Tag Archives: brother

IVF/Surrogacy 2026 and Beyond

The year is 2026. The IVF/Surrogacy children of 2000s and 2010s are grown up and individuals in their own rights. A lot of people in the mainstream including heterosexual, national-son-daughter-ivf-daysingles, LGBTI are having children via IVF/Surrogacy making it NOT a taboo subject. The society is ready to discuss the issues of IVF/Surrogacy from the innocent child’s perspective. How do we respond to the already grown up children who were denied these same rights and instead discriminated because their only fault was to be born via IVF/Surrogacy? How do we make it “right”? Because the failure was for the society (us and now the children too because they are part of the same society) lacking patience and lack of understanding of the issues – the facts about the lives of the innocent children never changed.

  • How do we reconcile statelessness of an innocent child and rendering them in “IVF Prison”?
  • How do we reconcile splitting siblings?
  • How do we reconcile the fact that a child is NOT a child and does not deserve the basic human dignity and respect?
  • How do we reconcile abandonment of a child with NO justice?
  • How do we reconcile surrogate not being paid for her services because a child she gave birth to was abandoned? Is that both a financial and emotional exploitation? Is this what we refer to as “baby making factory”? Regardless of what some people believe that having a child via commercial Surrogacy is giving flames to “baby making factory”, the reality is in 2026 this is mainstream. However, not paying a surrogate and abandoning a child is NOT mainstream and NEVER will be. Both deserve basic human dignity and respect.
  • How do we reconcile the LOVE of an IVF/Surrogacy parent for their IVF/Surrogacy child or is their love LESS? A loving parent does not see a child as “deaf” or “disability” or other monikers that people and the system (through its laws) define, a loving parent sees a child as just a child, isn’t that enough?
  • How do we reconcile that there are NO services and support for a left-behind parent of an IVF/Surrogacy child? Isn’t the diapers, milk, food for the child? Then why are the same basic supplies not made available to a left-behind parent of an IVF/Surrogacy child?
  • How do we reconcile that there is NO parental leave for parents of IVF/Surrogacy children? Is the implication that the innocent child be raised by thin air?
  • Why is it that IVF/Surrogacy parents have to ask for these basic rights and that too to care for a child? As a society haven’t we already given these rights to any parent or any child? Then why this discrimination against innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and families?

We are still in 2010. Still looking for justice. Social issues have always been on the slow burner. But perhaps in the “best interest of the child”, we are hoping that making a child stateless, abandoning a child and knowingly splitting siblings will NEVER be OK.

It is upto our society, including the innocent children who are part of the society, to allow transparency and truth to prevail. The beautiful thing about truth is that it can stand on its own and does not need anyone’s support. Ironically we as a people, attach and/or associate “truth” with the person delivering it when in fact truth can stand all on its own. Similarly, one should NOT attach a “person” delivering the message about a cause, if the cause is genuine then it can stand on its own.

And if equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children is not necessary, how can we reconcile the coming changes in the laws in the next few years/decades? This means something is broken and the laws were behind technology and that’s why it’s OK to make innocent children stateless and stealing their basic human dignity and respect?

Coming To America for Justice for IVF Children

Little over 25 years ago, like many immigrants at the time and millions more before us over the centuries came to America – the promised land of truth, liberty and justiceBornFreeJustice-IVF It was an exciting time, on the fun side, movies like “Coming to America” was released which captured the American spirit of hard work and respect for all. On a more serious note, in 2015, it is again a very exciting time to “Coming to America” as an international IVF/Surrogacy children and family to get justice we deserve. Freedom to roam free and opportunity to be united as intended as a family. It is important to go through the process of justice because only then it can be fully understood the torture, trauma, abuse, injustice, horror of what we went through and this should NEVER occur again. If there is a country, a system not afraid of the truth, then it is America who can give us the basic human dignity and respect as human beings. It is this faith and hope in America where everyone is equal is what gives us the strength and courage to say the truth.

In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. – “A threat to justice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” and “Justice delayed is justice denied“. Our prayers are to let truth prevail and do what’s in the best interest of the innocent children.

On the positive side, if anyone looks at our case honestly and hollistically, more has been done for human rights where laws and governments fall short. If an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent helps by respecting human rights of people where laws and government itself fall short, who protects their rights? Or is it a crime to show compassion? Why is it the burden of innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and parent to give rights to intersex, immigrant, infertile where laws itself fall short? Isn’t that what governments and laws do? We tried and ended up splitting our world apart, it is obvious it is NOT the job of individuals. Are innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and their parents human beings too equally deserving of basic human dignity and respect?

