Tag Archives: abandon

Progressive Vs. Stereotype

There is nothing status quo about this case, so why start “status quo” now? In an international case of immigrant, IVF children and dysfunctional intersex family, what side would you be on? Not just today, but in the next 5-10-Move-Forward-IVF50-100 years when there will be equal laws for both intersex and IVF children  and families. One can use anti-gay laws, anti-IVF laws, anti-immigration laws in 2009 to deny the rights of an IVF child, but they cannot continue the discrimination forever. In 2013, gay rights and intersex rights have made great strides, we hope to soon see IVF rights and immigration rights that does NOT split families. Then will someone be able to abandon an immigrant IVF child to steal another IVF child? The lack of laws for IVF children and families is like placing a “staircase” in front of a wheelchair bound person. We need a ramp – laws for IVF children and families to stop this ongoing discrimination.

This case is anything but stereotypical. It is about being progressive. It is a proud moment to be a young, spouse caregiver because it shows the love and a homage to the parents who raised their child right. It is a proud moment to be a IVF parent because it shows the love of a parent irrespective of biology, gender or sexual orientation and should not be forced to lie and live in secret about IVF. We need to continue to move forward and NOT be held back with stereotypes, secrecy and lies for selfish and criminal benefit. Was it wrong to help a fellow human being who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant? In the process one gets exposed to the secrecy, lies and the inhumane treatment meted out on intersex families and their children who may be IVF. There is nothing stereotypical in dealing with complex issues like intersex, immigration, IVF, invisibility in 2000s. It is rather a proud moment to celebrate having survived and being alive to tell about it. Thanks to the love and support of the family. Thats a message we would like to teach our children and pay it forward and not a message of secrecy and lies.

Truth Vs Lies

Unite Vs Divide

Love Vs Vengeance

Caregiver Vs Patient

Patience Vs Selfish

Humanity Vs Crimes

Crime Against Human

We all have skeletons in our closet but are any of those skeletons of an infant or a child? If one has the guts, they should first defend and bestow the rights of an innocent child and then thump their chest about love for a child. Of course it would require them to be honest and follow the prevailing laws. It would require them to be honest with themselves and the children and then others including the court.

It is one thing for an officer of the court to lie, malign, conspire on behalf of their client but when the victim includes an innocent, voiceless infant, what is the SCORE? What is there to be happy about that you beat a voiceless infant and denied them their legal rights and dehumanizing them by making them “legally invisible“?

Is that child abuse? Is that a crime against the infant – a human being? Is that crime against a human?

It is very traumatic to undergo an intersex surgery AND without parents as caregivers AND having an infant to raise while stabilizing from the ongoing medical treatment. We can feel sympathy but it would be incorrect to DENY the abuse that occurred to an innocent IVF child while stabilizing and under medical treatment.

Never again will an IVF child be denied their rights. An IVF child will have rights to basic human dignity and respect if not equal. Hope is that by 2013 or 2020 or 2030 or 2040 or 2050, abandoning IVF children will be a crime and the abandoning parent will be held accountable and responsible. Anyone who aids and abets in this crime will also be held equally responsible for suppressing facts from the court who can decide the best interest of the child. Because that’s what it is about – best interest of the child and not about lying, selfish, criminal adult who breaks laws. If a parent of an intersex child seeks compassion and sympathy, why would it be an insult for an IVF parent to seek compassion and sympathy for his IVF children? If parents of an intersex child chose to lie and fraud (maybe even due to the advise of “experts” like health professionals), why should an IVF parent LIE and live in secrecy and repeat the same mistakes? More importantly, what good will the lying and fraud do? – more crimes?

The stereotype is a male is unemotional, uncaring, unloving, untrustworthy, unparentworthy, not affected by infertility roller coaster ride, but thats what it is – stereotypes and are not true. The question to ask is when 83% of males leave their spouse when the spouse is diagnosed with a traumatic condition, the question to ask is in an ever-changing stereotypical world, when a male is a primary care provider for their children, the question to ask is while statistically 1 in 6 couples are infertile, ALL gays, lesbians, intersex couples are dysfertile or infertile. If these stereotypes are true in this case, how can a MALE become a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND an immigrant IVF father and be WITHOUT emotions, love, care, and trust?

Offending IVF Parents and Families

“Let’s NOT OFFEND, let’s GO FEND our basic human emotion for a child.”Equal IVF Child Rights Tshirt

As a culture we are beginning to become more constructive of others from civil rights, interracial marriages, gay rights, women rights, fertility rights. The word, “tolerance” was not used purposefully because as a society we need to look at situations positively rather than “tolerating” someone for who they are. Too often, infertile or dysfertile parents are offended by others for well, just being them. Somehow as a society we have “normalized” and numbed ourselves with how we treat (discrimination) infertile or dysfertile families and children born out of fertility treatments like IVF.

