times it has taken a few decades for this. When will it be time to have social acceptance and equal laws for IVF children and families?

As per laws, a genetic link is required between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Therefore, an infertile US person cannot get a child (like an IVF child) born outside the US legally into the US. That would be breaking the law and is illegal. While finding someone who IS fertile, have an IVF child, get the IVF child into the US and then dump the fertile parent and alienating the innocent child from the biological parent is OK for the child? Is that immoral and illegal? Or what if a lawyer who helps an infertile immigrant pull this conspiracy off by abandoning an innocent IVF child in India who is the sibling of the child (that he wanted) the infertile person claims to love. Is that unethical, immoral and illegal from the IVF children’s perspective? A lawyer may have been “ethical” to their client but what about the fact that they helped in abandoning an IVF child and making them “legally invisible”? If a lawyer finds out their client has broken the law and especially where the welfare of a child is endangered, what are the ethics, morals and laws of disclosing that to the court and/or appropriate authorities? What is it to treat an innocent, IVF infant like a “tool”? What is it to use an innocent IVF sister as a “tool” against her IVF brother? Do innocent IVF children who are born have equal rights as other children?

We always hear “the best interest of the child”. What is the “best interest of children” in splitting two lovely innocent IVF brother and sister?

Is abandoning a natural born child different than IVF child? It should not be  but legally it is different. IVF children end up in legal limbo. What are the rights of the IVF child who was consented to by an adult but later the adult decided against it? What should one do with the abandoned IVF child? Unlike natural births, IVF births are deliberate and planned and comes with a more heightened sense of responsibility and accountability towards the IVF child, the donor and surrogate. When you abandon an IVF child, you are also abandoning the humanity of others including the donor and surrogate.

Are the needs of a natural born child any different than an IVF child? There shouldn’t be any difference but legally it is different. While it is a crime to abandon a natural born child, there is NO crime to do so with an IVF child (wonder if human cloning is ever allowed, is this what people will do?). While an adult will be held accountable and responsible for abandoning a natural born child, the abandoning IVF parent has no obligation towards the IVF child. Is that because the IVF child has been made “legally invisible”? It that ethical and moral and illegal against the innocent child?

Do the right thing – thats what we tell our children. Here are a few things done right:

1) DO NOT give human rights to others in private, be vocal and be public about it. The person receiving the “equal treatment” (where government itself falls short like gay rights, intersex rights, fertility rights, immigration rights) may turn it around against you. Is that immoral, unethical and illegal?

2) DO NOT break the laws for your spouse. Love, compassion, help are all one-way streets and those things are not returned to you. If you show love, compassion, help to others where laws itself fall short, when the lies are used against you, no one will help you and instead hold you “equally accountable.” Is that moral, ethical and legal? The only crime committed is not reporting the crimes which is not same as committing the crimes or intent to commit crimes.

3) DO NOT get blackmailed by liars and criminals who break laws. They will get in trouble and so will you. Worse, your innocent, voiceless IVF children may get in trouble too for no fault of theirs other than to be born IVF.

4) The RIGHT thing to do is to educate and advocate for equal rights and let the government do the right thing by passing equal rights and laws so you can also follow laws. Trying to do the “right thing” on your own like helping an infertile person have a child when it is not allowed legally, or being married to an intersex person when it is not allowed legally, or sponsoring immigration of an intersex spouse when it is not allowed legally, it will only get you in trouble and worse your innocent children in trouble. These crimes are so heinous that it pales the abuse, domestic violence and cruelty and suffering that one may have endured in trying to give equal rights to an immigrant intersex person.

Inspired by Dale Henson, IVF is here to Stay, where are the equal rights for IVF children and families?

Recently, Dallas TV reporter made one point clear that it is important to be on the right side of history and given time, things will change with greater it-could-have-been-yousocial acceptance. We need to speak TODAY with our eye on the FUTURE. In the meantime, innocent victims are being created. In 2014, a gay man coming out in NFL is “news”, will it be news in 5-10-200 years from now? More importantly, does he have equal rights? What are the rights of an immigrant IVF father and his IVF children in 2014? When will it be socially acceptable to have loving IVF fathers and not PUNISH their innocent IVF children for being born to a male?