There is no doubt that intersex marriage, immigration, legal third gender, equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families will be legal someday (1,5,10,20,50 years?) which is what we have already been through in secrecy and lies but even then abandoning a child (natural born or IVF/Surrogacy born) will remain a crime. Because that’s the America I know and love. Once a child is born, regardless of their birth type, they are equal and should be deserving of justice. Ironically, good-minded people, government officials, system, etc. say things which are offensive and is a downright discrimination based on birth type but because of the “newness” don’t realize their inadvertent offensive words and/or actions. It simply shows there is a lot more work to do to educate and spread awareness and build tolerance for IVF/Surrogacy children and families. Is building families through IVF/Surrogacy a crime? Or is it so heinous that families should be forced to be split up? Or is that the laws have not caught up with technology?

America is a great land where once the social conscience is awakened, it takes action rather than persecuting the messenger. From slavery to women suffrage to civil rights to gay rights, we have great historical lessons of justice, is it time for equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families? We are coming to America for justice and freedom – something alienated and stolen from innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings. This is a dream of an IVF parent to unite his innocent children but he is also an American and Americans don’t leave one of their own behind and nor do they ever stop fighting for truth and justice. Together we move ahead.

It’s a new dawn, 2015 is a new year. Is the world ready to embrace the ground realities and the lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? The only way forward is ahead and together. We need honesty and inclusiveness in solving complex international IVF/Surrogacy child rights and human rights issues; secrecy, lies, circumventing laws are not healthy nor are they in the best interest of the child.

Hate Crimes Against Innocent IVF Children and Family

The issue is not being intersex/DSD or infertility. The issue is secrecy and lying. When we had gone in for a medical diagnosis, it was to understand why we could nothate-crime-ivf conceive, it ws a fertility test. What we came out with is a diagnosis for Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) – an intersex/DSD condition. Ever since I was young, I always dreamt of being a father, a good parent. Having a child was very important and thats why we had gone in for a fertility diagnosis and was totally unprepared to deal with a diagnosis of CAIS. Much like a woman with PCOS or MRKH or CAH, or CAIS, no matter how hard a “couple” tries to get pregnant, without technology like IVF, its never going to happen. It was critical to understand that a CAIS couple are two males – it is not offensive, it is a scientific fact and a critical fact to understand when trying to have a child. Sugar coating it, wishful thinking is not going to produce a miraculous baby, science might be able to help! Hate crimes against anyone is wrong including hate crimes against innocent IVF children and families. Respect for all is paramount as we move ahead in 21st century with respecting diversity and IVF children and parents are part of this diversity. IVF is the new black, new gay, new orange. An innocent IVF father who happens to be part of an intersex/DSD marriage and its inherent lack of laws was left to die with his IVF child, but they survived. If you think IVF children and families deserve equal rights, please do sign the petition. 

“When this is over, I’m going to go in my son’s room, my black son, who wears his pants sagging, wears his hat cocked to the side, has tattoos on his arms, but that’s my baby, And we all ought to be thanking the Browns for Michael, because Michael is going to make it better for our sons, so they can be better black men. So they can be better for our daughters, so they can be better black women.” – said Captain Ron Johnson.

As an IVF father, when this is over, my IVF son, who is born of my sperm, anonymous donor and surrogate despite fraud documentation, who loves his father, who wanted a sibling as an IVF child of an IVF father, who wants to meet his siblings but is not allowed to, but thats my baby, he deserves his rights even though he is born IVF. And my IVF daughter does not deserve to be abandoned and be treated like a “commodity”, she is her own individual with her own human rights. It is important to speak up for rights of IVF children and families so that we have better IVF parents and people who abuse the laws and knowingly place innocent children’s welfare at risk should be punished. At the end of the day, humanity should matter.

Just like a woman undergoing fertility treatment, a man can also undergo fertility treatment. The “feelings” of despair, anxiety, loneliness, sleeplessness, sometimes happiness, parental love, are common to both an intended IVF mother OR IVF father. If a woman can dream to provide a sibling for her child, can an IVF father have the same dream? Or are we in the wrong decade/century? Are the feelings the same? Remembering one’s dreams and longing for a child are common to both intended IVF mother or IVF father. When other friends or couples are having children and people ask “Are you next?”, the sinking feeling is common to any infertile person or infertile couple. Especially where a fertile spouse is forced to hold silence for the sake of “respect” of the infertile spouse. That does NOT diminish the fact that the fertile spouse still gets a sinking feeling whenever someone makes an inadvertent comment like “Are you next?” The quizzing, questioning is not wrong because the truth has been hidden from them, the secrecy and lies is what’s wrong.