To be clear:

  1. It is NOT OK to ask someone about the fertility issues even in the best of intent. If the person feels comfortable with you, they will confide.
  2. It is NOT OK to say have you tried adoption instead of IVF? There are so many kids in the world who could use adoption. It shows lack of ground realities and the stringent adoption laws which may make it impossible for some folks to adopt – like single fathers, gays, intersex, age of married couple, etc. Adoption laws are based on archaic stereotypes and not the ground reality of 21st century where love of a parent counts and not their biology, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Most of us when we wake up every morning would like to solve world hunger but still there are millions who go to bed every night hungry. Why? Making ignorant statements like have you tried adoption instead of IVF is like have you solved world hunger because it does not capture the complexities and the ground realities.
  3. It is NOT OK to say well thats how nature made you and should remain childless. Every human has a right to life including innocent IVF children.
  4. It is NOT OK to have situations where innocent, voiceless IVF children are placed in legal limbo due to no fault of their own and simply due to lack of laws. Each infertility journey is unique in its own way and every infertile or dysfertile parent is very strong to have overcome with or without a child. Wanting a child is a basic human emotion – CANNOT DENY that. When an infertile or dysfertile parent is blessed with a child, they have already traveled a long journey only about to begin on another long journey of love and affection with the child.

To be clear:

  1. It is OFFENSIVE to separate an IVF child from a parent and saying “that’s the law”. Laws are made for our society by the people, of the people and for the people – change the laws with changing ground realities.
  2. It is OFFENSIVE to treat an IVF child like property or an asset to have them abandoned or given up for adoption due to a DNA mismatch or a parent abandoning the IVF pregnancy. Again, change the laws to provide relief for these exceptions.
  3. It is OFFENSIVE to use language like “illegitimate child born out of wedlock” when defining legal parent-child relationship between IVF child and parent. Ask any IVF parent and they will tell you, their IVF child is NOT “illegitimate”.
  4. It is OFFENSIVE to have your IVF child treated with NO legal identity, NO legal rights, and worse protection to their human and child rights than cats and dogs as pets.
  5. It is OFFENSIVE to say to an IVF parent with an IVF child in legal limbo that “you should have known better” or “you deserve it”. Does the innocent IVF child deserve it? Did the innocent IVF child know any better or asked to be born? Why take out the punishment of the parent onto an innocent child?
  6. It is OFFENSIVE to take this abuse and violation of basic human rights of IVF children and families and only to be silenced when asking for change in laws. It is OFFENSIVE to have continued stereotyping in treatment of IVF children and families.

Its 2013 and its a new era. If not today, one day in the future, there will be a day when IVF children will deserve basic human respect and dignity if not equal rights. This is the NEXT social justice fight of our 21st century.

Let’s NOT OFFEND, let’s GO FEND our basic human emotion for a child. 

Relentless Secrecy and Stigma

It is one thing to have anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-intersex laws but to use them to split innocent IVF brother and sister and place them in legal every-life-equallimbo is a heinous crime against the children. Every human including IVF children deserves basic respect as a human, if not equal. If a person is raped, what are the circumspect effects? As a human being one has to continue to live and how does one go about. Any person can be raped while majority of the rapes are against women. Men or intersex people may get raped but have no laws to protect them or get them justice. While the physical pain is intolerable, there is more to it than just that. Rape also involves secrecy, stigma, taking away a person’s self-worth, mental torture, dehumanizing and so many other things. Due to the secrecy and stigma, a rape survivor may not report the facts for days, weeks, months, even years. There are child sexual abuse cases which go unreported for decades. Does that mean the person who has experienced this horrible situation is hallucinating? And the crimes did not occur? Then there is the long road for justice. The predator is let go because the “statute of limitations” expired, does that mean the crimes did not occur? Does that mean a person will stop fighting for the truth? When a person who has been raped first is a victim, if they do not die or commit suicide, they are a survivor and when a survivor is awakened to be free of secrecy and stigma, they are truly awakened. Whether they are awakened in a week, a month, a year, it may be too “late” for the statute of limitations but if they speak up, just maybe one person, just one person may be inspired to speak up sooner if in the horrid situation they are raped. Secrecy and stigma are the real culprits and they can only be disbanded with truth, inspiration, empowerment.

