IVF Discrimination – Is it Real or a Myth? Do IVF Lives Matter?

I respect diversity, I respect women starting with my abandoned IVF daughter and the compassionate donor and surrogate among other women.

Have you ever experienced discrimination? Is it real or is it a myth? Depending on how you dissect it, at some point everyone can be discriminated, one way or theIVF-Lives-Matter other based on gender, age, race, sexual orientation, or birth type? Like everything else, the trajectory followed is first of DENIAL, then acceptance, then solutions. Sometimes this entire process can take a few years to a few decades or centuries or ever. But does that mean discrimination does not exist?  When authorities (who are also people) use their personal prejudices (good or bad) to evaluate a situation, does that mean there is no discrimination? The most important question is while it takes time for society to “accept” and then have a “solution”, what happens to the victims, especially innocent children? What relief do they get and how? How does one reconcile?

Recently, there has been a spate of protests in the US in cases where young African American men have been killed by police. There have been various responses including the US President Obama calling for cameras to provide better accountability. There have been widespread protests across the country by Americans wanting equal rights and justice. At the very least, the right to live. People – black, white, brown, men, women, children, anyone who cares is taking action and wants this to stop. Parents are having conversations with their children and there is a difference between how a black parent talks to their black child Vs. white parent to a white child. The black family wants the child to just diffuse the situation and walk away while a white parent tells their child that not everyone is treated the same way as they are. You see, parents have to be realistic with their children because they love and care about them. Political correctness, reality Vs. myth, truth Vs. lies, etc all seem miniscule when compared to their safety. That doesn’t mean a parent is teaching their child prejudice or hate, it just means a parent is teaching their child to be safe and be real.

With this context, what is the state of the union for international, immigrant, IVF fathers and his children? If a person has a child outside the US via IVF/Surrogacy then US immigration laws go into effect. If an IVF father uses his biological sperm and has an IVF child with help of a compassionate egg donor and surrogate outside the US, the laws consider the IVF child as “born out of wedlock”. This has severe implications on the welfare of the child as US Family Court laws are in direct contradiction. This also means that if a compassionate male wants to stay in an infertile marriage and have a child, legally the child is “born out of wedlock”. US laws require a “genetic link” between a US Citizen parent and an IVF child born outside the US in order for the child to get a US Passport meaning how does an infertile person (genetic link not possible) legally bring an IVF child outside the US? US has made some progress in the world of IVF/Surrogacy but has some more steps to take. If Holocaust survivors deserve compensation for what they went through, what do survivors of an IVF Holocaust deserve?

January 2014US Secretary of State John Kerry passed a directive which would treat US Citizen mothers who gave birth to IVF children abroad same rights as "genetic mothers" AND made it retroactive. This means if a US Citizen mother gave birth to an IVF child using a sperm donor and egg donor, before this she was NOT considered the mother for US Immigration purposes and thus denying the innocent IVF children their rights. Good step forward to sync up social reality with legal reality.
November 2014US President Obama allowed US Citizen IVF children born abroad to sponsor their foreign surrogates for US Immigration - again good step forward. But what if there were fraud documents where the entire IVF/Surrogacy was kept secret, does the IVF child and the surrogate have their rights denied?
??Immigrant, IVF father and his innocent IVF children "born out of wedlock" are treated same and equally. Worse, what if the "loopholes in the laws" are exploited by someone with intimate knowledge of laws to willfully abandon a child and SPLIT innocent siblings?
??Any intended parent in US who gives consent to having an IVF/Surrogacy child abroad MUST be held accountable and responsible in the best interest of the child if they abandon the child. After all, all children are created EQUAL and the laws should also treat them EQUAL. At the very least, it will serve as a deterrent for people who want to manipulate the system
??Equal IVF laws inclusive of both fertile and infertile people meaning if US laws require a "genetic link" between US parent and IVF child born abroad then don't infertile people feel threatened by the laws? Would it be a motivation to demonize, falsely accuse, and abandon one IVF sibling abroad with NO consequences while splitting the other IVF sibling in the US and not allowing him to see his biological sibling and family? Can't we as a society offer better solutions which are more inclusive?
  1. When will equal rights and justice for IVF children born of IVF fathers arrive? Why is there NO progress on this front? Why is an IVF father forbidden from saying the truth?
  2. Instead of helping the IVF family and his IVF children “born out of wedlock” be united, why is he being demonized?
  3. Perhaps if the laws made all parties equally responsible and accountable meaning if a US person gives consent to having an IVF child abroad and later changes their mind, it is a crime EQUAL to abandoning a child because you know all children are EQUAL. If nothing else this law would provide a checks and balance and serve as a deterrent for an infertile person to NOT split innocent IVF siblings and the IVF family of an IVF father and his IVF children “born out of wedlock”.
  4. Of course, the bigger picture is if the laws allowed infertile people to bring an IVF child born outside the US legally, then the infertile people would not feel threatened by the laws. Instead of helping an IVF father who is being responsible and accountable for his IVF children “born out of wedlock” by being by their side when they needed him the most as a primary care provider, he and implicitly his children are being demonized.
  5. The approach is NOT new, a century ago or less or even now, rape survivors had to undergo a “blame the victim” approach where they are first shunned, denied and if that does not work, false allegations of character assassinations are used, and if that does not work, they are forced to repeat the traumatic experience several times before getting any justice. Thankfully, today there are rape crisis centers, there are laws that protect survivors and provide swift justice and they have the support – emotional, legal, financial, etc. to get justice and move on. Sadly, rape still occurs but at least the survivor has a way forward. Why don’t we have IVF crisis trauma centers? After all, is a person who helps others where laws itself fall short, runs by the side of his IVF son when needed, runs to his abandoned IVF daughter a DEMON or a normal human being who  happens to be a loving parent but just the wrong gender, race and immigration status?
  6. Are IVF fathers who have respected rights of others also deserving of having their rights protected? Or should they be villified, demonized, falsely accused and worse their innocent IVF siblings be forced to grow up apart simply because the laws for infertility have not caught up? Why should innocent children be casualties of the war on fertility? When laws itself fall short, what possibly MORE could a spouse of intersex have done? He suffered and was abused in silence, he sacrificed a lot in silence, but why should his innocent IVF children “born out of wedlock” also sacrifices and suffer the abuse of secrecy and lies? As a parent, much like the black and white families of the US having a “talk” with their children, an IVF parent just wants truth and freedom for his children.

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