The question is NOT whether “mothers” are best OR “fathers” are less worthy of a parent, the question is what is the best interest of the child. The answer should be who is a better role model for the child and who can fulfill the needs of the child. Sadly, facts like love, compassion, honesty, integrtity are good words and philosophy, they only look good on paper, they are not worthy in evaluating a “good parent”. Sadly, human emotions do not count but laws rule our lives and so lets stick with laws regardless of how incompassionate or heinous the laws are.

If fathers are so bad then why are IVF treatments allowed for single fathers or gay fathers or intersex fathers? Shouldn’t the love and compassion be more important than the gender of a parent? Shouldn’t the dreams of an individual be more important than their lifestyle choices? Shouldn’t an IVF brother be allowed to grow up with his IVF sister he wanted than be SPLIT up? Shouldn’t the best interest of children count more than adults who lie and break laws? Does an IVF father have the right to exercise his parental rights OR should he be forced to abandon his other IVF child?

A US Court on one side cites that India has not signed the Hague Treaty on Child Abduction and therefore is justified in not allowing an Indian citizen minor to go to India and lie to him. While on the other side the US laws require a “genetic link” between US parents and children born outside the US like IVF children. The right answer is to have US laws catch up with technology like IVF. Regardless of the justification, splitting innocent siblings is NOT the right answer, especially when done knowingly. No country has laws for IVF children and families but while we as a humanity struggle to get there, why SPLIT up innocent siblings whose only fault is to be born IVF? These hate crimes against innocent IVF family need to stop whether it is 2014 or 2114 (by when, the hope is equal rights for IVF children and families will exist). Just as it was wrong in 1800 to deny rights to a slave because of their skin color despite it being legal, it is wrong to SPLIT innocent IVF children and family. Crimes have occurred because no prevailing laws allows the current scenario. What action has been taken against the people responsible for the hate crimes against innocent IVF children and family?

Bullying and intimidating an IVF father and his IVF children is not the right answer, passing equal rights for IVF children and families is the right answer. When one has been left to die but they survive, a new beginning dawns. For us, it is to legalize our IVF children because they are living human beings who deserve their basic human rights and child rights.

Happy Birthday Madiba and You Continue To Inspire US

July 18 – Madiba’s birthday – one of the greatest humanitarian of the 20th century and possibly ever. His words and actions continue to inspire us. In nelson-mandela-IVFthe 21st century, we are dealing with some sensitive and complex human rights issues as well. Come take this journey with us to understand what it means to deal with intersex (DSD), immigration, IVF (infertility) simultaneously while being forced to become invisible. The four I’s. One can understand that most people would not know the complications of dealing with the 4 I’s but if educated and made aware they can appreciate and understand why equal rights for intersex and IVF children and families is the right answer. Living in secrecy, living with lies is never the right answer. Because secrecy and stigma are the biggest culprits which may force some people to lie, cheat, fraud, break laws. How do words of Madiba resonate as we fight for equal rights in the 21st century? For those who think is the child happy, the question is can he be happier with his sibling and loving biological family? The question is will truth prevail or will he be “happy” under the guise of secrecy and lies? The question is as an intersex family, we have already witnessed and been victimized what lies do to innocent children – the result is we have two SPLIT siblings, lets NOT repeat lies in the “best interest of the children”. You would have to walk a step in the shoes of an intersex, IVF, immigrant, invisible family first before passing any judgement. Whatever judgement you pass, add a line at the end…”and thats why its OK to abandon a child AND split innocent siblings”. You will get the answer from your heart. 

1) “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

If people can offend someone by wrong words or actions, they can make it right by saying the right words or actions. If people can deny someone their rights including innocent children, they can make it right by respecting their rights. It is sad that prevailing laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US meaning an infertile person in the US can never legally bring a child born outside the US. The right answer is to change the laws and bring them in sync with 21st century ideologies. It is wrong to use secrecy, lies, cheating, fraud, breaking the laws, abandoning innocent children, placing innocent children in legal limbo to have a child at any and all costs and denying rights to several people for the sake of one. Fix the laws, dont split innocent siblings under lies – it will never be the right answer. Learn to say the truth instead of learning to lie – a good lesson to also teach our children. If someone can be taught to be selfish, we can also learn to respect all. If someone can be taught to lie, they can also be taught to say the truth because truth comes naturally.

2) “What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.”