Now that western culture is catching up to realities and passing laws to legally recognize the “third gender”, hopefully in the near future they will also have laws for marriages of “third gender” and the issues and concerns “third gender” families face including children and immigration. As per intersex organizations, “same-sex” marriage excludes intersex marriage. Why? If intersex are women, then why are there laws for a “third gender”? Are the governments wrong? If the angst of having a child, loving a child, raising a child, the roller coaster rides of infertility, the international trips and related immigration issues and separation from child are only a “woman’s issue”, then how do we explain single dads, gay fathers, intersex families? The right answer is to accept the realities around us and have equal laws so that people can start living and stop being abused, tortured and stranded. Every person has right to feel male, female or otherwise, are the laws in sync with what the person wants? When there is a lack of laws for intersex families, are there inadvertent victims like spouses and children of an intersex family? The answer is change the laws not break the laws.

IVF Children of a Woman and Intersex Person

What if a woman was in a relationship with an intersex person (can they legally marry?), had an IVF child through her egg, sperm donor and a compassionate surrogate, the woman raised the IVF child as the primary care provider, living in secrecy and lies through the abuse, torture from a person undergoing medical treatment and then when asked to split, the intersex person decides to both SPLIT with the woman and SPLIT two innocent IVF siblings. Would there be an uproar and would the laws have allowed the IVF child to be separated from the “biological mother” and the primary care provider? More importantly, what crimes have the innocent children committed to be separated and to be in legal limbo? What about the abuse against the woman and the children? Abuse is abuse regardless in what name it occurs and how one justifies it. What if the woman was silenced one from the abuse, now that she has awakened, should she remain silent or report the abuse? Is the woman’s only fault that she is fertile and showed compassion? And so she and her children must be punished by splitting them? There are several things that LGBTI people still cannot do in 2013 including the fact that LGBTI immigrant families cannot legally bring their IVF children born outside the US and placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo.

You can rape me, you can silence me, you can abuse me, you can torture me but when you do that to my innocent kids, you have given me the courage to stand up and speak the truth. My weakness has become my strength, the lies conquered with truth, you can lie to the court and the rest of society but you cannot lie to the children. Seeking justice for innocent IVF children is a lifelong commitment requiring lot of persistence and patience – virtues that any IVF parent inherently has. Never again another IVF child should have to suffer like this, if its not a crime to abandon IVF children, it should be a crime. We need solutions, we need legal breakouts so that innocent IVF children are not placed in legal limbo. Because a rape is a rape no matter what and an abandoned or an abused child is just that, no matter what.

When Lies Ruin Lives and Break the Laws

There is severe trauma and depression for intersex people. That’s what the medical professionals tell us. There is severe depression and trauma when an intersex person has surgery and goes on hormonal therapy changing every way imaginable. They deserve every bit of compassion and support but also LIES which breaks laws? The same person is allowed to be a primary secrets-and-lies-ruin-livescare provider of an infant under the same diagnosis without any medical help? Can’t have it both ways or can you? Rather than continuing to lie and making this case about rights of a biological parent Vs non-biological parent OR rights of an intersex person Vs non-intersex person AND so on, what about rights of immigrants, infertile, IVF children and families? For the record, why do intersex people do not have equal rights to marry or immigrate based on marriage or have reproductive rights to non-biological IVF children born outside the US? Are these issues of the spouse of intersex and IVF father trying to help or a human rights and legislative issue? The truth is this is about a person who relentlessly lies, breaks laws, teaches others to lie resulting in victimizing unsuspecting innocents including children. And when one lie gets caught, there are a set of thousand more lies to hide one lie which dehumanizes people including innocent children. This is about someone who is a criminal and the lies have caught up. If it were about compassion, then where is the compassion for an innocent, abandoned IVF child who is in legal limbo? By continuing the lies, are we suppressing the abuse on innocent children and unsuspecting spouse? Will lies achieve a solution or accepting the truth, however bitter, lead us to move forward and provide a practical solution for all victims?Are the lies ruining lives or helping lives prosper?

It is a fact that intersex marriage is not allowed as per prevailing laws. If you are intersex or a supporter of intersex, is the right answer to demand for equal marriage rights or lie and fraud unsuspecting victims into a fraud marriage? Regardless of whether a spouse of intersex believes in human rights of intersex, the fact that they have been lied to is what constitutes fraud. No marriage can be based on a foundation of lies. Certainly, it cannot be entertained as “love for the spouse” if at all, it is love for thyself. Divorces happen, but do innocent siblings get SPLIT? If a man married a woman, had biological children with her, and then later announced he is gay leading to a divorce, will the children of the marriage be SPLIT? Will the children be taken away from the mother who was the silent spectator to the discovery? Did the mother do anything wrong? Did she cheat? Did she fraud?