An IVF father spends sleepless nights in US because of anxiety and calling to India to know the status of his IVF child in a surrogate’s womb in India but his “love” is “less”.

An IVF father travels across the globe multiple times to have lovely IVF children but thats not “enough” of a sacrifice and love to have equal laws.

An IVF father is denied his joy and celebration on birth of his first child 3 days before father’s day because an infertile person must not be “outed”. The feelings of an overjoyed IVF father who spent endless months of sleepless nights are LESS than the emotions of an infertile person wanting to keep everything secret. Isn’t the point to love and celebrate the child more important than a secretive, lying adult?

What happens when an immigrant IVF father tries to give human rights to a person where laws itself fall short? Are his and his IVF children’s rights protected also? Is it OK to cannibalize human rights of others to achieve your own or is it a greater good to petition for change in laws rather than break the laws?

If we can break laws for intersex, immigrant, infertile adults today, is it still a crime and will it always remain a crime to abandon an innocent, voiceless IVF child with no responsibility and/or accountability? Get on the right side of history.

An IVF father cares for his IVF child (primary caregiver) because his spouse is undergoing medical treatment but thats not “enough” of a sacrifice love to have equal laws.

Who is the “mother” or the question is who is the “primary caregiver” who shares a close bond with the child meaning what does the child want? Is the “mother” the egg donor with the genetic link or the surrogate who carried the child during the pregnancy or is it the primary caregiver through his tender years? What is the child’s “mother tongue” – the language any child learns to speak first based on their proximity and bond with their primary caregiver.

An IVF father changes his job so that he can spend more time with his IVF child while raising him but thats not “enough” of a sacrifice and love to have equal laws.

An IVF father changes diapers, feeds the child, does not abuse the child by wanting to breastfeed or shaking or snapping at him, puts him to sleep, singing home made lullabies on how the IVF father waited half a world away for his IVF child to arrive but thats not “enough” of “love” to have equal laws.

An IVF father takes the IVF child to golf days or library days or zoo days or museum days or play dates but thats not “enough” of “love” to have equal laws.

An IVF father wants to provide his child his wish, a SIBLING – again through IVF but thats not “enough” of “love” and both the IVF father and the innocent IVF child should be DENIED the love of another child/sibling. It must be a heinous crime for an IVF father to want to provide a sibling for his IVF child. Get on the right side of history.

An IVF father is placed in a Sophie’s Choice predicament in the Nazi times, pick one child over the other. Is any parent’s love divided among their children or is it shared? But thats not “enough” of “love” to have equal laws.

A gay father can tell the truth to his daughter but an IVF father cannot tell the truth to his IVF child lest an infertile person’s rights be offended. Do other people have rights including innocent IVF children?

A gay immigrant cannot bring his child born outside the US through IVF, neither can an intersex immigrant IVF father. Equality.

It is a crime to forcefully breastfeed infants by males due to lack of milk but the infant has no rights and deserves to be abused.

It is a crime to abandon a child but not when it is an international IVF child – maybe their lives are not as precious, is that what the IVF brother will think  about his IVF sister he wanted – get on the right side of history.

It is a crime to suppress facts to the court, lie to the court, perjury, filing false cases, but that’s OK because the rights of a secretive, lying adult are more CRITICAL than the rights of innocent, voiceless IVF children.

US laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and child born outside the US but that’s OK, we will just steal a child “legally” from a loving IVF father much like the “baby scoop era” and give the child to a non-genetic parent instead of changing the laws. How about getting on the right side of history?

Can one achieve human rights by cannibalizing the human rights of others? What are the rights of an intersex spouse caregiver who is frauded, lied, abused? What are the rights of immigrant, IVF fathers? More importantly, what are the rights of IVF siblings of an immigrant, IVF father?