Dealing with the 4 I’s in 2000s simultaneously is well a recipe for death. It is the secrecy and lies which will do you in. Thanks to the support of loving family and the fact that “it takes a village” to raise a child where friends and neighbours still help out is why we can cheat DEATH despite being left to die. The second life has been given to make a difference. Before we were making a difference silently and now it’s time to make a difference vocally by spreading awareness and education so that equal rights for intersex and IVF children and families become a reality. Because if these rights existed in 2000s, two innocent IVF siblings would not be growing apart. Innocent IVF siblings are victims of the war on fertility. Lets make it a better world, lets make a difference with truth and respect.

3) “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.”

For decades, medical professionals, highly educated and possibly the best subject matter experts in dealing with intersex health care relied on a concealment based approach including secrecy, lies, creating fraud medical records claiming it to be in the “best interest of the patient”. After years of objections, they were finally proved wrong despite their highest education and credentials because they had used “lies”. In fact the actions are so bad that the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP to such intersex surgeries basically amounting to calling the medical professionals actions for decades as “torture”. While the ones who perpetrated these actions will NEVER be tried, let us learn and never LIE to innocent children. It does NO good. Let us NOT lie to IVF children and repeat the same mistakes. We have evidence of what happens when a system teaches and helps a person lie, they become arrogant and start lying and breaking laws which denies other people their basic human rights like an opportunity for a brother to grow up with his sister he wanted OR a son wanting to grow up with his biological father, his primary care provider OR a daughter who is left abandoned and stranded forcing her father to raise her in exile away from her brother OR ALSO ABANDON her. Education is more powerful and dealing with the 4 I’s in 2000s and is all about CHANGE. 

4) “For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

For to have the love of a child where laws itself falls short, it is not love when it has come at the price of abandoning their sibling and SPLITTING siblings OR placing both innocent IVF children at risk and in legal limbo. Do they have the freedom to go anywhere in the world and explore? Do they have a legal identity? Is making an innocent child “legally invisible” respecting their rights and freedom? Are there laws to respect the rights of an IVF child when born during a divorce? Why is there an IVF prison for innocent IVF children and families? Is it such a heinous crime to want to build families through IVF that the punishment is to SPLIT innocent siblings and parent?

5) “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

These words have carried us far and will continue to do so. How many people you know who have gone through the trauma of the 4 I’s simultaneously and lived to say the truth? If you fall for the sake of a child, is it really a “fall”? Lets learn and NOT repeat what we did for decades to intersex children by lying and forcing “societal norms”, lets not repeat the cycle with innocent IVF children and expect a different outcome. Let’s end the cycle of secrecy, lying and provide real meaning to the phrase, “best interest of the child”. As a society, let us not fall, let us rise with respect and truth.

Secrecy and stigma are the real cuplrits, lets overcome them with education and awareness while maintaining truth and respect for all.

Let Freedom Ring Free

OMG, how can an IVF father raise an IVF child? Thats the most common reaction for an IVF father living in exile raising an abandoned IVF child. Why is the focus on the “gender” of a parent? This stereotype manifests itself into laws which actually hurts innocent IVF children. And as a parent, that is more than offensive, more than traumatic and it is torturous to see your innocent child being punished for crimes they did not commit and due to their parent’s “gender”. freedom ring free ivfDiscrimination against males and females, mothers and fathers is actually hurting innocent children due to lack of laws. As a parent, all one wants is the best for their children and at the very least provide equal rights for their children. For a mentally and/or physically challenged child, the parent wants the best for their child and laws to support that, for an IVF child, an IVF parent wants the best for their child and laws to support that. Not mother, not father but a parent. While the compassion and concern is appreciated one receives as an IVF father, the real answer is to address the inadequacy of the laws in the 21st century. We want freedom, we want respect and more than anything we want equal rights for our IVF children and families.

It would be nice to see someday the question that how does a “parent” feel? Gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers are just parents. Let us not continue the discrimination with innocent children of gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers by “classifying” them. They are just innocent children of their loving parents, shouldn’t that be enough? I have a dream that someday it is the character and love of a parent that will count more than the gender of a parent. Dealing with infertility is NOT a women’s issue. Dealing with infertility is a CHILD issue. Dealing with infertility is a HUMAN issue. Let us not PUNISH innocent children due to the war on fertility.

Recently, Indra Nooyi, an accomplished individual and voted one of the top 50 most influential women in the world said that “Women can’t have it all” and it is hard to have a work-life balance. What about IVF fathers, can they have it all when it comes to loving and raising their IVF children together at home? Are the centuries old stereotypes hurting us as a society? If women are trying to break the “glass ceiling” at work, are fathers at home waiting to get equal rights? If a woman is disfranchised at work, someone still gets the job done although the woman still maybe a victim of unequal laws and stereotypes. At home, when fathers are discriminated, it is the innocent child who gets disenfranchised, a living, breathing human being – is this what our society wants moving forward? Let us not continue to give unequal rights to fathers at home which directly abuses the rights of innocent children. If women can’t have it all, can innocent IVF girl have it all? Like a legal identity, a passport to travel freely to visit her brother, see the snow, see the wild animals and explore the world?