It is a fact that US Immigration laws did not allow “same-sex” couples to sponsor immigration for their spouses nor could they marry legally. Law abiding citizens waited, some even over 40 years to be allowed to marry legally – making it a very emotional story because truth is involved. What if an intersex person immigrated to the US based on marriage before 2013, is that legal? More importantly, can other intersex people repeat the same or are they being encouraged to break the laws also? When one takes help of lies, it only ruins lives and certainly one cannot talk openly about the facts and truth because laws were broken. How is it a greater good?

It is a fact that intersex people are infertile. They can either adopt or have children through IVF. In countries like India, intersex people are legally recognized as a “third gender” and can neither adopt or opt for IVF/surrogacy. Then how can an intersex person have custody of an IVF child without breaking any laws? More importantly, can another intersex person repeat it without breaking laws? Isn’t it better to instead demand for equal rights like Edie Windsor or Tony Briffa for the greater good? More importantly, just like the relationship with the spouse of intersex was based on foundation of lies which ruined lives, why repeat a strategy of lies with innocent IVF child, separate him from his siblings and biological family and expect a different outcome? So an intersex person successfully lied, frauded, cheated their spouse whom they claim to “love”, next they got US immigration through marriage before “same-sex” immigration was legalized, next they had an IVF child and claimed it as their own biological child because the law would not support them otherwise, next they abandoned an IVF child and sent the biological parent on a IVF horror story from hell involving, gender, biology, immigration and IVF discrimination…and now want utter silence from the victims? And they expect the IVF child will grow up with no issues once the truth is learnt? Had the spouse of intersex LEFT like majority of men do and not dealt with the complex issues on the plate, well for one, there would be no IVF brother and sister to be UNITED and this conversation would never happen. However we have someone who is a victim of nature Vs someone who is a victim of human actions including innocent children, where do we go from here? “All I am saying is lets give truth a chance.”

It is a fact that about 1 in 6 couples experience infertility. It is a fact that 100% of intersex couples are infertile or dysfertile. Shouldn’t we be advocating for equal reproductive rights for all? That is possible only if truth is allowed. Within the minority of infertile couples, some opt for IVF/surrogacy – the ones who can afford it. In even a smaller minority, some couples divorce during an ongoing IVF pregnancy or known as IVFphiles. What about the rights of the IVF child as an individual? All ongoing natural born pregnancies have to be reported to the court during a divorce in the best interest of the child, why not “equal” laws for IVF children? Are IVF children LESS of a child or have LESS of needs for their welfare and well-being? Even if inadvertent, the negligence treats the IVF child like “property” and denies them the “basic respect and dignity as a human being”, if not equal. The inaction only continues the abuse, injustice and denial of rights. If there are safe haven laws for natural born children, why not the equivalent for IVF children? And how does one deal with international IVF and immigration laws are involved?

Why should an innocent, voiceless child have to suffer and be punished by placing them in legal limbo without a legal identity for crimes they did not commit? Enough is enough.

  • First lies to cheat and fraud an unsuspecting spouse of intersex.
  • Next the abuse while undergoing severe medical treatment during marriage.
  • Next the inability to cope both as a “parent” and a “severe trauma and depression patient” and the resulting abuse on innocent child.
  • Next when threatened by a split and the spouse wanting to say the truth for his own sanity, the criminal realizes they may never be able to have a child again. So let us abandon an innocent child, split the one child from his siblings and primary care provider – another genetic male, and alienate the child systematically from his only known biological family.
  • The medical treatment works but it also takes time and the intersex person today may not be the same person a decade ago when under severe trauma and depression. But did that come at the price of ruining lives of the spouse and IVF brother and sister? Does that mean the crimes did not occur? Does that mean the laws were not broken?

Surrogacy in USA

Surrogacy in USA is expensive and not affordable by everyone thus making it inaccessible. Just because one is infertile does not mean they will getfreedom USA affordable surrogacy. Too often the average American who is not a celebrity of sorts or a business tycoon or a huge net worth and just a working class hard working American goes to international places where the dollar travels farther in hopes to create a family through IVF/Surrogacy. Have the laws caught up with technology like IVF? Is it a crime to want to have an IVF child? Was it acceptable for gay fathers or single fathers to have IVF children in 2003? Do the laws also support it in parallel?