Do current US laws which are anti-IVF create situations like Sandy Hatte, Ann Pettway where women are forced to steal, lie, fraud, cheat children from other people? More importantly, what are the rights of the child? Do they deserve to live freely? Do they deserve to grow up lovingly and carefree? Do they deserve to grow up with siblings? Do they deserve to learn to be compassionate and loving and if you follow your heart, one cannot go wrong despite the unequal laws?

Instead of saying a thousand lies to hide one lie, how about just getting on the right side of history and providing equal rights for IVF children and families. It is inevitable. Do it now while we can still save innocent childhoods rather than apologies later.

Evil IVF Cruelty Justified For Now in the Name of “Love”

It is one thing when individuals discriminate, but when institutions, governments and laws discriminate, where do you turn to for IVF-Crueltyjustice? It is an evil cruelty for an IVF family in 2014.

It is one thing for the government and laws to discriminate – it is not new but to force a parent to discriminate against their own children because their only fault is to be born IVF takes it to whole another level. Slavery was legal 200 years ago but was and still is discrimination, women suffrage for equal rights was illegal and is discrimination, racism was legal but is discrimination, apartheid was legal but is discrimination, gay rights are transitioning but is discrimination, IVF rights are non-existent and IS and WILL BE discrimination.

A gestational IVF mother is DENIED US passports for her IVF children because she used donor eggs and had no genetic link. More than four years later, the laws are changed to allow a gestational mother to get US passports for her IVF children. But a biological IVF father cannot get US passport for his IVF daughter. Why this discrimination based on biology and gender? Why this evil cruelty? Is it the love and character of a parent that counts?

Whether infidelity during marriage is a moral crime and/or a legal crime depends on the jurisdiction where the act is committed. However, if you have a child born due to the infidelity, the child is considered “born out of wedlock” and you are held responsible for the child. ALL IVF CHILDREN born to US parents outside the US are legally considered as “born out of wedlock”. So if a fertile spouse tries to have an IVF child due to the infertility of their spouse or because they are a gay couple, why should their IVF child be termed “born out of wedlock” by the laws? It is OFFENSIVE. Is there a marriage or is there not? Or is it a crime to be married to an infertile person and wanting to help and have a lovely child through IVF? As US President Obama said, “Words have meaning” and calling my IVF baby “as born out of wedlock” and the associated stigma and falsehood is offensive. There is a term for it in the English dictionary and its deragatory – it is time to update the offensive language in the laws and stop calling someone’s baby ugly. Why this evil cruelty?

If two IVF children are born the same way through the same biological parent and NOT a donor, they are brother and sister and were intended to grow up together and have a lasting bond as siblings. In 2014, these rights to innocent, voicless IVF siblings is ONLY granted if born of the same mother and is DENIED if born of the same father. The gender of the biological parent is used to discriminate against innocent IVF brother and sister. We hope to see a world when the gender of a parent will not matter as much but their love and character will matter more. After all, if you did not care about children, why would you go through so much trouble of having a child through IVF and that too after repeated failed attempts. Why this evil cruelty?

If a male gets a woman pregnant and then decides to abandon the innocent child, the male is still held accountable and responsible for the innocent child. But if an intersex person (also a genetic male) decides to abandon an IVF child leaving them in the tender care of the child’s father, the intersex person is NOT held accountable or responsible for the welfare of the child? WHY? Are the needs of the IVF child LESS than that of a natural born child? We wait for justice to arrive for the IVF child – recognition as a normal human being. Why this evil cruelty?

If a young, male, spouse leaves a marriage when the spouse is diagnosed with a traumatic condition, they may be looked down upon but they are in the majority – 83% male spouses do that. Instead if you stay in the marriage and become a caregiver giving up on your career dreams, long-term health, personal trauma, you will be in a minority and there are NO laws to protect you. If a PAID caregiver trips and falls in your house while providing care, they are covered by insurance BUT if you fall, or fall sick or breakdown or suffer or fall ill, or just end up becoming a SLAVE to the lack of rights for intersex, IVF, immigrants, there is NO insurance for you, there is NO laws for you, there is NO justice for you. WORSE, your kids also deserve to get PUNISHED. WORSE YET, your kids who are innocent and have committed no crimes get punished while the real perpetrators and co-conspirators walk free. The worst part is other intersex, IVF, immigrants cannot repeat this meaning the laws have still not changed, this person just happens to be extremely selfish (which most are) but who also happens to be a criminal who has broken laws and endangered the welfare of innocent children. Why this evil cruelty?