In other news, the Indian Supreme Court recently said that women are “misusing” the anti-dowry laws to protect them instead they have turned it into a weapon. Laws are created to protect people. When people “misuse” the law, it fails in spirit of the law and is disrespectful to the legal system and endangers the welfare of innocent children. If you have a little daughter, is this what you would want to teach her which is to place innocent grandfathers and grandmothers in prison under false accusations just so that you can harass your spouse? It begs the question – If women “misuse” anti-dowry laws, what would infertile people do who cannot legally have a child without a “genetic link”? Exactly at what point do we say its enough? Perhaps when innocent children are being abused and placed in legal limbo for the selfish advantage of an infertile adult who happens to lie which breaks laws – is that enough? We all have skeletons in the closet but when those skeletons happen to be of innocent children OR compassionate surrogates rights, someone has to speak up. The TRUTH has to be told so that a change in laws can occur in the best interest of children. Children are NOT the criminals – so why should they be punished by being palced in legal limbo?

If a four year old wants to go to America to see her brother OR a nine year old brother wants to come to India to see her sister- she/he should be able to? Why deny them the right because an adult infertile person wants to break the laws for selfish advantage?

If a four year old wants to go to Canada to see the snow or go to Africa to see the giraffes and zebra – she should be able to? Why deny them the right because an adult infertile person wants to break the laws for selfish advantage?

IVF fathers are tough. Especially, ones who made multiple trips to the IVF clinics by themselves. Regardless of whether they are gay, single, intersex fathers, straight fathers, compassionate fathers, loving fathers, they made the trips alone because they wanted a child. And to ask a parent, an IVF parent to abandon their IVF child because LAWS are inadequate is insane and heartless. It questions every being of humanity within us.  If it does not raise your hairs, it should. If it raises your hairs, raise them more. Because this is a nightmare for any parent – the worst form of casteism. Where the actions of a parent are used against innocent children forever. Let the innocent children have freedom and have their own individual rights – show them true love.

If I Had a Passport…

1) I would go to America to see my brotherivf-passport

2) I want to play with my brother’s toys he shows on Skype

3) I want to spend only ONE night in America

4) I want to play in the snow

5) I want to tie Rakhi and make a drawing (card) for my brother

6) I want to go ice skating (skates with knives)

7) I want to go to London

8) I want to go see giraffes and zebras

9) I want to go dancing (Ok, don’t really need a passport for that)

10) I will become as astronaut and go to space as I will NOT need a passport.

These are the wishes of an innocent 4 year old IVF sister for her IVF brother. Two innocent siblings who have been deliberately separated due to NO CRIMES of their own. As a humanity, as a global citizen of the world, why can’t we rise above and spare the innocent children and the most vulnerable? What message do we send our future generations like these innocent IVF siblings, that breaking laws is more rewarding than changing laws? That creating human children through IVF is just a “commercial transaction” with NO responsibility or accountability for the innocent human life? In an ever increasing globalized world where services are sought globally, the laws, the legal jurisdictions need to become ONE in cases where the impact is global. Especially where the “service” involves innocent human children. We cannot and will not allow our innocent children to be used as “human chatal” rather as a beacon of hope that change is coming. IVF is all about change, are the laws ready for it?

Help UNITE innocent IVF siblings by securing a passport. http://chn.ge/1oltFl5

The IVF Survival Guide – What If..?

The US laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Here is an IVF Survival Guide.IVF-Survival-Guide

1) What If an infertile couple decides to have a child outside the US through IVF, only one of the parents would have the “genetic link” either the sperm or the egg, and that biological parent decides to abandon the IVF child for whatever reason BUT the “non-biological parent” wants the child to raise and love, can they legally get the innocent IVF child to the US?

2) What If there is a DNA mismatch and due to the accident there is “no genetic link” between US parent and child born outside the US, should the intended parent(s) live in exile or abandon the child? Is the love for the child any less due to the accident? Do the laws reflect “intent” or archaic and antiquted laws still playing catch up with technology?

3) What If a gay couple or a lesbian couple decide to have a child but the biological parent decides to abandon the child, can the left-behind (non-genetic) parent legally get the child to the US?

4) What If an infertile person wants to have a child, can they get a child into the US legally with “no genetic link”?

5) Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment which is in the “best interest of the innocent, voiceless IVF children”? Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment where some infertile people go to any length to SPLIT innocent IVF siblings just to that they can have a child? What about the rights of the innocent IVF children? What about the rights of a brother wanting to be with a sister? What about the rights of an innocent child to live WITHOUT legal limbo?

6) Will the justice system acquiesce to TRUTH or persecute and threaten the innocent who petition for change rather than being forced into silence? Will the justice system follow its own laws and prosecute those who victimize innocent, voiceless, vulnerable children?

7) If a rape victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the rape DID NOT OCCUR? If a sexual abuse victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the abuse DID NOT OCCUR?

8) What If a spouse of an intersex person who were both victimized by the medical community through an overt web of secrecy, lies and crimes, does that mean the intersex family was not abused due to medical negligence?

9) What If an IVF parent who attempted IVF due to infertility of an intersex spouse but forced to lie about it due to US laws for immigrants, does that mean the child is NOT IVF? Does that mean the person who is claiming to be the “mother” is ALSO the “genetic mother” including fraud documents?

10) What If an IVF parent is forced in a situation of fait accompli where he is forced to live in exile with his daughter and giving up his son, is it so heinous that the innocent IVF family should be punished and the only JUSTICE is to SPLIT them?

As a victim of intersex, infertility, immigration, invisibility, it is time to MOVE FORWARD and deal with the TRUTH. It has happened. Laws have been broken. Crimes have been committed. But to punish innocent IVF siblings by SPLITTING them is NOT the right answer. No parent would stand for injustice towards their child even if the condition is a minority because for a parent their child is everything. Justice for innocent IVF children, thats the only thing we ask. Justice against people who prey on others, lie, break laws, are criminals is for justice system to decide to establish their own credibility, for us, its about justice for innocent children, is it too much to ask?

As a humanity, one would think “best interest of the child” is paramount, how have we lost track then to impose punishment on innocent IVF children for mistakes of their parents?

Truth on Mother’s Day

This could have been a great mother’s day story and how a “village” helped to make a mother – the difference is truth Vs. lies, the difference is respect Vs.ivf-mothers-day  secrecy. A lovely IVF child was born due to blessings of a lot of good-hearted people. They deserve the thanks and recognition. The year was 2004. The month was June. A lovely IVF child was born after our first successful attempt. We were young, we were naive, we knew hat the failure rates are twice that of success rates for IVF but did not experience it. Plus it was all remote for us and done in high secrecy. The chances of failure far outweighed chances of success and there he was, our lovely IVF son, thanks to the compassion of so many people. If an intersex, infertile, immigrant parent is happy to be a mother of a non-biological IVF child today separated from his sibling and biological family, they should be thanking the GRANDMOTHER of the IVF child who taught her son to show respect for all, compassion and forgiveness. Because if we go by the laws, every law as it pertains to intersex, immigration, IVF has been BROKEN in 2000s, now what? Maulik as a father thanks his mother for all who she is and came to the rescue again at age 68 when an innocent IVF sibling was abandoned. Words cannot describe what a mother is but her actions and what she teaches her children are far more powerful.

So who is the mother? The egg donor as the laws recognize, the surrogate as the laws recognize provided she gives birth on US soil, or the biological father who was the primary care provider for the infant after birth due to the traumatic medical condition of the spouse? Since laws rule our lives, it is important to discuss based on facts and not offend anyone.

1) It was the compassion of the egg donor that gave us our IVF son and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

2) It was the compassion of a surrogate who carried the IVF child to term and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

3) The biological father stepped in as the “primary care provider” for his IVF son out of love and because the spouse was still recovering from some very traumatic medical surgeries. He did not speak up but that does NOT mean he is NOT the primary care provider. When sickness is extended over a long period of time, it takes a toll on everyone in the family, not just the patient. Add to this the complexity of secrecy, lies, breaking the laws, crimes, lack of laws, and so on makes it only worse.

4) As far as laws go, our IVF son should not exist. So what should we do with him? Is that his fault? Do we punish him into IVF purgatory for life?

5) As far as the laws go, a US parent must have a genetic link to a child born outside the US, so how do infertile Americans bring a child born outside the US legally? Does this force infertile people to lie, cheat, fraud and/or abandon innocent children so that they can have a child at any cost?

6) It was the biological father who first agreed to IVF meaning he does NOT think that infertile people are any less of a parent. He is humble and so kept the “secret”. Secrecy, lies, crimes is what is bad parenting and bad as a human being. What if truth instead of lies were allowed, what if there was respect instead of secrecy, an immigrant couple from the US coming to India to have an IVF child with help of anonymous egg donor and surrogate delivering India’s and probably the world’s first IVF child of an intersex couple. That’s the truth. Should that be celebrated with truth and respect or twisted with secrecy and lies?