As soon as an American goes outside the country to have a child through IVF/Surrogacy to love and cherish for life, immigration laws get triggered because the child is born outside the USA. The immigration laws are different and the laws have to be respected. Just like it is not an excuse to steal, fraud a child by a working class American who cannot afford surrogacy in the USA, not having a “biological link” to a child born outside the US is no excuse to break the laws by claiming as theirs, one has to still follow the laws. Or is it OK to break the laws? USA is a very compassionate country who believes in respecting laws but for an immigrant, intersex, IVF family of 2000s, these words still ring hollow. If one can show compassion to an intersex person, why can’t we show compassion to an innocent, voiceless IVF child?

There are eight different ways parentage can be assigned in an IVF/surrogacy situation which varies from case to case while there is only one way to assign parentage in a natural born pregnancy. Are the (lack of ) laws trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? And if so, what are the effects of these lack of laws when it comes to immigration issues and is it adversely affecting innocent, voiceless IVF children who committed no crimes other than being born through IVF/surrogacy internationally. Is it a crime to be married to an intersex person and wanting to have children which would be either through adoption or IVF since the intersex condition is infertile? It is one thing to want to have a child at any cost but it is another to deny rights to an innocent, voiceless child. There are several families who may not report crimes because of compassion or love for their loved ones, that does not mean the crimes did not occur. Marriages fail all the time but it does not SPLIT innocent siblings where they can never meet, it does not place innocent brother and sister in legal limbo. Do humans [IVF children] who are in legal limbo have any protection of their legal rights and their legal identity?

If an American goes outside the US for international IVF/surrogacy and uses donor eggs and sperm but carries the IVF child to term herself, is she a legal mother who can sponsor her IVF children or not? As per prevailing immigration laws, she is not. Should she abandon the IVF child and return to her life in the US or should she live in exile outside the US and raise her IVF child lovingly as she had dreamed? And yes, the money for the IVF procedure was paid for by income in the US for which taxes were paid in the US. If the IVF child is abandoned due to lack of laws created from money sourced from after -tax US income, whose responsibility and accountability is it for the welfare and well-being of the IVF child?

If an American father goes outside the US for international IVF/surrogacy and uses egg donor and surrogate and his own biological sperm to have an IVF child BUT the IVF clinic swaps the sperm sample accidentally resulting in a DNA mismatch. As per prevailing immigration laws, the IVF child has no legal standing in the US. Again is this the fault of the IVF child, the intended US parents or the IVF clinic? Will it occur again? What will be the legal recourse? What if the IVF child is abandoned by the intended US parents as they may not want to move to another country to live, who is responsible and accountable for the welfare and well-being of the IVF child created by money sourced from after -tax US income?

If an immigrant father goes outside the US for international IVF/Surrogacy and uses egg donor and surrogate and his own biological sperm but a divorce is filed in the US by the infertile spouse with no mention of the ongoing IVF pregnancy outside the US. As per prevailing immigration laws, a biological immigrant father cannot bring his IVF child to the US without a “mother”. Are single fathers or gay fathers or spouse of intersex fathers allowed to love their children equally?  More importantly, what are the rights of the IVF child? The US court also hands out a divorce decree which is enforceable worldwide without taking into account the global scale of the case and welfare of the IVF child who technically and legally is born during the marriage. Whether an intersex marriage is a “same-sex” marriage or whether it is void or legal is a separate discussion. If the same child had been abandoned in the US, it would be a crime and there would be repurcusions on the abandoning parent. Are the rights of the  IVF child LESS? Is the basic, not equal, human dignity and respect for the IVF child less? By denying the rights of the child, are we dehumanizing them to justify the position?

We would have to ask the IVF child about the repurcusions of being in legal limbo. Like when she asks why she cannot get a passport or why is she land-locked? What was her crime? Or when she asks why she can only see her IVF brother on the computer and not in person who is also confined and land-locked and cannot travel outside the US. What is his crime? By denying a legal identity, the result is innocent voiceless IVF children living as slaves to secrecy and lies and being punished for crimes they did not commit even if the intent to enslave is not there.

The crimes here are relentless lying, secrecy and fraud by a person who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant and needs a child at any cost. There are several intersex or infertile people in this world but they do not hurt and abuse innocent children. People who abuse innocent children are criminals regardless of your race, skin color, gender, sexual orientation or otherwise. And if a criminal who happens to be intersex, infertile and an immigrant, they have a great story where they achieved all this in 2000s when it was illegal, question is can other intersex, immigrant, infertile people also do the same? Where is the greater good because the lack of laws still exist? Question is could they have achieved this great story without breaking the laws and without splitting innocent IVF brother and sister and placing them in legal limbo? Could they have achieved this in a time when equal rights for gays and IVF children and families exist?