We look for a world when innocent get justice – when IVF children and families get justice – when innocent brother and sister are treated EQUALLY.

The American Way

If you have unequal rights, you fight for equal rights for yourself and others like you to make this a better place for all – thats the American Supreme court gay marriageWay. Secrecy, lies, fraud, breaking the laws is not. More importantly by not speaking up, the inequality continues and the much needed laws for innocent victims remain unchanged leading to continuing victimization. As a fellow American Rosa Parks said it the best, “The only tired I was, was tired of giving in.” Is it a crime to show compassion and love for human rights in your home against abuse, violence and fraud where the laws itself fall short? Is it such a terrible crime that innocent children should be punished?

Human rights for all are part of every culture. We all do the best we can. It is ingrained in our humanity. Don’t try to give human rights at home folks, it can be used against you…instead speak up and give human rights in public than your words will COUNT MORE than your actions. One needs a strong leader sometimes to make big mountains move. And that strong leader can be a combination of social freedom, political freedom, legislative freedom and others. It is not a single individual nor a single system, it is a collective. And often in this world that face happens to be America. People like the American Way.

If you are gay, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are lesbian, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are intersex, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are immigrant, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are infertile, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are IVF parent, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are immigrant, IVF parent part of an intersex family, is it OK to speak up or will you be falsely persecuted for stating facts? Will you be falsely accused and defamed? Worse, will your innocent, voiceless IVF children be punished for crimes they did not commit? Is this the American Way?

The right answer is to say the truth and have equal rights for IVF children and families.

Infertility is a very traumatic, one would know if you have had two IVF children. The laws in the US require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Then how does an infertile person legally bring a child born outside the US? Does this create circumstances where an infertile person may go to any extent including secrecy, lies, fraud, breaking the laws, false allegations to take a child away from their biological family? Does this create circumstances where an innocent IVF sister is abandoned in India while her IVF brother is land-locked in the US? Is the only way to have a child is to abandon another child, do the child have rights and if so, where are they? Is this the American way?

Is this a case of perfect child abduction and human trafficking? Since secrecy, lies, fraud and breaking of the laws was used to get an IVF child into the US instead of trying to work within the legal system, what happens to the child now? The laws have NOT changed. So only a parent with a “genetic link” can get a US Passport for the IVF child despite having fraud documentation to show an infertile person is the “biological parent” of the child. Despite having court orders to LIE to the innocent child. Despite the violence, abuse, brainwashing and alienating the innocent IVF child. How do we help the innocent IVF child? Is this the American way?

What about the innocent IVF sister who was abandoned in India cleverly manipulating the US laws. Is this a case of perfect child abandonment? If an American gives consent to have an IVF child in a foreign country and later decides to abandon the IVF pregnancy, what are the rights of the innocent IVF child? Did they ask to be born for amusement of infertile humans? Whats next? Human cloning for a spare heart? An adult can abandon a pregnancy anytime but there is responsibility and accountability towards the innocent child regardless of your gender. Is this the American way?

Like Dr. MLK, Jr., Susan B Anthony, Edie Windsor, if you experience inequality, you stand up, state the truth and ask for equal rights. It takes patience, resilience and a commitment to the truth. Thats the American Way.

Hi, I am intersex and people like me do not have equal rights. We cannot legally marry, we are infertile, we cannot legally immigrate based on marriage. May we please have equal rights? Thats the American Way.

Using secrecy, lies, fraud, breaking laws does no one any good. How will it help other intersex, infertile, immigrant, IVF people and families? Recall that “baby scoop era” is also a sad part of American history only to be rejected and single motherhood today is celebrated. Today we have truth and reconciliation commissions for the “baby scoop era” for the horrific crimes against the innocent children and their biological parents.