7) It may be convenient to lie to others including legal authorities about being a “biological mother” of an IVF child, but does it help the child? Does it help the IVF child out of legal limbo without changing the laws? Is that being a good mother?

8) It may be convenient to hide one’s intersex surgery, one’s intersex status but does that help other intersex, infertile people get equal rights without changing the laws? Does it help the spouse caregiver of intersex who suffered in silence because technically due to fraud medical records the surgery NEVER occurred, however the abuse, the violence is real just like yesterday even after all these years.

9) Apart from being a good parent, is it equally important to to see how a parent treats others kids when it comes to good parenting? What do you think the children of Ariel Castro are thinking about their parent? Abandoning an IVF sibling, a sister, and using her as leverage with full knowledge of lack of laws for IVF children and families, just to acquire effective sole custody of the IVF brother, what is that? Is that a mother? Is that a loving mother?

10) A mother is someone who gives unconditional love and also teaches the difference between right Vs wrong, truth Vs lies, respect Vs secrecy. By living in secrecy and forcing secrecy on others, other than breaking laws, one is disrespecting the contribution of others. It is NOT about right or wrong, as humans we all make mistakes; it is about being on the right path.

11) A loving mother and father taught their son to respect all, love his spouse dearly through thick and thin, and do the “right” thing. He stayed in an intersex marriage despite being illegal and having been frauded, he became a spouse caregiver of intersex despite 83% males leaving a spouse when diagnosed with a traumatic condition, he had a child through IVF despite immigrant, IVF fathers do not exist as per prevailing laws, he raised his IVF son as a primary care provider due to the spouse’s illness and kept it all a secret as the spouse wanted and what happens in return? An abandoned IVF daughter, split IVF siblings, loss of job, career, reputation, a life created with hard work over 21 years, innocent victims of fertility. It is one thing to abuse a male, a parent, an IVF parent (lack of laws) but to abuse his IVF children is a whole another issue. No parent can stay quiet.

This Mother’s day, let’s pray and hope what all mothers do which is to bless them and more importantly, bless their children and teach compassion. If a mother of an intersex child who may go to any lengths to ensure their infertile child gets a child at any cost, what should an IVF parent do for his IVF child? What we pray for is equal rights for IVF children and families, equal intersex rights because if they existed in 2000s then a person who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant would have not felt threatened enough to split IVF siblings but keep them UNITED as intended.

IVF – 21st Century Problem

While IVF was invented in the 20th century, its true potential will be felt in the 21st century. While humans live through their emotions, our lives areemotional-abuse run by laws and publicly we are forced to live hypocritically showing no emotions. A human being with no emotions is not a human being, so lets get real. While publicly we are not supposed to talk about “personal” issues, when laws are anti-children, like anti-IVF children, it is every parent’s right to make it personal because the lack of laws have made it personal. The question is – is it a “reactive” step or a “proactive” step – regardless of the intellectual debate, its the result that counts which is innocent, voiceless IVF children need a voice and equal rights in 21st century.

1) As an IVF parent, regardless of your status – all IVF children born abroad are subjected to restrictive immigration laws.

2) US laws require a genetic link between US parent and child born abroad, then how do infertile Americans legally bring a child born outside the US? Are they forced to fraud, lie, cheat? And what if that places innocent children in legal limbo? Not ALL infertile people lie, or cheat or fraud.

3) Laws in most countries are based on “genetic link” between a parent and child meaning the person who gave sperm or egg or gave birth (womb) would be held accountable for the welfare of the child by laws. Why are “non-biological” parents not treated equally?

4) If an intended IVF parent abandons an IVF pregnancy, then only the “biological parent” is held accountable and responsible, why not the “non-biological parent” also? If you want the “gift of the child”, then you should also accept responsibility for the welfare of the child regardless of “genetic link”, right?

5) A person can be a very good parent but that’s not the point. One has to take a hollistic approach. Ms. Ann Pettway was a good parent, and from what is reported, Mr. Ariel Castro was a good parent. But once the truth came out, they were both held accountable for their crimes. Where do you rank a person who abandons one child for another child? Where do you rank a person who abandons a sister for her brother? Where do you rank a person who alienates a brother from a sister that he wanted? Some infertile people, NOT ALL, do bizarre things in the white collar crime world to have a child at any costs, where do you fit in this international, immigrant, IVF conspiracy of the 2000s to have a child at any and all costs?