It is hard enough to save up for IVF/surrogacy whether in the USA or anywhere in the world. It is hard enough to find a compassionate donor and a surrogate. It is hard enough to raise an IVF child while the other parent is recovering from their medical treatment with severe trauma and depression. It is hard enough to be frauded, lied, abused, and violently treated in forced silence but to have it repeated on innocent children, it has got to stop. To snatch the freedom from innocent children has got to stop. “Mr./Ms. USA, Tear Down These Walls” [of secrecy, lies and fraud]. We are remnants of an era when anti-gay, anti-IVF laws exist and for as long as the IVF children cannot meet, it is a ongoing reality for us and not something of the past. What we need is truth with compassion and it has to begin with innocent, voiceless children and equal rights for IVF children and families and intersex families.

Dehumanization – IVF Siblings Split Due to Lack of Laws

Anyone who has followed this story of two IVF siblings being split as personal is missing the point. Yes, its personal like every law that has been dehumanizing IVFwritten by humans is also based on someone’s personal experiences. But the point is to have equal laws for IVF children and families. The innocent, voiceless IVF siblings are SPLIT because of lack of laws and someone judiciously and cleverly manipulating the system to their advantage by breaking the laws. It is one thing to claim to love a child but to trample on the rights of another innocent child takes a whole new meaning. How many other IVF children are being affected due to these lack of laws? How many other families of IVF children think this is only “personal” and lack of laws is not an issue? By not giving “equal rights” to IVF children who are also human beings, are we dehumanizing them as some “property” to feel saddened for or feel sympathy for the situation. What we need is compassion AND equal rights so that IVF children are truly treated as humans with a guarantee of protection of their fundamental human rights.

  • Denial of existence of IVF children is “dehumanizing” them like when they are not declared in a divorce proceeding and the best interest of the child is withheld from the court.
  • Denial of state issued legal identity like Passport is “dehumanizing” them. Do people with “no legal identity” have any “legal rights”?
  • Denial of their basic human dignity and respect is “dehumanizing” them.
  • Denial of protection of their fundamental human rights and child rights is “dehumanizing” them.
  • Creating stateless IVF children due to no fault of their own and not providing any legal recourse is “dehumanizing” them.
  • Continued discrimination of IVF children and families without any legal recourse or any relief for victims is “dehumanizing” them.

Empowered girls grow up to be empowered women. They grow up to be empowered mothers, leaders, and innovators. They grow up to move their communities forward and make the world a better place.” – said US Secretary of State John Kerry on International Girl Day 2013

Where are the rights of an IVF girl child? a sister? a daughter? a woman of tomorrow? and a mother of tomorrow? We need the rights today to avail of the tomorrow. How many “dehumanization” events have to occur before criminality kicks in?

  • It is one thing to illegally abduct an IVF child, but to do it at the cost of “dehumanizing” their IVF sibling and denying them their basic human dignity and respect takes on a whole new criminality.
  • It is one thing to be denied basic human rights as an intersex person but to repeat that to an innocent, voiceless IVF children takes on a whole new criminality.
  • It is one thing to be denied equal marriage laws and immigration laws as an intersex person but to use the very same anti-gay, anti-LGBTI, anti-IVF immigration laws to SPLIT innocent, voiceless IVF siblings takes on a whole new criminality.
  • It is one thing to be born infertile and IVF is here to help but to abandon an IVF child and denying their rights takes on a whole new criminality.
  • It is one thing to be “dehumanized” as an intersex person due to lack of laws but it takes a whole new criminality to knowingly and deliberately impose the “dehumanization” on unsuspecting victims.
  • It is one thing to live in secrecy, lies and breaking laws as an individual but to impose abuse and silence under threats to others to also live with secrecy, lies and as a criminal for life takes on a whole new criminality.

The cycle of secrecy, lies and breaking the laws has to end. The cancer of secrecy, lies and breaking the laws eats one up alive seeing their innocent, voiceless IVF children being punished for crimes they did not commit. No more. The right answer is education, awareness and equal laws

Was it wrong to help an intersex, immigrant and infertile person for whom laws itself fall short in extending and protecting their human rights? Is the social conscience misplaced where even laws fall short? If you are in a gay marriage, are both spouses equally affected by the presence or lack of laws and issues of a gay marriage like immigration, IVF children, and so on? Should the lack of laws now extend as punishment in legal limbo to IVF children also? What are the lessons learnt from living in secrecy, lies and relentlessly breaking laws for a decade? Do we repeat the mistakes or do we learn from them? A young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex overcomes a lot of challenges repeatedly in silence and then repeats it as an immigrant IVF parent with lack of laws, why should the IVF children also suffer in silence due to lack of laws? The thought process is the same – equal rights, first it was intersex, then immigration, and now it is IVF children and families. Social justice and social equivalence are the hallmarks of this case – and no one deserves justice more than innocent, voiceless IVF children who have committed no crimes by UNITING them.