6) The prevailing laws do not allow an intersex person to marry, an infertile person who is an immigrant to bring a child born outside the US as per laws, and lets say someone consistently lies and breaks the laws, they have helped themselves, have the helped the innocent child? Has his rights been protected or has he been placed in legal limbo? Have they helped other intersex people to be able to marry legally, have they helped other infertile people to legally have an IVF child?

There are laws for domestic violence, domestic abuse, physical abuse. As we fast forward through the information age, mental health is going to become a critical aspect of hollistic care in 21st century. A human being’s health solution will become part of both physical health and mental health. There will be laws against mental abuse, mental violence, mental hardships irrespective of gender, nationality, immigration status, etc. There will be family caregiver rights. As humans, we move forward and using, abusing, and discarding people is NOT moving forward.

Just like the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP to intersex surgeries begun in the 20th century, for the same reason to split up IVF siblings, IVF families on the basis of 20th century archaic laws is also torture and abuse. To people who are still reading this, some may agree and some may not, but then again being an immigrant, intersex, IVF family in 2000s is too early for its time. It will take some time to sink in and understand how the secrecy and lies do not help anyone. And how the lack of laws ruin even the best of intentions. The lack of laws exist because of secrecy and lies. And this cycle has to be broken through education and awareness. In a democracy, any minority  gets equal rights only through support of the unaffected majority. That is civil disobedience as Gandhiji championed and then Dr. King and then Madiba – some parts of the 20th century worth taking with us into the 21st century.

What Does Equal Intersex Rights Mean and Would You Teach Your Child That?

Its 1999. You are Intersex. Legally, you cannot marry. Biologically, you are infertile and cannot have a child. What does one do? Being intersex is a Shared parentingnaturally occurring condition meaning it is not the intersex person’s fault. However due to secrecy, stigma, lack of laws the situation is made worse. If you are a parent of an intersex child, what would you teach your child – to lie or say the truth? If you are a parent of a non-intersex child, what would you teach your child – to respect all or to discriminate? Every murderer is someone’s child, brother or sister, uncle or aunt, father or mother but they are still murderers. A murderer can be straight, gay, lesbian, intersex or different races, different genders – none of it matter, they are first a criminal then everything else. Every criminal who lies and breaks the laws is a criminal. Every criminal who coerces others to lie and break the laws is still a criminal. The question is what do we do as a society with criminals? Because when criminals get away with one crime, they tend to repeat their crimes creating more innocent victims.

As a parent, what will you teach your child about intersex rights? Will you say that all humans are created equal? Will you say that anyone should have the right to marry anyone? Will you say that despite being infertile, if a human has means to adopt or do IVF, they should be allowed to raise and love a child? Will you say that it is the love and character of a parent with a child which is more important than biology or gender of the parent? Most people would agree with this in 2014 despite the laws not in agreement. What do we do when a person who has followed all these tenants but still ends up being abused, victimized, persecuted for raising the voice and saying the truth? Worse, the children of that person are punished for crimes they did not commit.

It is a fact that up till 2000s, an intersex family who is also an immigrant and IVF family do not have rights and have to live in secrecy. In 2014, some things have changed but have a long way to go. More importantly, what protection does the government provide to victims who tried to give human rights to intersex people where laws itself fall short? Victims can be both innocent adults and children. Do they also have their own human rights? Or are they slaves of the lack of laws for intersex rights? And the strategy of secrecy and lies which has been used for decades/centuries in dealing with intersex will now be repeated on innocent immigrant, IVF families and children? How is that a solution of any kind? Are you on the right side of history?

Once the laws have conquered the human rights issues of today – race relations, disability relations, sexual orientation, marriage equality for all, gender relations, there is the NEXT – equal rights for IVF children and families. As victims of a triple whammy (intersex, immigrants, IVF) – what legal recourse do such victims have? When a death row victim who has been incorrectly convicted is exonerated based on DNA evidence, what do they feel like? The state gives them some compensation but can they restore the lost years of human dignity, the missed hugs and kisses of their little children, the missed opportunities to get an education and have a decent shot at a decent life? No amount of money can replace this and it is plane WRONG. One has to wonder what is worse – convicting an innocent human being and then exonerating them or just wrongfully killing them under the pretense of “law”.  The basic assumption why legal systems work is the notion of “fairness”. If the laws are anti-intersex then should people petition to change the laws or should people break the laws? And where is the “fairness” for immigrant, IVF families who are also part of an intersex family and its lack of laws?

With history on our side, regardless of what laws are enacted in future for equal intersex rights, equal IVF children and families rights, SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings due to lack of laws will still remain WRONG – just like wrongfully convicting an innocent human being for death row. Simple DNA evidence can prove the facts in accordance with the laws, why not use it?