Living in the Present

After living a decade of secrecy and lies, there is nothing we wish than to move forward. The trauma and live in the presenttragedy will NEVER be able to be captured in words. In order to move on, we need a PRESENT and a FUTURE. Having a STATELESS child is our present. Having a brother and sister who have NEVER met is our PRESENT. Being able to LIVE FREE and WITH TRUTH is our PRESENT and FUTURE. After being left for dead in an IVF holocaust, it is a miracle to have survived through the love and support of family.

Continuing to live in secrecy and lies is NOT going to get our STATELESS children their RIGHTS. Continuing to suffer in SILENCE is NOT going to arouse CHANGE for the FUTURE. Continuing to live as a VICTIM is NOT going to breed HOPE for the future. Some intersex parents have been taught to teach their intersex children to LIE which BREAKS laws and violates human rights of others is NO way to achieve SOCIAL JUSTICE. In a few years when the IVF brother and sister are adults and meet, instead of sharing their childhood pictures and videos of growing up separately, we would like them to be together in the same pictures and videos.

The PRESENT

One man, two IVF children, six women – thats our PRESENT. International IVF, immigration laws, invisible in the eyes of the law – thats our PRESENT. All marriages (whether legal or illegal) have issues and quite a few end up in divorce but they DO NOT SPLIT siblings – brother and sister. Thats our PRESENT – SEPARATED SIBLINGS. Does a son have a right to grow up around his only known biological family? His primary care provider? His sibling he dreamt of? His fast-aging grandparents? Does he have ANY rights? Will the son, a MALE, learn to be compassionate, truthful, loving, caring, etc? And what are the BENEFITS of it – like his father, be separated from his son? There are fathers who do NOT have primary custody of the children but at least have practical joint custody and can actively PARTICIPATE in their child’s life after a divorce. Living in forced EXILE on a DIFFERENT continent with NO ACTIVE PARTICIPATION in our child’s life – thats our PRESENT. Good fathers do NOT have primary custody because they LIED, CHEATED their spouse. Do LIARS, CHEATERS, FRAUDSTERS get primary custody of CHILDREN? During the “baby scoop era”, double standards were used against “single mothers” to SPLIT their BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN from them. Today of course, single motherhood is celebrated. Is there a REPEAT of double standards of SPLITTING BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN from their IVF parents – if not deliberately then inadvertently due to lack of laws? What is definition of CHILD ABDUCTION?

If you consent to international IVF as a couple, are BOTH responsible and accountable for the IVF child? And what are the rights of the IVF child if the IVF pregnancy is ABANDONED midway when one person changes their mind? Does that mean an existing IVF brother LOSES the RIGHT to have a sibling? What are the human rights and child rights of the IVF child? Should the IVF child be condemned to become STATELESS because of an abandoning adult? What about the DREAMS that the IVF father and son SHARED to enjoy a sibling together and kept trying for three years? Are IVF children humans with basic human rights and same needs as traditional born children? Is the ONLY way to ensure IVF child has ANY rights in an international (immigration) IVF if your egg, womb or sperm is used in an IVF cycle? Sadly, children inherit RIGHTS from PARENTS and IVF fundamentally changes this basic assumption of “LEGAL PARENT” – thats our PRESENT.

The FUTURE

We want to MOVE FORWARD. Being stuck in several episodes of “Twilight zones” combined into one, it is IMPOSSIBLE to move forward. Witnessing the rights of innocent, voiceless children being violated with NO relief for VICTIMS and NO DUE PROCESS makes it IMPOSSIBLE to move forward.

The bigger question is what is the future of rights for IVF children and families? Is the strategy to use secrecy and lies which has failed in dealing with other traumatic conditions? We are already seeing glimmers of EQUALITY when in 2013 gay immigrant families are allowed in the US. If this were true for IVF children and families in 2009, the innocent IVF brother and sister would NOT have been separated.

During the baby scoop era, mothers were coerced, lied to, and forced to give up their child for adoption only for governments to apologize later. In dealing with intersex for decades, a concealment based approach was used with a complex web of secrecy and lies including fraud medical records. Both have been REJECTED and dealing with TRUTH is accepted. Is history repeating with IVF children and families where a complex web of secrecy, coercion, lies, fraud legal documents, breaking the laws is being FORCED? Like other cases, truth will prevail and secrecy and lies including fraud records and documents to SEPARATE children from biological families is a failed approach. 

War Crimes and Its Effects on IVF Children

There are different wars throughout human history and innocent people – adults, grandparents, women, Refugees-running-awaychildren, men who are displaced due to no fault of theirs. When parents are fleeing a country rampaged with war to save their lives and the lives of their children, what if their infant does not have a passport? Do they wait to apply for a passport to the government who is involved in a war or save their lives as they see best fit and flee the country without a passport for the child? In recent past, we have witnessed refugees in Syria, Afghanistan, Lybia, Iraq, Kosovo, Rwanda, East Timor, and so many other wars between us humans. In not too a distant past, people were fleeing with their families and children from dictator regimes, Nazi regime, and so on. Since the “official” status of such people are “refugees”, they are given asylum on humanitarian grounds including a VALID passport. What is the status of an IVF child who cannot get a PASSPORT? Are they a war time VICTIM?

Crimes Against Humanity – Effects on IVF children

If there are crimes against humanity, what do we call a situation where an “order” for an IVF child is placed in a foreign country and then the commissioning parent FAILS to show up when the IVF child is born to the surrogate in a foreign country? If its a commercial surrogate situation, what are the RIGHTS of the surrogate? Should she get paid and who will pay her? God forbid but what if the surrogate had died during child birth (some women do), who would be held accountable and responsible for it? Would it be the commissioning parent who is in a foreign country and free from prosecution of the local country? Fortunately, no one died and instead a lovely IVF child was born. Are they UNWANTED? There are situations where a mother dies during child birth, or a mother is unable to care for a child right after child birth due to her own personal medical condition, how do we DEFINE abandoning an IVF child? An IVF pregnancy is very much planned, deliberate and WANTED. Then what possible reasons could there be to ABANDON an IVF child? And what RIGHTS does the IVF child have? Do they have a RIGHT to a LEGAL identity like a PASSPORT?

In a recent case, an American woman who had opted for IVF/surrogacy in India was blessed with an IVF child. When she showed up to take delivery of the IVF child and due to some legal issues, she was UNABLE to secure an exit visa at first for the IVF child. As a result, she could not take the IVF child with her back to the US. After knocking on several doors, she was left with the gruesome choice of having to leave the IVF child behind in India. Her cries of plea and help fell on deaf ears and in a miraculous moment scripted in some movie, she got a call at the airport when she was getting ready to leave India without the child. She was informed that the necessary paperwork will be done so that she can take the IVF child WITH her. The CHILD had been given a LEGAL identity. She at least CAME to India when the IVF child was born and was able to do something for the innocent child.

Unique Situations Call For UNIQUE Solutions

If Assistive Reproductive Technology (ART) is war against infertility or dysfertility, then are some IVF Standing Up For Childrenchildren sometimes its INNOCENT VICTIMS? If there are international laws for child adoption and child abduction, why are there NO international laws for IVF/Surrogacy children? Are IVF children LESS of a child? There are several different IVF scenarios where legal parentage can be assigned, why has each situation NOT been analyzed and appropriate laws been passed? Laws provide consistency, predictability, and above all RELIEF for VICTIMS. This state of lawlessness in international IVF/surrogacy situations causes the innocent, voiceless IVF children to be in LEGAL LIMBO. If a cat or dog is abandoned illegally, its a CRIME, its a CRIME against the welfare of the animal, if a natural born child is abandoned illegally, its a CRIME, but if an IVF child is abandoned, there is NO CRIME? To be very clear, the CRIMES are multiple in nature – first the abandoned IVF child, second who makes the payment to the commercial surrogate for delivering an IVF child, and other VICTIMS for later discussion. If a commissioning parent decides to abandon an IVF pregnancy, is that the surrogate’s or IVF child’s fault? What are their RIGHTS? Creating stateless children is not uncommon. As a point of reference, Saddam Hussein, Gaddafi, ethnic genocide in Rwanda, Kosovo, and so on created millions of stateless children. Did those children get rights?

Cats and dogs have better “human rights” than some IVF children. Is there something wrong with this situation? I am not equating my IVF children or anyone else’s to cats and dogs but stating the UNIQUE situations that some IVF children are inadvertently placed in. As an IVF parent it breaks my heart to say this but the truth needs to be said so that the powers to be can bring CHANGE and pass laws or provide LEGAL recourse and RELIEF to VICTIMS. We need NEW laws to reflect these NEW realities.